old story post
i’m posting this old story (the links probably don’t work, i’m not editing shit:cool:) because something very important will be happening next month. scroll down to the end to see what it is if you remember this one.
The Chronicles of Shaft Agent in High school: Nerd’s Night Out: Fresh Meat
CAST
ME
DEAD JOHN
SAMURAI SMOKER
DA HULK
MELVIN
BABY = a girl
RHEA = a different girl
background info:
my high school is small. about 320 people attended. out of that number, 319 people drank/smoked/popped pills/whatever. guess who was that 1 person how didn’t? yeah bitches. BOW TO THE MASTER OF TEMPERANCE! nah, i don’t have a real problem with other people drinking, i just don’t do it, and even though i was cool with everybody(that wasn’t racist), i couldn’t be accepted into the “***IMMENSELY POPULAR AND WILD KICKASS PEOPLE GROUP THAT CONSISTS OF DIPSHIT JOCKS AND CLASS CLOWNS WHO HAVE LAME SHITTY PARTIES WHERE EVERYBODY GETS DRUNK AND MAYBE 2 PEOPLE HAVE SEX WHICH EVENTUALLY WILL BE BROKEN UP BY THE COPS BECAUSE SOMEBODY ALWAYS PLAYS JUVENILE’S 400 DEGREEZ ALBUM TOO LOUD AND THE NEIGHBORS COMPLAIN!!! !***” hence, i was labeled a “nerd”. i don’t have time for those dipshits anyway. fuck 'em. i had Tournament business to attend to. of the UNREAL kind.
unfortunately at the time, my computer was too crappy to run unreal Tournament. if i wanted to play TEH SEX that was UT, i’d have to go to DEADJOHN’s house, as he was the only person around that had a computer upgraded enough to run the resource hog. DEAD JOHN drank, did drugs, and partied hard(which is probably why he’s dead today.). that alone will put you in the I.P.A.W.K.P.G.T.C.O.D.J.A.C.C.W.H.L.S.P.W.E.G.D.A.M.2.P.H.S.W.E.W.B.B.U.B.T.C.O.P.S.B.S.A.P.J.4.D.A.T.L.A.T.N.C!!! ! but his only problem was that he was an actor at The Little Theater of Monroe. BAM! THEATRE NERD! one of his few friends was DA HULK.
DA HULK is, well look at him. he’s Asian. do i need to say more? insensitive, ignorant people(read: 95% of Monroe) and Asians don’t mix well. also, there’s an extremely small Asian population over here. there are probably more Asians in some of you guys’ SCHOOL than there are in this ENTIRE CITY. so stereotypes run rampant. plus, our class had already HAD a cool Asian(the only other Asian male in the school). he was loud, goofy, and liked to make jokes about his culture. DA HULK was calm and quiet with an extreme deadpan sense of humor(yeah, i said EXTREEEEEEEEME deadpan.). i’m pretty sure DA HULK was classified as “the Asian Kid” in more ways than one.
SAMURAI SMOKER is a weird case. we’ve been friends since kindergarten, but when i went to Germany for a few years to live, we grew apart. we went to different schools in junior high, but were reunited in high school. we didn’t hang out that much in high school because we were in different social groups. i hung out with my friends that i went to jr. high with, he hung out with MELVIN.
MELVIN is a tragic human being. girls found him attractive. he was witty. he had a car and parents that didn’t care about any type of curfew. he had enough money to party(drink) anytime he felt like it. he was a jock(if tennis is a jock sport). MELVIN was blessed with ALL of the things that could have put him in the “cool kids group”. the only thing that hindered him from entrance to the FUCKING “VALHALLA” that was the St. Fred’s “cool kids group” was his personality. MELVIN is a DOUCHEBAG. you know the one guy in everyone’s social group that NOBODY likes? MELVIN is that guy. pretty much everyone hates MELVIN that knows him, which puts underclassmen in a weird position. underclassmen don’t know shit about anything. younger guys think he’s badass. younger chicks think he’s so fucking hot. they didn’t know the MELVIN we knew. they didn’t know the MELVIN that flips his fake tooth out to scare people since it’s glued on his retainer. they didn’t know the MELVIN that would wait until you crouched in front of your locker to fart in your face. they didn’t know the MELVIN who got beat up cause he tried to rape one of the girls in our class. man… i could write a book about all the shit MELVIN does… anyway… people didn’t really like it when MELVIN hung out with them if he didn’t have alcohol, so he hung out with us during lunch.
alright chumps, let’s do this. LEEEROOOOOOOOY nnnJENNNNNNNNKENNNNNNNNSSSSSSnnn…
bored at my house one night(this was months before Bitches Ain’t Shit), i had a hankerin’ for some UT spit tink! YEEEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWW. so i decided to give DEAD JOHN a call. he wasn’t doing anything right then, and actually he was waiting for MELVIN and SAMURAI SMOKER to come over cause THEY were bored. i figured since MELVIN was coming over, they were gonna get drunk and just stay at his house. whatever. then they wouldn’t bother me while i was alone…with DEAD JOHN’S computer… muhhahahaahah…
i figured if DEAD JOHN, ME, MELVIN, and SAMURAI SMOKER were going over there, i could get a ride from DA HULK, since we all hang out during lunch and DA HULK is cool. i had a car(exactly like this one, except it was 2 door) but it was a standard transmission. i couldn’t drive it around the town without stalling out several times(which was totally my fault. as shitty as the car looked, i never had a automotive problem with it. EVER. plus it drove like a dream. a cramped, rusted dream with no windshield wipers; but still a DREAM! damn it.), so to save myself the embarrassment, i just bummed rides. DA HULK shares the car with his sister, so he had a “carfew”, which is lame cause he couldn’t stay out as long as we could. i surmised that we’d be at DEAD JOHN’s house past DA HULK’s curfew, and planned to get a ride back to my house from SAMURAI SMOKER since my house is on the way back to his house. my plan is working… just wait my precious Unreal Tournament… we’ll be together soon…
anyway, i get a ride from DA HULK and we show up first. DEAD JOHN answered the door in a bath robe. i found it weird. mentally, i tried to figure out what i saw using logic, but it didn’t work right:
1. are you still wearing the clothes you wore to school? yes.
2. are you wearing a bathrobe over the same clothes you wore to school? yes.
now to answer the question: why?
1. you just got out of the shower. no.
2. you just washed your hair/got a haircut. no.
3. you have a cold. no.
4. you are drunk. currently? no.
5. it is cold in the house. no.
6. you find the theater to be an invigorating, enlightened extracurricular activity. **YES.**
that last sentence made me remember who i was dealing with. i don’t know about where you guys live, but over here, everybody that does theater things are fucking freaks(and not the good kind. no offense to the thespians that are reading this, you guys kick ass. i fucking love the theater: actors, sets, all that other bullshit. except for Chris who probably won’t read this even though i told him to, go suck a dick Chris. just a recap: thespians that are reading this = cool. except Chris. he sucks. back to the story.). now i’ve been in a couple plays, but shit… come on! those jerks piss me off. ALL OF THEM. even the ones reading this.
so we were invited in and DEAD JOHN went into the back to change clothes. DA HULK sat on the couch and i sat in the recliner. i really wanted to play Unreal Tournament for some reason, and i didn’t feel like talking with DEAD JOHN. he’s a nice guy and everything, but he pissed me off with his “fancy lad” antics. when he came back wearing normal clothes, MELVIN and SAMURAI SMOKER showed up. DEAD JOHN got a phone call. it was from a girl. she wanted to come over to “hang out.” by “hanging out” i mean drink. she said her friend was with her and she wanted to come too, but we had to pick both of them up because her boyfriend brought her to his job and he had to stay there(the one on the phone had the boyfriend, not the friend that wanted to come along). DEAD JOHN finished the call and said he didn’t want to pick up the girls alone. of course he had a Suzuki Sidekick, so there would only be ONE person going. gee, guess who?
i wasn’t mad about it. i figured it was gonna be good for me because i would get to be social to the girls in the car; and they might not get so pissed off when i ditched them for a fucking video game. so off DEAD JOHN and i go to pick up some dude’s girlfriend and her friend to go “hang out” with a group of random guys. the girl’s boyfriend worked at a catfish frying place. i had no idea what exactly this guy’s actual job was, but i could just picture him already. the restaurant was only about 7-8 minutes away. we parked and walked up to it. through the window i could see this tall, lanky, retarded looking guy that looked about 30 years old. i cracked a joke about him:
ME: heh heh, is that guy the boyfriend?
DEAD JOHN: let me see… yeah that’s him.
ME: uhhh… how old are these girls we’re picking up?
DEAD JOHN: they go to our school, you know who they are.
ME: oh yeah. (i might have known who these girls were if DEAD JOHN had given me some info about them. he pretty much just said that he was friends with one of them and the other girl he knew through that first girl. does that make it any clearer for you? yeah, me either. fucking thespians…)
well we walk in the place and they are waiting in the entrance way. ok. i DO know these girls, they are underclassmen. i didn’t have any classes with them but i’d seen them walking around. the retarded looking dude was PDA’ing the SHIT out of one of them, so i assumed that she was the one that called DEAD JOHN. [YOU BETTA RECOGNIZE THE GENIUS, CHIEFS AND CHICK-CHIEFS. while reveling in my CORRECTITUDE, they introduced themselves. finally, damn! the one that was playing kissy-kissy-grab ass with the retarded looking “chester” was BABY. this isn’t the first time i’ve seen something like that; when i was a freshman, a large percentage of our girl population had boyfriends that were past the high school age(and some past college age). here are my observations:
in northern Louisiana, it’s ok to molest children as long as you:
1. drop out of college
2. are tall, skinny, and look like you’ve been in jail for a drug charge
3. claim to be Southern Baptist to Southern Baptist parents.
4. work menial jobs and spend 70% of the money on your car
5. have a redneck sounding nick-name that ends in “er” (most people probably assume that nick-names like Skeeter, Booger, Duck-Fucker, etc are “redneck stereotypes,” and real rednecks don’t have names like that. nope. they sport those titles around here like a rebel flag and sticker that says “Ain’t Skeered” on their GMC.)
anyway, BABY is a freshman(but we always call them freshMEAT. we’re SHARKS, bitches! pay attention.). she was a little shorter than me, and, uhhh, as far as 14 year olds are concerned, stacked. not saying she was the epitome of female voluptuousness, but she was fucking 14! she was definitely packing more than her counterparts. this wasn’t important really, because i was 17 at the time. in school, we learned that seniors couldn’t date freshmen because of statutory rape laws or something, i wasn’t really paying attention, religion teachers suck. she was wearing a skirt that was kinda classy-kinda not. her ass cheeks weren’t hanging out the bottom but she’d moon us if she decided to bend over.
her friend was called RHEA(a name, coined by me which is still used in our social circle). you ever met someone that looked like someone famous; like how Azrael looks like a young Keith David, R.P.D. Rookie looks like LeVar Burton, and S.A.G.A. looks like that “Li’l Ze” guy from City of God? well this bitch looked like Rhea Perlman. for those of you that don’t know, Rhea Perlman is that ugly bitch from that TV show Cheers. she’s also Danny DeVito’s wife. anybody Danny fucking DeVito can keep as a wife for more than 3 weeks has GOT to be ugly. well anyway, apparently God was scraping the bottom of the barrel when he made this one. i don’t remember what she was wearing, i don’t care. oh yeah, she’s a year older than BABY.
we get the girls and cram in DEAD JOHN’S Suzuki. this is when they inform us(by “us” i mean DEAD JOHN. i could have really given 2 shits about what they were talking about. the only thing on my mind then were those sweet, sweet head shots…) that they’re on a curfew and they have to be at BABY’S home around 11:30. so they want to get as drunk as possible, before they get home to hang out with their parents. smart. we get back to DEAD JOHN’s house and split up. chicks, DEAD JOHN and MELVIN to the refrigerator, me to the computer room. DA HULK and SAMURAI SMOKER went to the living room to watch tv.
ok, so i played a 50 frag match(which i won, cause i kick ass and the computer sucks). and popped my head out to see what was going on. they were downing beer and taking shots like they are on Fear Factor or some shit. i sighed and went back to play another round. before i started again, i heard MELVIN say something about going to the gas station to get some pills, which the girls were whooping and hollering for. i got back to playing. MELVIN was back by the time i finished up the next round. so i peeked out again. MELVIN had gotten some GO GO pills. all of the drinkees(drunk at this point) were popping them. DA HULK and SAMURAI SMOKER were sitting on the couch, half watching tv, half watching the spectacle. i went back into the room to get another round under my belt. after that 50, i peeked out again to see how our warriors had progressed. i had to hand it to them, they were drinking with no signs of stopping. DA HULK left without telling me, but SAMURAI SMOKER said he could give me a ride. i decided to get one last round in. unreal Tournament is boring against the computer. 6 frags into it, i see a figure fly past in the monitor’s reflection. so i turn around.
BABY just made a mad dash to the kitchen sing to throw up. nice. SAMURAI SMOKER and MELVIN started laughing, RHEA was standing still trying to keep her balance, DEAD JOHN’s fancy lad tendencies got the better of him in his inebriated state, so he started freaking out for no reason. i quit the game and walked out of the room. DEAD JOHN starts calling me to help her. great. ah well. let’s do this. i walk to the kitchen sink with her to see if she’s done.
BLLLLLLLLLLAAARRRRRRGHHHHHHH! she let’s out a loud barf. a whole bunch of green hits the sink. i’m still standing by her while this is going on. it’s at this point where the reader(you) finds that nothing has ever grossed me out(from my first day of high school to present). nothing. DEAD JOHN, being the biggest Stephanie i ever met, starts making motions like he was about to throw up. RHEA got her balance back a little, but she looked like SHE was about to throw up. great. MELVIN, who comes to school drunk, remained in his natural “drunk-ass” state. no barf from MELVIN. at least i can rely on that. i can also rely on SAMURAI SMOKER’s lazy ass not helping me with this. DEAD JOHN gets an idea:
DEAD JOHN: hey, lets put her in the bathroom. so she can like throw up and do other stuff in the toilet.
ME: fine. (i was assuming “other stuff” meant pissing, i didn’t remember hearing anyone going to the bathroom during my unreal sessions… not that i keep an eye out for stuff like that…)
DEAD JOHN: yeah, hey BABY. we’re gonna take you into the bathroom.
BABY: wait,wait,wait,wairrBOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRLLLLLLLLLLGHHHHHHHHH!
ME: nice…
BABY: i can’t mooooove. i might throw up before we get there.
ME: how about we wait here?
BABY: i wanna sit down. in the bathroom.
DEAD JOHN(being a fucking Stephanie): come on! let’s get her in the bathroom. she might throw up! i’ll pick her up.
ME: sigh no, you’ll definitely drop her. i’ll pick her up. ok BABY, don’t throw up on me.
BABY: mmmhmmmm…
i positioned myself perpendicular to her on her right side. i was going to try to pick her up like a husband would carry his wife over the threshold. not because i just spontaneously fell in love with this puking 14 year old, but because if she started up again, i could catch the puke with her body and still have enough time to drop her ass on the floor and S-Groove dodge if it started to ooze on my shirt(which was my favorite joke shirt at the time; don’t hate, scrubs). of course this didn’t work as planned. i bent to get my right forearm in her knee pit. i grabbed her left shoulder with my left hand and tried to support her neck with my left forearm. maybe both of us should have had some sort of a team huddle to discuss how we were going to do this, cause we definitely weren’t on the same page. when i got her up in the air, she started flailing around and twisting like she didn’t know what the hell was going on. then she looked to her right, saw my face, and wrapped her left arm around my right shoulder. this was an awkward position for both of us. so we both start trying to wrestle for a decent position. she starts gyrating her hips and kicking to turn her body around for an apparent “face-to-face” drunken carry. i anticipate her next kick and when she went for it, i quickly took my right arm and switched positions from having it under her, cradling her to having it above her, using my right hand to carry most of her weight. well of course this didn’t work and my hand slipped and only caught her left leg. she made a spontaneous kick and my hand shot up her dress. so know i have this girl positioned horizontally like a battering ram with the back of my thumb resting on her “celestial orifice”. i could have just seen her 30 year old boyfriend kicking the door in to see this happening. **“WHUT TH’ FHUCK ER YOO DU’N WIT’ MAH GOORL?” **he’d probably say while he got his chains on his truck ready to drag my ass around town like a can on the back of a newlywed couple’s car. fuck this! i’m stronger than her! i put all my weight into throwing her lower half into a better position. i finally get my right arm around both of her legs. she stops kicking and decides that her upper half needs to be higher. so she tightens her left arm’s grip and forces her face into the left side of my neck. she starts nuzzling into my neck and starts kicking again. FUCK! i could have been IN the bathroom by now. finally i decided to let her win and loosen my grip on her legs somewhat, just to see what the hell she was trying to do. she bucked until her right leg touched the ground. the second it did, she swung it around my body and locked it. now at this point we are in the most sexual position two non-consenting people could possibly be in. she’s got her arms wrapped around me, her face buried in my neck, her legs are wrapped around me which made her skirt ride up, MY right hand is trying to keep her supported so she won’t slip off of me so it’s pressed up against her ass, and since she’s only a few inches shorter than me, our privates are in perfect alignment. wonderful.
luckily the counter we were behind went up past our midsections so MELVIN and SAMURAI SMOKER couldn’t see what was happening. DEAD JOHN was by us, but his back was turned. he was looking at RHEA who had just decided to put her head on the table, by letting it slam down. WHAM! right on her forehead! she was passed out. everybody except me(and BABY) stared at RHEA like she was dead or something. i figured this was a great opportunity to overpower this chick i was holding. i took my right hand that was currently smashed all up on her ass and grabbed her right leg by her knee. i pried her leg loose. she started kicking again, but this time i kept my hand on her leg. i moved it as for to MY right as possible. too bad it was only to my right leg. apparently her leg saw an “opening” to latch on to something again. so now both of her legs are wrapped and locked around my right leg. great. out of the skillet, into the fire. why, you ask? at least, when we were in the standing sex position, i could have moved her “stuff” away from my “stuff,” but now her thigh was pressed squarely against my “stuff,” and every movement(on both of out parts) is making my blood cache fill up. for those of you that don’t know what a “blood cache” is(which is all of you. because i just made it up), think of your wang in a preboner state. i’m pretty sure most guys can tell when they are about to pop a boner. sometimes during intense arousal, yet before an erection, you’ll feel the blood start to collect down there, and when you start contracting your kegel muscles, you’ll pop wood(duh). what i’ve found out(this is strictly me specifically. i don’t know or care about if this happens to you guys. i’ve spent enough of my time worrying about other dudes erections, and frankly i’m tired of it.) is that if i push as hard as i can like i’m trying to piss out a football sideways, i won’t get a boner(of course this only works when i don’t have to piss.). i call it the “Push of War”. actually, i should call it “The Losing Battle” because while i’m concentrating on not letting my kegel muscles spaz me into bonerville, blood is still rushing down there. i guess my brain’s response to me not getting hard is to force me to get hard by adding more blood. yeah, well a weird thing happens at this point. it gets REALLY uncomfortable. then not so uncomfortable. then it tickles, then IT’S ON! by “it’s on” i mean i don’t have a real name for it but the closest thing i can say it resembles is a QUAD DAMAGE PISSGASM. most guys know what i’m talking about when i say pissgasm; a mini orgasm while you are taking a piss. pissgasms usually go away instantly after you finish pissing, which blows. this QUAD DAMAGE one is different:
the good stuff:
1. since i’m forcing myself to piss while empty, getting the pissgasm is all profit, baby
2. PLUS it’s SUPER intense. at least 4 times stronger than a normal pissgasm(hence the term. it’s also about 3/4 the intensity of a normal orgasm).
3. it will last as long as you can fight the urge to use your kegel muscles
4. you don’t get hard, so it’s not real obvious(unless you are a screamer…).
5. and during the QDP, you don’t bust a nut. talk about sweet. all the awesomeness of a normal one, with no mess!
*the bad stuff: *
1. to get a QDP you can’t bust a nut for a long ass time(it just so happened that i hadn’t busted a nut in a long time); like weeks. that’s a lot of work. QDPs have only happened to me 3 times in my life
2. of course, you’ll probably piss yourself if you actually have to pee.
3. “faux pissing” is like the “invisible chair” you can’t do it forever. you’ll eventually try to take a rest. that’s when you lose.
4. the second you stop pressing, you’re kegel muscle will spaz and you will get hard. the erection is FAST. think of that video with the small kid that threw the burrito at the bigger kid. think of the bigger kid’s arm as your wang. that fast.
5. and the instant you get hard, the QDP goes away like nothing ever happened; leaving you high, dry, and embarrassed because you just ripped your fucking pants and everybody’s looking at you.
If there is only like 50 of these things in the wild you think they’d have a sign up or something.
this fucking killed me*
). I did all I could for u and u pushed and accused me of things I didn’t do. I’ll still forgive u though