no bullshit…more like a freak lucky occurence. I get paid to go to college, and im not supposed to work while i do this. I decided to work instead. Man, I’m awake, and still drunk 
but yeah, not a crazy story, but more of a feel good story.
I talked to a buddy of mine, and apparantly there’s some video of the event. I’ll get crackin’ on that
apparantly I sang “we are the champions” while walking away triumphantly
i seem to you remember saying you don’t use condoms because you sleep with clean girls…???
In 2007, me and Pablo attended Evo for the first time.
A lot of it is a drunken haze, but there are a couple of experiences that stand out. The one that this story is about is a chance encounter that set in motion a chain of events that made the entire trip worth it: On our first night there, a skinny 5 ft tall Bengali kid was looking at Pablo’s joystick (no homo) and asked us: “Are you here for Evo?”
And what do you know, its Orochi fucking Zoolander. My eyes light up in excitement, and I shake his hand. Here was a guy who had an obnoxious online persona who posted long run on sentences with little punctuation, and I was shaking his hand in person. It was AMAZING!
I’ll be the first to admit, Orochi Zoolander was fucking annoying as hell. That was to be expected, given his post history on SRK. However, he has grown on me and Pablo over the years, and kicking it with him is one of the highlights every year I go to Evo. And I always have his back, like in 2009 when he was rooming with Weeks and he hadn’t eaten or slept in days because he was too busy training. Well he basically collapsed, and spent the last night of Evo shivering violently in his bed. Well, I made sure to keep him well hydrated and checked up on him every few minutes, while everyone else was smoking pot and playing ST. But I digress. This is about 2007.
After getting Orochi Zoolander’s number, Pablo and I head back to our room where we find like 20 other dudes already there. Our other roommate had invited some famous jap players over, and naturally, everybody wanted a piece of the action. Orochi Zoolander comes over anyway with him roomate, The Epidemic, even though we told them it was crowded as fuck. The Epidemic is really cool, its just too bad he only attended this one Evo. Me him and Mixah would later rampage throughout the various rooms at the hotel, drunk as hell, and people would clear out in fear, abandoning their practice sessions of 3rd strike (we did em a favor, cause that game is garbage). But I digress again.
After a while, a small group of us decide its way too fucking crowded in our room, so we head out to grab some booze and start walking toward the closest grocery store. Keep in mind we’re not on the strip, so its a long walk in unfamiliar territory. If I remember correctly ,its me, Pablo, XTG (who I watched body some Jap Guile player at evo with his beastly gief), and Orochi Zoolander.
Orochi, who looks like he’s 10 years old, claims he’s 18. His driver’s license looked legit. At any rate, he was underage, so we ask him what he wants. He asks for some beer. As I pick one out for him, he asks me “what chaser goes good with that beer”. We all just kinda stare at each other 
and I explain to him that you don’t chase beer.
As we head back, we end up getting lost. Its not like the Strip where everything is in a straight line. Nope, somewhere along the way, we missed our turn. Its 5 AM, and the supplies we purchased are getting mighty heavy. I lighten my load by slamming some of my jack daniels.
Meanwhile Orochi Zoolander is regaling us the whole time with these gems:
“Street fighter isn’t anime”
“Motoki is a NIGGA!” (keep in mind he’s 5 ft tall and looks like he’s 10 years old). To which Epidemic asked "What does that even mean?"
and which Orochi responds: “You know… he’s a NIGGA!”
“Alex Valle/Afro Legends/insert any famous ST player here isn’t that good, my friend beat him online. I think I could take them.” (to be fair, Orochi is pretty damn good at ST now)
Ok, so fast forward a few days. Our group gets pretty big. Guys like Valaris, Dios X, Pyscho Gorath, Mixah and others join us, and we party down hard, including a failed trip to the strip club where I FAIL miserably trying to proposition a stripper for sex (it would not be until years later that I finally convince a stripper to become a prostitute), some guy NOT in our group gets pepper sprayed, and one of our other party members stayed in the champagne room until 7 AM. Throughout the entire time we are partying, Orochi Zoolander keeps making annoying scrub comments about Valle isn’t that impressive. So I hatch a devious plot to get this guy really hammered. I mean, if he needs to chase beer, its obvious he doesn’t drink much, and would be unable to handle his alcohol.
So on Saturday night, I buy shitloads of booze and challenge him to a drinking contest. In the ballroom. Because back then, you could just walk around in the Evo main convention area with booze and not get in trouble. So here I am, taunting Orochi. He is hesitant; I don’t think he’s ever taken a shot before. So I taunt him with “YO DAWG, I HEARD YOU COULD FUCK UP VALLE. DONT TURN BITCH ON ME NOW”
I tell him since I weigh way more than him, I’d take two shots for his one. I down two in front of him right there without blinking. He finally takes his first one, and he is choking and gasping for air.
“YO CHASE IT WITH THIS BEER!”
and he does. And I know that he is gonna get RUINED. And we all do and its one big happy family. Except Valaris, cause he doesn’t drink.
The first sign that Orochi had too much to drink was when he is talking about third strike. He shouts out “RED PARRY INTO RAGING DEMON!” and leaps on top of Phae’s back. They eventually manage to pry him off of her. We all have a good laugh about it.
The rest of that night is a blur, but I knew the party was over when Epidemic pulled me aside and told me Orochi Zoolander was now huddled outside the ballroom, curled up into the fetal position, covered in his own vomit. We’re good guys, so me and Epidemic clean him off and carry him back to the hotel room. Now imagine this scene. A black dude and asian dude carry what appears to be an intoxicated 10 year old boy, covered in his own vomit, back to our room. And yet nobody stopped us. Vegas. Go figure.
The final day at Evo we all got drunk again, but this time Orochi handled his liquor like a champ. And these good times are why Orochi Zoolander is one of my favorite posters on SRK.
so i watched Throwdown with Bobby Flay this week at a friend’s house. it was excellent. MELVIN gained like a hundred pounds and he’s going bald. i couldn’t find the episode online yet but here’s an article on him 
Wow.
Lol.
That is beyond awesome.
That’s like “awesome” stepped straight out of the dictionary, marched over to the thesaurus, yanked all of its synonyms up out of there, brought 'em all to this thread, pointed at your post and said, “See? Do you see this shit? THIS is what we’re supposed to be. We gotta step our shit up!”
As I see it.
ahhhhh hahahahaha that Evo story destroyed me Fishjie.
This is why I wanna go to Evo so badly. I was too busy last year, and this year I’m recovering from the fire (still gonna hope for a miracle, but I doubt it’s gonna happen). Next year, I gotta go though. I don’t care if I go 0-2, I just wanna chill with you boys and show you how a man handles his liquor.
For sure, they better have Canadian Championships in Toronto this year, and most of you fuck-o’s better show up
Last year, sometime between August and September, inside a motel room#35.
B4 I entered the motel room I took off my shoes, made sure that no dirt or any other foreign particles leave a trail of the location I had been at. I held my shoes on my left hand and closed the door w/ the right. I remember looking at my shoes and laughing, I don’t remember xactly why but it must have been due to me buying new shoes for the event that was going to go down 2day. It’s as if some kind of premeditated force had me buy these shoes weeks ago just for today, just a strange melancholic feeling. I put my shoes down and got my bag from the closet. Inside was everyfin i needed and all had it’s purpose, alike to the shoes all of this had been planned for a while and had to go exactly as planned, no exceptions. I knew what I was going to wear, what was going to rest on my skin, what products I was going to use to clean myself up, etc. From shirt to pants, bracelets to earring, to shampoo and wax all was planned exactly the way I wanted it. Looking at the contents of the bag as I layed it out on the bed, I laughed out loud, I was just thinking of how men overreact about ‘man purses’, just wondering about some crap as time flew by. All said and done I went and started the bath.
While taking a shower, I relaxed both my body and mind to prepare what was coming. I decided to close my eyes and hypnotize myself to feel good, dot about fields of green, an endless field of irish green not far from Dublin, many rolling hills and lots of empty space, all surrounded by weak gusts of wind, always blowing, always cool to the touch. I would be wearing my weekend dress and just feel the wind beneath my naked feet. Just closing my eyes, sleeping…
I woke up and realized I had dozed off and snored while showering. Idk how I got from standing to laying down holding the podium bar but wtvr, I turned off the shower faucet and as I opened the curtains, I screamed "AAagghh!"
I had stopped myself from stepping on the floor, almost got my foot on the white marble. My plan consisted of using the sponges I had placed around the area so no footprints would be left, also so I wouldn’t wet the place.
I finish up and start dressing. First underwear and pants, jean type, then a white T and a button up T-shirt. Nxt I put on a pair of nurse shoes and no, it’s none of your business how I acquired them (I’ll explain sum oder time). I used the shoes to finish cleaning around and have everything I needed. Once done it was the cosmetics turn, some nail clipping, deodorant, facial hair etc, finally my hair. Now, it had been quite sum time since I had used wax, when I bought it it instantly reminded me of old school days and long summer days, quite nostalgic. My hair took a while but got it done just in time as the sun was starting to set. I went by the bed and took out a plastic-wrapped object from the vent, it was in the shape of those cheap sandwhiches I saw some workers eat by my job. I gently let the contents fall onto the bed after carefully unwrapping, a m1911 semi-automatic and a small container of prescription pills.
I go into the bag and get my worker gloves (by the end i had no money, spend on other projects and the gun, screw you! Lol) to begin a ‘safety’ inspect. I checked if the barrel was loaded, any visible fingerprints, safety working etc. I went to another side of the bed and got another plastic-wrapped object, when unwrapped it held a clip and a happy face pin, (Fink The Watchmen, movie or comic) I smiled at the clip and laughed at the pin (inside joke gentlemen). I load the chamber into the bullet and put the clip inside, I put the gun close to my ear just to hear that sound, that ‘click’ when it’s all loaded and rdy, just a very interesting sound, alike to the rooster cawing in the morning. A rooster ranting at dawn for the coming sun is as interesting as a click of a loaded gun rdy to kill sum1. Huh… (Wow, I didn’t even try to rhyme, death’s poet!) Well neways, after I put the gun on the bed, I get the prescription container and shake it. I know it’s full to the brim but I left just enough space so I could hear that sweet jingle. I open it and see all the pills, I’m left wondering which one is the cyanide pill, no thx to me painting it the exact color as the other sleeping pills nor tainting them w/ rat poison, courtesy of my best friend’s brother (he didn’t know, he nv checks his tanks anyways). I put the pills away and get rdy for the evening.
I close the curtains but leave them open just enough for the sun’s rays to penetrate the wall I will be sitting by, the gun and pill container on the floor by it. I put my shoes on but b4 that I of course cleaned up anyfing that needed cleaning up. All dings that needed to go to my bag went there, any ‘garbage’ I had collected and put in a plastic bag, left outside for the cleaning lady to collect. My bag went to the closet, my paper note by the nightstand. I sat down at the wall and leaned back, trying to make myself comfortable. I saw the gun held by my red bandanna, oh how it brought back years of yore, I picked up the gun and held it w/ both hands. I remember how my best friend F had told me countless times back then that my hands would sweat protrusively onto his controllers, it made me smile. 1 ding I was sure off is that I didn’t sweat, idk if it was becuz I was soo relaxed or becuz of the cold metal grip of the gun (I had left it inside the AC since early morning) (Ok, 2 btr explain, I put it inside the AC air vent by the bed so if sum1 came by I did not xpect I would be ok). Wtvr it was, I stopped caring for it. I put the muzzle of the gun by my neck and came the long hour of decisiveness. (wasn’t an hour… I fink) I immediatly put the gun away, it was cold to the touch, alike to a cold hand on ur warm back, although it sumtimes feels good, I tried to make myself believe it felt good and continued.
4 sum reason I hadn’t given much dot about how I was going to ‘do’ myself in, I guess I dot I already knew (far from it, an idea is far from a resolution). My choices were my eyes, my neck, and my mouth. Quickly I went against the neck (if I survived, soo much fun living w/ tubes going down my throat, not to mention the pain and drugs always involved, oh and the 1st 5 mins of losing blood are going to be swell!), for the eyes I needed a shot that went all the way to the prefrontal cortex (that’s the part that controls my heart… Right? My anatomy teach would be soo angry right now) but ltr decided against it, I was wearing my glasses (645$ glasses and u wanna shot through them? Wtf?! Hell nah! I did not spend that much money to look good just to have it shot at!) and I wanted a blood splatter imprint on them, would be cool to me, or the person watching me… If he was like me. In the end, my shot was from the mouth up, hitting vital motor systems and surgery would be hardest to try to stay alive, etc. (putting gun inside roof of mouth, shooting up at frontal cortex, maybe… AGH! IDR!) I kinda laughed at all this, seemed like a game, was starting to not enjoy it, but make ‘fun’ of the plan. Once I realized this, I made myself serious, but then I got annoyed at the fact thatI was using a gun, that I was weak, that i was going to become another ‘state’ statistic of suicide by gun. Why couldn’t I use my fists and pummel myself till… Yeah no, y not banging my head on a brick wall!? I heard a man did that 4 an hour till he got a migraine soo bad he passed out, neighbor heard commotion and called 911, idk what happened nxt. I did not want to feel weak-kneed, to pull a chicken, another situation alike to New Year’s. I was pissed off and knew why but at the same time didn’t, so annoyed, angry that if I didn’t do this I would face the same hogwash, the same bullshit I spend everyday, hurting ppl, being alone, nothing 4 me, alienating, pushing away, just hurt all the time, always, always alon- -“ENOUGH!~”
-I said and put the gun in my mouth, shoved it all the way to the back and surprisingly, it hurt. A lot.
Amazingly I did not pull the trigger, instead I threw up a gun (literally it had gone that far back) and coughed and sneared and cursed, all in my head since I was coughing blood, spitting blood, mucus, saliva, and wtvr else.
I layed there, on the dirty carpet that I had tried so viciously to keep clean, (it had hairs on it, ewww) it had hairs for God sakes’. I then heard a voice, a voice that wasn’t mine, a voice I couldn’t control.
“U know, you could just give me the choice, didn’t you want to sleep? Huh?”
That voice is one of the reasons I had tried to kill myself, no, the largest reason. I was soo alone I was resorting to this? Ah hell…
I woke up ltr (didn’t rlly sleep, more like rested from a traumatic event, all of u who understand, understand… Yeah) and it was nighttime. I went to my bag ignoring the ‘dirty’ floor I had caused and turned on my cell. I saw sum1 had left a voice msg and I accidently clicked it, it began calling. “Oh SHit!” I hanged up, patted myself on the back for such a small accomplishment.
I went to the bathroom and checked myself, had torn some of the roof of the mouth, (where the blood came from) and sum of my teeth had chipped from the force…
Great, more money to waste. Maybe I should have been part of society by committing it’s suicide statistic. (Part of society huh?)
Now this part, is strange. (Yeah like any of this wasn’t?) (Shut up) (WTF!? Who are u?!)
I went to the bed to check the cell 4 sumding. All of a sudden I do instantaneous movement, as if sum1 else took over for a few secs (1-3). I call F. “AAggh!” I hang up. Again all is well, till the jingle. I immediatly pick up (that’s not my arm!"):
“Y-ye-yueeuah?” - Me (sounding like I’m autistic)
“Hey, you called me?” - F (he called, so why he being a bitch?)
“Ahhuhum” - (Ahum but… U know)
“So what’s up?” (he seems to be doing sumding, always seems distracted)
“Nout moulch, eeaa” - (not much yeah)
“What?” (he can hear, he just likes ppl to be more forthcoming… asshole)
“I’ma duuing stchuff” (I’m doing suff)
“What stuff?” (Lol he understands, well be best f since middle school)
“U knoouw, stufch”
“Likee?” (just an ass… U ASS!)
“VIDEO GAMES~U” (that 1 made me sound jap, well I know it but… Yeah, da moment)
"Ohh, ok, call me when ur off them then, bye-
"Noo-wai-(Hang up) ASSHOoLEEe!
End
Well, if you liked that, then you would have liked the original.
That was a rewrite. Thx to the awesomeness that is forums, it thought I had lagged out due to non-use (I was typing) and had to re-log in. Well, that made me have to refresh the entire page and…
WUSSA!h
All of it, gone. Almost made me wanna find my gun and kill myself… Almost.
Well, putting aside mourning my punishment was to work my ass off to my best ability to remember the painful details (again), sumhow keep it fresh (again), and keep myself from falling sleep at the boredom that is typing sumding over (again) (oops wait, scratch that surface, yeah).
At least I fink the orig was btr.
Oh and to those of you that are puzzled as to what happened next;
I activated plan C.
Plan B dealt w/ me saying sumding random (fink turret’s syndrome), gulping a few pills, going to the b-room for sum tap water, repeat till I overdose or eventually I hit jackpot w/ cyanide. It was more of a ritual in case I got weak at the knees, chickened out, did a Naruto on ep 4? Bibiri kun?
And it would have worked… Had I remembered.
I also tried to smell the cyanide but failed, 4got to retype that part. =/
Oh yeah! Plan C, plan C…
Plan C was me going home and finkin what to do 4 a plan C.
End
uh…
wat
^:rofl: Same thought here. I saw the bottom post and was like, the fuck? is this a spambot?
Then I scrolled up and saw a bible worth of text. Maybe later.
I like fake stories with bad spelling and grammar.
every rose has a thorn…
my eyes hurt
love that avatar.
wolverine from the top rope
I had to have Kaz make it for me after I saw the picture. I was dying
that entire website I posted is full of pics that are full of win
I’m still waiting for somebody in Cali to book them for a party/funeral
The 90’s, South America, between 3-4 yrs old, Mi________ Parque.
My mother and I usually went through the park (as a shortcut) to get to the bank, usually she would thraw out (idk if that’s right, withdraw or… Idk) about enough money for a month which would come to about 600 pesos (bak den that would be around… De conversion was about 3.76 - 5.86 per peso nacional to a $1 dollar, so u do the math, tired)
Neways 4 sum reason that I still do not know she decided to withdraw earlier than usual. She had called my father about this and he agreed to put sum money on her account etc, he did grumble thou about her spending on non-necessities but wtvr, I do not remember nor do I care to rm about a woman’s spending, even if it was 4 little old me. So on a bright sunny day she held my hand out of our apartment complex and on we marched to the bank, happy and carefree. I remember that I wore shorts and some t-shirt (my mother loved me in kid clothing, nv anyfing that made me seem too adult or serious, have too many fotos as proof) and a pair of those shoes that are open-toed, idk what dey r called. My mom wore one of her weekend dresses and how I know this? My mom was kind of a hoarder, well a fashion hoarder. She had a ‘6th’ sense on when some old fashion was coming bak and she had (bak in de day) a closet full of 50’s, 60’s, 70’s (u get the idea…) worth of clothing. Most of the family thought dat she was a bit nutty as u americans might say, I always thought that she was original/awesome for doing sumding she loved and well, maybe im just saying that cuz im her son, idk.
Neways back on track, I wanted to eat sumwere cuz I was hungry, so I told her that and I kept kinda reminding her all the way to the bank. She kept telling me “Ya hijo ya”, “Ya estamos ayi”, etc etc, what moms do just to make the kid be quiet.
Well 4 sum reason (maybe my chanting of food?) we skipped the park, sumding we nv did becuz 1. She was a fan of nature and the park had a grand rose garden and other non-native plants (it was a nacional garden so the state did it’s best, plus it was the capitol of the country so yeah, thumbs up!) that she liked &-
2. She would let me run around and be free 4 a while so I could get tired and go to sleep faster after we went back home (y are mothers so controlling? Lol) + there was a big park and oder kids so I could make friends etc.
So again, 4 sum reason i still do not know 2day, we skipped the park that was a shortcut to the bank and headed the long way. 2 me I was having fun, I hadn’t been 2 dis part of town and I liked looking at all the non-native franchises (McDonald’s, Dominoes, etc, KFC & Pizza Hut were my fav back then, now only Pizza Hut).
I remember that we were about 9-12? blocks to go (my memory isn’t that great, but the path to the bank was pretty linear and so were de streets, designed 4 foreigners to make it easy to navigate… Yeah, clear sight down the road) to reach the bank and it wasn’t hard to miss even w/ all the buildings and skyscrapers, it was a nacional bank and it was made of either yellow brick or marble, i do not remember, but very much an eye opener.
Now this part, pretty much seems kinda blacked out. I remember looking at the street, then my mother, then all of a sudden, something black and she was not there, kinda liked I closed my eyes and held it for a few seconds and poof! She was gone. I also noticed a lot of ppl running away from the direction of the bank, screaming and calling for help. 2 dis day I cannot remember anyfing that they said, it was soo loud and confusing, sirens, police sirens, cars honking, ppl screaming, just like if sum1 was watching a movie and turned the volume wayyy high. I wasn’t scared, I just stood my ground and saw everyfing, and then I saw way down the blocks, toward the bank. All I remember is a lot of smoke and rubble, for some reason no yellow, just bricks and I fink some metal. Then out of nowhere I am grabbed and I kinda yelped, it was my mom grabbing me and running for dear life. I still remember her (yeah her but nofing else? Momma’s boy) saying the words she said, a phrase that still lingers w/ me today;
“Angel de la Guardia, protejeme a mi y mi hijo mio de todo maldad, Angel Angel de la Guardia, sees my salvaguarda y iluminame, protegenos de todo mal.”
And she repeated this over and over again till we got back home to the apartment, I fell asleep of course, was feeling tired and all.
Over the course of the next days a lot of phone calls were made between my mom and dad, I didn’t really listen in, just watched cartoons and played w/ my toys. Of course nowdays I know what happened.
A communist left-winged (idk why they were left winged, ask them) terrorist group had stuck a bomb inside the Bank Building and had blown it up some time in the afternoon when most people were cashing in checks or wtvr. Apparenly they were trying to send some msg to the government about taxes against the peasants or wtvr, all I truly know is that had we taken the shortcut and been at the bank on time instead of late and nv at all, my father would have become a bigger drunk than he was then. I rlly do wonder thou wat made her not go there in the first place, just curiosity, u know?
Those memories kinda stuck to me but quickly faded away,it resurfaced on the way to middle school when terrorism became a huge thing, the memories kinda came back and somewhat in a nostalgic way. I also fink it’s one of the reasons I became involved w/ explosions, y I became so attached to them and stuff. Maybe.
End
4got to translate the chant she did, if any1 is curious:
"Angel de la Guardia, protejeme a mi y mi hijo mio de todo maldad, Angel Angel de la
Guardia, sees my salvaguarda y iluminame, protegenos de todo mal."
Sounds a lot cooler in spanish, well spanish from the country I’m from neways, not a fan of spaniards, yeah.
I don’t remember some of evo07 but I’m sure every word of this post is true except I’m 5,5. It was only 4 years ago yet I feel like how an 80 year old man feels when he talks about the dumb shit he did at 21. Looking back I was really stupid and surprised I could change so much in 4 short years.
wat?