The Official SRK Crazy Story Thread IV - The Next Generation

Calling all victims of messed up situations!

After the last CST died, languishing in its own awsome stench of greatness, i’ve decided to try and create a new one.

Hopefully this will be the place where all the new blood, and of course, the more world weary, will come and share their own broken experiences of life… Yes Stuc & Shaft, i’m looking at you!

Anyway, to kick things off, i thought i’d repost one of my own! - SONG UNTITLED.

Song: untitled.


Me: needs no intro.
Marie: Sweedish Jazz singer.
Jade: English session singer.
The Band: will get intros as and when.
Kitty: my ex wife.

During the time I was married (this takes place in 2003, by the way) I was still very much involved in music, playing with various bands and frequenting the gigging circuit. It was one of the things that kept me sane, as it gave me the perfect opportunity to get out of the house and away from the thorn in my side that was my now ex-wife.

You see, there’s something about being able to write your feelings down in music form, and having others understand just where you’re coming from in a few simple verses, that’s incredibly liberating. The whole process of creating a song from the ground up, and then perfroming the finished article to an audience is a great experience. One that I’d reccomend to anyone. I’ve enjoyed writing lyrics, music and performing in front of an audience since before ‘…and you’ll be a man my son’, and with that episode as my inspiration my creative juices never really stopped flowing.

My main, and last, band were called Goatshop (we were together for 2 years. This story takes place towards the end of that period) where I played Bass and doubled up as the frontman. Yes, I know Goatshop’s a bit of a mad name. It came about after myself and my three other band members had finished a particularly ‘green’ and drink fuelled practice session and had decided to combine two very obvious facts, which were 1. Fran, our drummer, was from Sicily and had earned the name ‘Goat Fucker’ simply because he came from the countryside… Oh, and because he was an arrogant, spitefull cunt and no one actually liked him, and 2. I was an area manager for Game at the time, looking after three stores. Hence ‘Goatshop’. Well, in anycase, the name stuck and we decided to roll with it.

Our sound was Jazz influenced Metal, which was popular as there werent many other bands out there at the time experimenting with that format. The Jazz came from my fleeting fascination with the way the former Incognito Bassist Randy Hope-Taylor played. The Bass wasn’t my first choice of instrument but, like my sister, I’m able to play pretty much anything you put in front of me.

As a band we did a lot together: went to gigs, supporting our friends, as they themselves played in their own bands, going on regular pub crawls and, of course, practising hard.

On one occasion myself and my lead guitarist, Ed, were invited, with three days notice, to make up the numbers at a speakeasy Pub called The Wheatsheaf by the event organiser, Jim. The wheatsheaf was located just off Oxford Street, Central London. It was only a small accoustic event, but was frequented bi-monthly by other musicians eager to get responces, feedback and comments about the new songs they were working on from people who knew what they were talking about. I remember shitting bricks because, being quite a heavy band, we were short on accoustic numbers to play. However, on the short notice I did have, I managed to whip up one accoustic ballad called ‘Blackheart’, which Ed helped me put music to, and performed to a half-full room of other musicians. With both of us playing harmonies on the guitars, and dueting the chorus, the performance went well. We were even asked to perform another piece, which we had to decline because none of what we had, as a band anyway, seemed appropriate. As we saw the event as minor publicity for the group, we had agreed to not play any individual pieces before hand…

We networked with the other musicians, between sets, and gave great feedback where it was due. It had turned out to be a decent event, after all.

… And I even got the number of a pretty Jazz singer called Marie Chan-Strollier…

Marie was a born North Korean who had been adopted at an early age by Sweedish parents and had spent most of her life there, so to say that she oozed fuckability just by opening her mouth was an undersatement. Hearing her sing had the same effect on most of the other males there too, each wanting to slip her some digits or whatever else they had in mind. It wasn’t until the evening was over, however, that I found myself talking more in depth with her about what she had hoped to find in this country. It turned out that she was taking a break from her studies and that she wanted to sample London life before going back to Sweeden, finishing University and getting a responsible job. Like me, she performed as a hobby. She asked me what I did and I told her, expecting her to say, “you work for who?” she instead surprised me, by telling me that she herself had a more than respectable Nintendo console collection, back in Sweeden, of which she was only missing a few pieces to complete.

So we continued our chat, well into the night, with Ed leaving early with some other female guitarist for what we called a ‘jam, spliff and strum’ session back at his (im sure you don’t need me to explain that, do you?) Soon enough, it was just the two of us…

Me: its getting late, you should think about getting home… Where is home anyway?
Marie: I’m staying at a Hostel in Notting Hill Gate.
Me: really? I live just down the road from there, so we’ll get the same train… You don’t mind, do you?
Marie: not at all, I’d like that very much.

So we hopped on the Central Line Underground together, at Tottenham Court Road, and continued our conversation on the way towards Notting Hill Gate. Our chat took us through quite a few turns, the both of us feeling more comfortable with each other and flirting openly. I found out that she was a little younger than my then twenty five years but Marie, a very young looking twenty three year old, was definitely mature enough for what I had in mind. We finally ended up on the subject of my band, Goatshop.

Marie: so, its your band, then?
Me: yup.
Marie: its not just you and Ed, though is it?
Me: nope.
Marie: …
Me: …
Marie: so come on, why so secretive! (she playfully punched my right arm and then held onto it with her small hands, trying to get them around my bicep) Tell me how many of you there are, how you met and all!
Me: sorry, I’m not used to talking about my band with women…

This wasn’t a lie because, up until this point anyway, the only woman I did speak to gave me such a hard time over anything which involved other people that I just found it easier to keep my mouth shut and avoid any questions which required an explanation. It wasn’t ideal, but it kept me out of trouble; so of course my natural response would be to clam up when put in the same situation with someone else. I did notice, by her silence, that Marie had made a mental note of my last comment, causing me to instantly curse myself for being so honest and for giving information away. After all, if you’re planning to cheat on your woman, you don’t want the person you’re with to know that you’re attached, or that you have any outstanding issues with the opposite sex, do you?

I explained our band’s meeting, being very careful with my words now, as we left the station and I walked her back to her Hostel. I went into depth about how I had met Ed while he was working at one of my branches, before moving onto a new, better paid, managerial job at Ivor Mirants’ musical instrument store. I also told her that the others just fell into their positions from Ed and i’s many Pub outings, ultimately forming, what I liked to proudly call, ‘a modern mess of broken individual sounds’. None of us really liked each other much, save for Ed and myself, but we played well together and managed to make an ok side income from our gigs.

Outside the Hostel, Marie asked if I wanted to come in to ‘continue our chat’. I obliged, and followed her into her dorm… We ignored the three other people there, continuing to get lost in our own little world of each other, and eventually went on to give them a pretty decent voyeristic show of slow, considerate sex… Marie had now become my second, official, groupie.

I made it home at about 03:30 the next morning to a triad of abuse from my then wife. Not that I cared. It wasn’t like she understood, or wanted to understand, anything about me anyway… I just gave my obligatory one worded answers and stayed up re-playing Final Fantasy 8 game saves until it was time to go to work, with a few cans of Stella for company…

Over the next two months Marie would attend all of Goatshop’s practise sessions, at the studio we hired in Sheperds Bush, and was present at all of our gigs, cheering me on. I was like a pig in shit. I had found, it seemed, a woman who had similar interests and a willingness to get involed. What I was missing at home, I found with Marie…

She did eventually find out that I was married, but didn’t see it as a problem, as she was just happy to be seeing me regularly without any proper relationship strings attacthed and, at this point in my life, I thought that was all I needed.

One day while hanging out with Ed and Marie at his flat, jamming and burning weed, the three of us found ourselves working on a new song we later called ‘Inches’. With Marie’s girlish Japanese influenced vocals and my own LaJohn (Sevendust) sounding gruff voice, we made a song to be proud of and decided to add it to our existing set of 15 songs and to perform it at our next gig which was only a week away.

Understandably we were all very excited, as the only other band we personally knew of with a female vocalist belonged to Ed’s friend, Barry. They were called Seratia Calm and were quite a bit more respected than us on the circuit, having played at larger venues, being invited to play at festivals and earning a one album record deal with a small Soho company… I didn’t like Barry very much…


The night before our gig my drummer, Fran, called me up to say that he had a spare ticket to see a Huge Norweigen band called Satyricon, who were playing at the Astoria that evening, as the girl he was supposed to go with had let him down. I told him that I would be there and got dressed to go out, ignoring my wife’s protests. I took a guess at what the crowd would be wearing, as different bands sometimes require slightly different clothes, and chose my wardrobe. At the time I had a number of silver piercings (eyebrow, lip, bullring, flesh tunnels and a few others I won’t tell you about! Most of them are gone now, though.) which I liked to set off with my usual black wardrobe. That night was no exception. I wore a tight fitting black tee shirt, showing off some of the self-designed Tattoos on my arms, with a pair of boot cut black chords and a pair of Bunker Boots. I wore my Dreads down, letting them partly cover my face… I was ready.

Fran and I bowled into the Astoria and instantly felt right at home with all the other Goths and hardcore Metalheads. As usual, I was in the minority and stood out like a dirt spot on a white sheet, which was no bother as I actually liked being different. I had been in there for no less than ten minutes, and was trying to make my way to the bar, before making eye contact with a tall, slim, English white girl wearing a leather lace-up basquette, leather miniskirt and knee length New Rocks. She also had on a pair of purple and black lace topped stockings which were just visible over the top of her boots and black lace fingerless gloves. The girl was pretty, with the obligatory black hair, black eye make up and blood red lipstick. She came straight up to me and said.

Girl: you look interesting… What’s your name?
Me: (eyeing her cleavage and belly button piercing It was a Bat with red eyes.) Sifu.
Girl: my names Jade. Do you like Satyricon?
Me: can’t say I know too much about them.
Jade: its gonna be a great gig y’know. I don’t think I’ll be staying for all of it though…
Me: how so?
Jade: cos I’m gonna get fucked tonight.
Me:…ok, someone’s eager…
Jade: (smiling) so, you gonna buy me a drink or what?

I bought Jade her drink, a double Vodka & Orange, and we spoke more about the band we were there to see, while Fran wondered off the get a better view of the currently playing supporting act, Cold.

Me: so do you usually pick up blokes at gigs then?
Jade: you make me sound like a whore!
Me: (well if the hat fits) not at all! Its just odd, that’s all, you don’t know me from Adam.
Jade: I don’t need to, I can see you’re worthwhile. Anyway, you’re not gonna tell me you’re already taken, or not into girls, are you?
Me: (putting my had around her slim waist and pulling her closer. She came to me with no resistance) what do you think?
Jade: hmmm…(whispering in my ear) Well I’m free… and into guys …(she gave my ear a quick nibble) … and girls, too…
Me: (checking my back pockets for the Trojans) cool. You got any mates here I should know about?
Jade: you couldn’t handle both of us…
Me: try me.

So I did…albeit without her friend. We ended up in the crowded men’s toilets, just before Satyricon started playing, ignoring the banging on the cubicle door from the pissheads dying to shit, snort or puke their lives away. The sex was violent and noisy, though not loud enough to be heard above the cheers of the fans at the venue as Satyricon took to the stage. When we were done, her arse in the air and head resting on the toilet lid, I told her that we should think about actually seeing the band, which we did, after she got cleaned up.

About half way through Satyricon’s set, Fran found us again at the bar, in time to see Jade bending over in front of me grinding her buttocks against my groin and arching her back to kiss me on the cheek. He made the comment that he couldn’t take me anywhere and then stood there, expectantly, with a dumb smile on his face. Under duress I introduced him to Jade, and left them talking while I went further up the bar to get a round of drinks in.

When I returned, Jade was all smiles.

Jade: you never told me you were in a band, and the frontman no less. That’s fucking brill!
Me: (frowning at Fran) yup.
Jade: I sing as well… Y’know, session. Maybe we can team up?

I was silent, staring at Fran. Could he really have been so stupid?

Me: … Sure…
Jade: So where’s your gig at tomorrow, then?
Me: (now wanting to kill Fran) its at the Metro Club.
Fran: (in his thick accent) 100 Oxford Street. Bring your friends! It will be good!
Jade: hmmm…(slinking over to me and whispering in my ear, again) you just get sexier and sexier, don’t you?

Now, don’t get me wrong. In an ideal world this would have been perfect. I had stumbled upon a great-looking submissive goth chick, who wanted nothing more of me than to be fucked… Hard. I should have been over the moon about it. As it happens, however, this wasn’t an ideal situation, and I wasn’t particularly happy. I had every intention of never seeing this girl again, simply because I already had my hands full with Marie and whatever I had to deal with at home. By his actions, Fran had reminded me just why he was known as the ‘Goat Fucker’. His small mind simply wasn’t able to realise the potential danger of what his dumb mouth had created and now, because of his inabillity to keep his gob shut, our biggest gig to date was potentially at risk.

Of course I, being the stupid sod I am, had decided to make the most of a bad situation and bumped uglies with Jade one last time on a park bench in the small square behind the Astoria before going home. Of course we were seen a few times, by some stragglers in the distance, but no one said anything to us. I worked on the premise that most people who travelled into Central London didn’t actually live there, and I was unlikely to see them again anyway.

Towards the end of our final session of the night, between grunts, Jade began speaking to me.

Jade: I’d really like to see you again, Sifu.
Me: you’re coming tomorrow aren’t you?
Jade: (switching from her knees to straddle me) no, I mean I want more of you…
Me: …oh.
Jade: (stopping and placing her hand on my cheek) …you DO want to see me again, don’t you?
Me: well, yes.
Jade: good. I’d hate to think you were gonna blank me tomorrow. I think I look good on your arm anyway so it makes sense, doesn’t it?

I chose to not answer her, instead I flipped her onto her back and fucked her harder, hoping to take her mind off the subject. She didn’t mention it again afterwards, but it still played on my mind.

Thing is, as much as I hated to admit it, Jade was right. As far as my band’s image was concerned, she did look great and was certainly more suited for the part of co vocalist than Marie’s oriental cuteness. She was also a much more liberal shagging partner, with almost limitless possibillities (the idea of having her and her mate at the same time had me thinking allsorts!) I just wished that I had met her before Marie… The girl who was actually growing on me in ways I haddnt accounted for…

When we were done, I got her number and made the kayfabe promise that she would be hearing from me soon. The only thing was that I really wanted to see her again now, if only for a rematch, but the potential complications had really put me off.

The next day was taken up with a practice session which started early. We were due to be on stage at 21:30 that evening with the two supporting bands, Deviant and Seratia Calm, to have two half hour slots before our own hour long set. I remember the talks with Barry (Seratia Calm) about the order of play for the event. It didn’t end pretty. He believed that as his band were more popular they should have had the hour set and we should have been supporting them! I had to remind him that I was the person who organised the gig and that if he didn’t like it, his arse should take it up with my boot… In the end, he relented… Deviant, on the other hand, were just happy to make their debut on the circuit at such a good venue. They were chosen by me also, having heard them a few weeks earlier in one of the practise rooms at the studios we hired.

At about midday Marie turned up with two six packs, a duty free box of cigarettes and a pack of ten jam doughnuts, “just in case you wasters wanted breakfast,” she joked. She skipped over to me and gave me a kiss, which the guys enjoyed taking the piss out of.

We had just finished rehearsing ‘Inches’ at the end of our first main session, and were about to take a break. Fran was telling Ed and the other guys about the gig we were at the night before, while myself and Marie had walked off to Sheperds Bush Market just to see what was about. She was holding onto my arm and did a very good job of stroking my ego as we looked at some of the market stalls. She looked cute today as she was wearing a tight yellow crop top with black baggy combats, hung low so as to reveal her yellow thong. On her small, slender, frame it looked good. I commented on this and she responded by holding me closer as we walked through the stalls, until we stopped at one selling children’s toys…

Marie: …look at those Teddies, Sifu. They’re so cute!
Me: why don’t you choose one?
Marie: oh, thank you!

She chose a medium sized bear which was kitted out with a leather biker jacket and goggles. The writing on the back of the jacket read, ‘ill ride with you’.

(i should actually point out that, at the time, I owned a black and burgundy 1200cc Yamaha Dragstar Classic which Marie loved riding on)

Marie: thanks… I know! Ill name him Sifu!
Me: cool. Make sure he sleeps with you when I’m not there, k?

Marie agreed whilst smiling and then was silent for a while, looking at her new bear.

Marie: you know, sifu, its a shame you’re married.
Me: I know. Its pants aint it?
Marie: no really. It IS crap. You’re such a nice guy and you’re stuck with that bitch. If I had my way, I’d take you back to Sweeden with me tomorrow!

Part of her comment about me and my situation was true, only the part about me being a nice guy was a bare faced missinformed judgement. In truth, I was an absolute bastard to women, and Marie certainly didn’t deserve what was happening to her. Marie was getting closer to me …and, like the selfish idiot that was me, I was allowing her to. I had been thinking of leaving my wife anyway, even before we got married in fact, but had not, even at that point, developed the balls to do it. It was far easier to continue as I was, with my random encounters, and to bury my head in the sand pretending everything was ok.

I remembered Jade from the night before, and began mentally comparing the two again, before then trying to figure out a way out if the mess Fran had got me into that evening. Marie’s next statement, however, shocked me back to reality.

Marie: I can’t wait to sing with you tonight. I’ve really been looking forward to it, and practicing hard all week!
Me: …what? Oh yeah, its gonna be heavy.
Marie: isn’t it just! (hugging me again)… I’m glad I met you Sifu. You’re good for me, you know that?

That really wasn’t what I wanted to hear… I toyed with the idea of telling her about what may be in store that evening, but decided not to as I hoped that Jade wasn’t going to turn up. I knew Jade lived quite a distance away, in Dartford, Kent, and would have had to make a supreme effort to get to the gig in London. I hoped no one would be that desperate to make that trip two days on the trot unless they really had to… So I kept my mouth shut and led her back to the studio where we continued our rehearsals.

During our next break, I noticed Ed winking at me from the other side of the room (on stage, he would look at me and wink so I knew there was a problem) while strumming random chords on his Fender. I got up and made my way over to him, leaving Marie with Nathan, the rhythm guitarist.

Ed: (whispering) you’re in shit bruv.
Me: you heard, right?
Ed: not half, mate. What you gonna do?
Me: I aint got a scooby (scooby doo = clue)
Ed: if I can help, mate… Yeah? If it all kicks off, Just keep the show going. I heard there might be some Sony guys there.
Me: I won’t fuck up.
Ed: I know you won’t, bruv, you’re mustard (mustard = hot). Lets get to it, then!

We had one more session before loading up the van I had hired and taking our equipment to the venue where we completed our sound check, then let the other bands get theirs out of the way.

We were ready.

The Metro club was filling up nicely. I had placed an ad in the Metro newspaper (free on the London Underground) the previous morning, in their gig guide section, and was happy to see people arriving with their clipppings, allowing them cheaper entry on the door. While I was stood outside, having a ***, I was approached by the club’s promoter, Neil, who told me that the gig was due to start at any minute and that there were about 270 people inside. I thanked him, finished my cigarette and made my way downstairs just in time to catch Deviant’s first song.

When they were done with their blistering set the next band, Seratia Calm, begrudgingly took to the stage and gave a half heated performance, as I had expected.

Then it was our turn and, best of all, there was still no sign of Jade.

All the bands had agreed before hand to use our kit and leave the essentials on stand by to speed up the change overs, so the only thing me and my guys needed to bring to the stage was our guitars. We walked onto the set and took up our positions. I began to growl the familiar words to the audience, “I am pleased, with what I see before me… Boys and girls, we are Goatshop…and we are… Unconventional!” and then the slow growl to a shouted, “unos, duos tres!” before Ed hit them with the opening riff to our first number, ‘Alone’.

I was pleased, so far, as everything seemed to be working out for the better. We sounded good, our small following were there and we seemed to be liked by the newcomers also, who were banging their heads to our music… And there was still no sign of Jade!

We were just about to start our second song, ‘Who knows’, when I noticed Ed winking at me frantically. I looked at him with my eyebrow raised as if to say, ‘what’s up?’ and he nodded over to the bar where Marie was sitting and raised his own eyebrows as if to say, “who’s that?” before striking the opening riff. I looked across the small venue in Marie’s direction and what I saw caused my heart to skip a beat and, almost, made me miss my cue.

I noticed Marie’s beautiful smile, her pink bandanna holding her long hair out of her face, which was completely oblivious to what was rubbing shoulders with her to her left. To my horror, there was Jade, standing there in all her cat like glory, waving madly… I didn’t even see her come in! I pointed in their direction, and gave a bull horn salute, hoping it would satisfy the two watching women, letting them know I had seen them and giving me time to think. I looked back at Fran, the drummer, who I knew had seen them, and scowled. He simply gave me that dumb smile of his… Damned Goat Fucker.

I limped through the next few songs until it was time to call Marie to the stage to perform Inches. Just before I did that though I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, the familiar red coat, and same colour Dreads of the woman I really wasn’t expecting to see… My wife… It just got better…

It would later turn out that she had seen the ad for my band’s gig in the Metro newspaper on her way to work that morning and, in a rare fit of actually giving a shit, had decided to turn up to ‘show support’. By the time she had arrived, of course, it was already too late to change the set as Ed and Nathan were already down-tuning their guitars… I had no choice but to continue…

I introdued Marie to the crowd and she, in her blissfull unnawareness, hopped up to where I was, hugged me and snuck a quick kiss on my lips before picking up the spare mic. In the almost silence before we began I heard Jade yell, “who the fuck is that yellow bitch?!” I saw my wife’s expression change too, even as she looked over to where the voice came from. Marie looked at me, confused, and squinted through the audience to the bar, where she had been sitting and where the voice had come from, only to see an angry Jade glaring back at her.

I was shitting it now and wasn’t quite sure what to do next. It seemed as though the whole venue were expecting some kind of cataclysmic event to occour… and then the murmurs began… I signalled for the drummer to start, but the Goat Fucker seemed way too interested in watching me fall flat on my face. Is was Ed, though, who saved the moment by beginning the song, Inches, ahead of Fran, who had no choice then but to catch up.

The next six and a half minutes were incredibly tense. Marie and I managed to pull off our duet though, but without our usual chemistry. The song was flat and lifeless. I wasn’t surprised because after what she had just heard, she was understandably upset and visibly shaken… When the song was over, Marie cast a hurt glance at me as she got off the stage… And made her way over to where Jade was sitting…

Our set continued laboriously, and as it did, I saw my life literally unravel before me as Jade and Marie seemed to be deep in discussion and, to make matters worse, Kitty, my wife, was making her way over to them to join in the debate!

By the end of the gig, the three of them were sitting there, looking at me, with looks of death on their faces.

Amid the applause of the audience, and a sympathetic pat on the back from Ed, the band watched me unplug my guitar, sling it across my back, hop off the stage and slowly walk the Green Mile to certain doom… I had a lot of explaining to do…

By the time I got there, Kitty had a smirk on her face, and I knew then that the perverse bitch was enjoying seeing me squirm. I did expect this from her though, as she obviously just saw the whole fiasco as a chance to gain bragging rights for a later date; ammunition she would later throw at me in future arguments. Actually, that pretty much summed her up. Kitty was addicted to drama and loved the attention she got from whoever would listen to her gossip about the various trials and tribulations she had to go through in her otherwise mundane life… Even if they didn’t really affect her… Or were in any way true… This situation was no different. Kitty had been living a double life anyway, having multiple partners behind my back, or so she thought, so this wasn’t really a surprise to her.

Marie and Jade, on the other hand, had just found out that they had been lied to and were undersandably unhappy and had found solace in each other. The two were so different, but had managed to unite their forces, with me as the common enemy.

Marie: …and I wanted to take you home…

She began crying. I wanted so much to cuddle her at that point, but knew that if I showed any favoritism at all, it would probably come back to bite me in the arse. Instead I just stood there, looking sheepish, and tried to not make eye contact with any of them.

My wife then piped up and simply smirked, “ill see you at home, then?” and left. Leaving me to pick up the pieces with the other two. Jade had put her arm around Marie and was comforting her. She was obviously the stronger of the two. I guessed that Jade, having been involved in our scene for far longer, had probably expected that i, as a front man and band leader, would have been slightly promiscuous.

After a while I pulled up the bar stool to the side of Marie and sat down next to her. I tried to touch her but she instead got up and told me to leave her alone, and ran off to where Ed was standing. I saw him hug her and look over at me, raising both eyebrows… So now it was just jade.

Jade: its a shame, Sifu. You could have had so much…
Me: yeah… I’m sorry.
Jade: yeah… Of course you are… Look… Seems to me that the only one really hurt here is your little chinese friend.
Me: korean.
Jade: whatever… You should have just told me.
Me: I know.
Jade: I wouldn’t be here looking like a cunt then.
Me: …
Jade: I thought you might have been different, but you’re not… (she lit a cigarette whilst thinking to herself for a moment) Tell you what. Sort your shit out, then think about giving me a call, alright? I’m sure we can work something out.

And with that, she picked up her bag, which was in the shape of a coffin, and made her way to the exit, passing a gloating Fran who tried to talk to her but was met, instead, with Jade telling him to fuck off.

The venue was beginning to empty now, much to my relief, and I found myself cursing my luck. The other bands were leaving too, with Barry coming up to me at the bar, placing his hand on my shoulder and saying, “hard luck, mate. She was nice too.” before slinging his 12 string over his shoulder and following his group out. His female lead, Sara, cast me the evils before following him. Christ…, I thought, did everyone know my business?!

Now, the only person I had left to deal with was Marie. To be honest, I didn’t know where to begin with her. Marie had been a huge driving force for the band and had introduced loads of new elements we haddnt even considered. She was respected by the other guys and had pretty much made herself a permanent fixture. She fulfilled loads of roles which were important to us including , stylist, agony aunt and just all round confidence booster…and I had fucked it up.

The guys were all around her now, each knowing the truth and trying to comfort her. I went to touch her again, but she moved to stand behind Ed, who looked at me and shrugged. Each of the band members seemed incredibly pissed off with me for the fact of me hurting Marie like this, after all, she was now like a kid sister to all of them… All except for Fran, who just stood there with that innane grin on his mug.

It seemed I had no choice. I really couldn’t be bothered with all of the explanations and arguments that were sure to follow. Instead I took the cowards way out.

I announced to the band that I quit.

I grabbed my guitar and made my way to the exit, only to be stopped by Ed.

Ed: Sifu, mate!
Me: …what?
Ed: you don’t have to bail, y’know.
Me: well I can’t stay, you all hate me.
Ed: …true… But we aint Goatshop without you.
Me: yeah you are… You’ve got Marie… You’ll do fine…

And then I left.

I didn’t go home for three days, electing to stay at a bed and breakfast rather than face my wife. I did call Jade, though, who kept me company while I was there. We continued to see each other for a few months but, to be fair, it was just sex, and the magic dissapeared quickly. Without the added buzz of me being in a band, it just wasn’t the same and the bottom soon fell out… We soon gave up on each other… But not before I got to shag Jade and her mate together, though.

The other band members I didn’t bother with, as I never really saw them as friends anyway. I did stay in contact with Ed, however, and followed the band’s progress from afar, until he eventually disolved it, a year later, and moved on to New Zealand… With Marie.

As for my wife: We continued to limp along for a few years, yelling at and mistrusting each other, until I went to visit Kaz after three and a half years of not seeing her. She helped me put my life back on track and into perspective, and I eventually called it a day.

I do still think about my life in music, and where it could have taken me, but, ultimately, I think I made the right choice in leaving it behind… I could never have made it up to Marie anyway, as I had given her a terrible initiation into the Metal circuit, and I’m glad she managed to find a partner in Ed and wish them all the best.

I actually bumped into Nathan, the rhythm guitarist, at Liverpool Street station a few days ago on my way home from work (he’s actually the reason I’m writing this) and he told me that Ed and Marie had a little girl, after 5 years of being together, and were doing well. They had named her Swan which, ironically, was the name of the first song Ed and I wrote together… One we never performed…


I would recommend performing live to anyone, whatever your musical tastes, its most definitely a rewarding experience. Only, for myself at least, the lifestyle I chose wasn’t doing anything positive for me and, besides, I’m much more content composing for myself these days, with my current partner, Kaz, as my inspiration.


I really like your stories Sifu, always have. I feel like I might have read this one in the CSIII thread. I know it’s not any of my business but are you still with Kaz now? I remember you talking a little bit about dropping this wife and ending up with Kaz, but you haven’t posted any stories in awhile so I was wondering how that was going.

Wow. Awesome story Sifu. Crazy, crazy, crazy…

I see you’re into Randy Hope Taylor? I knew Incognito was big over where you are. I play bass btw. Big fan of Julian Crampton on bass. I believe he played on some of Incognito’s studio stuff, most notably the song “Jacob’s Ladder”.


You will have read this one, as it’s a repost. I only intended to set the ball rolling with this new CS Thread.

Yes i am still with Kaz, almost 6 years now, and we have a georgeous daughter.

Thanks for asking.

Posted this earlier today in thread three but since I guess that’s on the way out I’ll just do it here:

I was gonna start Part IV, but felt I wasn’t worthy enough, LOL…thanks Sifu!

Guess I’ll repost my story then!

Round 1: FIGH-OH SHIT KO!!***

Okay, this happened like two weeks ago near my crib, I went to this new barbershop to get sexy…it as Latino owned, but an obese black dude did my shit (stomach bumping into my head and all :rofl:) shit came out pretty decent, after I was done with that, decided to grab a bite to eat at a nearby pizza shop…

There was this bum that I’ve seen around the way acouple times chillin like near the entrance to the shop, he knew my face since I gave him change afew times (I’m just nice like that, sue me, lol) dude did his usual bum routine “Scuze me brotha, you got some change?” I sorta ignore him and go into the store to order my shit…I sit down on the table and some white MILF comes in (some TIG ASS BITTIES on her boy!) asking dude workin there if he could have her can of SPAM opened I kinda snicker and just look up on the TV hearin niggas be salty about the Celtics losing…this chick was starin a HOLE at me, in all her giggly, gargling, breathless splendor…I woulda been on that if she didn’t sound like she was drowning (that gurgling shit wasn’t sexy AT-ALL!) lol, I ignore her, pay for my food and make my way out the door…

Oh yes, the homeless dude…dude asks me for change AGAIN, I tell him I don’t have any (big mistake) and he goes on and says “You lyin! you got enough to buy you food but not enough for you brotherman?” I tell him exactly and try to walk away…tell me why this dude LOUNGED for my food WHILE trying to get in my pocket? this dude was RIGHT IN MY FACE, so I did what any sane person would do…cock my head back and gave him an EX BUFFALO HEADBUTT…right on the bridge of his nose! I heard that shit crunch, blood instantly flying out his nostrils…I basically didn’t give dude a chance to fall down as I dropped my food and immediately came in with a right cross and he was DOOOONE…he tried to get up, eyes glazed and all…I back up still looking at him, picked up my food (I was hungry as FUCK, haha) and walked away…not without causing some sorta scene, since there were people at a nearby busstop running up to dude looking at the damage, with one dude saying “DAMN PA, YOU FUCKED HIM UP!” I ignored him and hustled my ass back home, lamenting what just happened…

I felt guilty as shit after that too, really dunno why, dude had all that shit comin to him too, but I still felt awful…I’m too nice I guess shrugs…oh, and white MILF came out the store, eyes wide open, mouth covered, tryna muffle the gurgles :rofl:

Well, there’s my story…not as crazy as what some of ya’ll had been through, but Let’s see if this thread can surpass part III!

Subscribed. The tradition of fucked up stories must continue!

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My Crazy Job Trilogy from the old thread
1. Retarded shit
2. Crippled homo
3. Drooling Rapist

Jacob’s Ladder is SICK! I love that track, it took me years to be able to get close to playing that style of Bass…

Thanks for coming on board guys, and please feel free to repost your favorite older stories too. I dont want them to get lost in e-space!

Can these be short (very short?) stories? I hope so. Anyways…
When my friend and I were 13, we toured Europe with People to People, going to France, Italy, and Greece. While in Italy, we visited Pompeii and climbed to the top of Mount Vesuvius. While at the top, we used our walking sticks to unearth a boulder and set it tumbling down the side of the volcano, causing a medium sized avalanche, taking out a lot of trees, etc. So yeah, I think it’s pretty exciting that I’ve started an avalanche on a volcano. :smiley:

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One of these days, I’ll have to post about when I almost got killed by the Russian Mafia.

This one doesn’t feature nearly such an egregious moral collapse on my part:

(involves sneaking into a movie theatre past closing)

I was still in college and I got a call from an old highschool friend, dude’s name is Josh and he was basically the ‘Stifler’ of our school. He invites me out to see a movie that friday with some friends, says it’s showing at 1:00 am, no big deal, I show up and see him out front with no cars. He tells me to park behind the theatre and just come in through the back, which I comply with. Turns out he has a friend who works there, the last showing is at ten or so, and about once a month they throw a party there after closing.

So the crowd is myself, Josh, Josh.b (the dude who actually works there), Ryan, three girls I don’t remember the names of, and one other girl named “Bailey”. I’m already feeling Bailey, she’s tall, and thin but still has an ass and hips, which is pretty excellent imo. We’re all talking and standing around in the lobby, when Josh.b opens up his backpack and takes out a bunch of bottles of everclear and whatever else you can think of.

He straight up walks to the concession stand and tells us to go wild. So we’re there, pouring everclear INSIDE the slushie machine, loading up on candy, soda, spiked sprite, etc, etc. Felt good man, meanwhile I’m talking to Bailey, she’s actually pretty cool and she’s oddly into me. We’re all drinking spiked slushee and pushing each other around the lobby and down the handicapped ramps in chairs and cleaning supply carts, generally acting like fools for a good hour or so before Ryan comes up and decides to start playing cockblock.

Like, he’ll physically grab her hand and try to take her away, tell her they have to talk outside, etc. Just silly shit. He starts trying to not so subtly put me down in front of her, talking about his punk band, how he’s really ‘in to being a vegan’, typical peacock/douche behaviour. She’s not really feeling it and is showing a bit of distress, but what can I really do. This isn’t the time for any ‘keeping it real’ moments imo. I’m having too good of a time.

Around 2:30 am or so we actually watch the movie, we’re watching death race (the statham one) on the biggest screen, less than ten people, max volume, hooting, hollering and bullshitting the whole time. Everyone’s cracking on the corny parts, having a good time, and I’m sitting with Bailey and she has her knees in my lap and her head on my shoulder. Perfect adorable little moment, I forget the reason, but I had to get up for something (probably to piss or get more to drink) and when I come back, Ryan is sitting in my seat, trying to chat Bailey up again, and he’s refusing to move. I’m a fairly nice guy, but this shit is ridic, I physically lift him out of the seat (because he’s a scrawny punk type) and he’s fussing and bitching at me. Just terrible awkward shit.

We finish the movie after that with the mood noticeably less playful, Ryan having left that theatre and begun walking around shouting and hitting the walls (wtf???). It’s pretty late when we’re done and we all start cleaning shit up, throwing out all the candy, sweeping up all the garbage, just pitching in to show our thanks for the incredible risk Josh. B took for us all, and Ryan shows up again, whinging at me.

Saying I’m a bitch and that I can’t handle having ‘to fight for Bailey’. This is just terrible, it’s turning her off, it’s turning me off, and I’m starting to look like a punk with this kid saying nonstop garbage and me just standing there. He eventually tries to escalate the situation again by pushing me when I’m walking down the stairs into the lobby (like 2 or 3) steps, I do this huge jerky stomp down onto the floor to get my balance back and this just makes me fucking furious.

I walk back to him and punch him right in the chest, like*** I felt his sternum***. He goes flying, it’s not even really a contest simply because I’m so much bigger than he is and it’s a terrible scene. Two of the other girls are looking at me like I’m a monster and Ryan is on the floor genuinely shocked. He’s like crying and snotting and asking me ‘why would you do that???’ in this genuinely horrified tone of voice. Everyone else was pretty understanding because I guess they’d been paying attention that night, but still, it certainly didn’t feel like a victory to me.

I say goodbye to everyone, walk back to Ryan who is sitting down on a bench and just roll my eyes at him and he’s still making this incredulous face at me, got in my car and wound up meeting my mother of all people for an early coffee breakfast at a local bakery/cafe. I got Bailey’s number but the fatal K.O here is that she wound up leaving for college about two weeks later, I never even got to beat.

rcaido’s second story had me in tears :lol:

My crazy story isnt really that crazy. But I was at a friend’s 21st birthday and it was a good friend from elementry/middle/high school, and all of my old friends were there. Then I saw this girl I used to like and I decided to talk to her. I had a thing for her in high school and she is a good friendso I was trying to get with her. Then this random dude, pretty fat and loud as fuck came up to her and says “hey baby girl, whats going on?” She kept saying “no thanks” and “sorry im not interested” then out of no where,he decided to just grab her wrist and yell “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” That shit just put the party on complete stop.

Everyone was looking at him and he looked like he was gonna have a nigga moment. All the girls were in shock and all the guys were just frozen for some reason. He tried to drag her away but she kept fighting back until her hand broke free. He tried to grab her again. Then out of pure rage and not wanting anything bad to happen to her, I grabbed the dudes shoulder and turned him around, grabbed the collar of his shirt and proceeded to just throw right hand after right hand after right hand to his face. He fell after the 3rd one and was bleeding like crazy from the nose. He tried to grab my leg but all the guys grabbed him and literally threw him out of the house and 3 of them even made sure that fool left.

The girl i liked was literally scared out of her mind and all of her friends were trying to make her feel better. It ruined the party and everyones mood. At the end, I got a bunch of hugs and thank yous and high fives from everyone. I didnt even care if i didnt get a chance to get with her, i was more worried about her safety then anything else.


The last two stories remind me of one i posted in the last incanation of this thread.


Years ago i worked as a Manager for a French cinema chain called UGC.

This particular site had an alleyway which led off the main road to the back of the cinema in which drunks, addicts, troubled kids and homeless people usually hung out in.

So. Its friday night about 22.30 an im out front having a cigarette, perving at all the semi-clad women who have had too much to drink and are generally making tits of themselves. I then see the Showstopper (no not Shawn Michaels) a proper trim Onion Booty carrying, short micro-skirt wearing girl with legs up to her ears. She was on her own too…

Im like, damn shes hot!

I nearly didnt notice the group of 5 guys walking a little way behind her.

So anyway she takes a turn off the road and walks down the alleyway to the back of my cinema. I didnt think anything of this, as most people just used it to piss in. There was little light and no CCTV, and so very little chance of getting caught.

It was then that i noticed one of the 5 guys veer off from his group and follow behind her down the alley. At this point my hero senses are tingling as i can just smell trouble. Georgeous tipsy girl with minimal clothes + random loud drunk bloke + dark alleyway cant = anything else.

I waited for a moment…

Then i heard the scream…

I flew around the corner as fast as i could and was shocked at what i saw.

She had her back against the brick wall with her micro-skirt hoisted up around her waist and was shouting ‘Fuck you, you cunt’, ‘bastard’ and other obscenities at the top of her voice. He had one of her legs hoisted up, his trousers around his ankles, a hand around her throat and was pumping away like his life depended on it.

I was too late… … or was i?

I leaped to her rescue and pulled the guy off. I threw a solid right to his nose and watched him crumble with his dick in the dirt, he was drunk anyway so he went down easy. I even put another kick in for good measure before i turned to see if the distressed damsel was ok.

Her: WTF have you done? (her dripping phlange still hanging out)
Him: Groan…
Me: Just stopped a rape, are you ok? Want me to call anyone?
Him: My nose…
Her: (as she rushes to him) You stupid cunt, that was my husband!
Me: Oh, shit…

Thankfully, after a lot of explaining, they could understand my mistake and didnt want to take it further. Afterall, how was i to know that they were just acting out his fantasy?

I did, however, have to sweeten them with a years worth of cinema tickets…

Next time i think ill walk the other way.


On another note, i’m working on a bit of a saga atm. This means that i’ll have to repost certain stories from CST III so that everyone is up to date and knows who the characters involved are.

Subscribing to read stories.

Count me out this time, homeys

Oh, that’s a little dissapointing, Stuc. I guess things are just normal for you now, huh?

Still, it’s good of you to show some support for the new thread. I guess we’ll just have to wait for a new master poster to emerge.

Yeah I’m kinda dissapointed Stuckey’s retiring…wanted to hear more about Jermaine :rofl:

At least tell us if he’s banned from that other mall, haha.

Yeah, I just don’t really live like that anymore. Should anything happen despite me trying to avoid it, I’ll let yall know.

And Jermaine isn’t banned from the new mall. He’s still doing the same shit though. Still blabbering about Moments and giving random whores my number. He put out a new movie recently. Maybe I’ll watch it and fill yall in on it