Who’s there?
I eat mop.
ftfy
Well that works too.
Q: What do you call a Chinese secretary?
A: Tai Ping
Two antennas meet and fall in love. The wedding was alright…but the reception was incredible!! 
Q: Why can’t you ever trust an atom?
A: Because they make up everything.
TAI PING LMFAOFAOFAOFAO
Why did the hipsters coffee burn his mouth?
Spoiler
Because he drank it before it was cool. 
I’m too lazy to check which jokes I’ve said.
3 knights were walking through the forest. They come across a bridge. As they crossed the bridge, they got ambushed and knocked unconscious by a giant troll. When they awoke, he told them, “Obviously I’m stronger and faster than you. I can kill you whenever I want. But if you do as I say, I will let you live. I want you to run into the forest and collect 10 of the same fruit.” So they all scatter to get fruit. The first knight comes back to the troll with 10 apples. The troll says, “Now, I want you to stick these apples up your butt. If you make a face, I’m going to swallow you whole. If you can do all 10 without making a face or noise, then I’ll let you go.” So the knight is shoving these apples up his butt, 1 at a time. By the 4th apple, he yells out in pain. So the troll swallows him. The second knight arrives carrying 10 cherries. So the troll tells him the same thing. He’s doing it with ease. But by the 8th cherry, he starts laughing. Since he laughed and made a face, the troll swallowed him up. In the stomach, the first knight asks, “Hey, why’d you start laughing? You had it easy.” The second knight says, “You know the third guy? I saw him running around with pineapples.”
*dishes
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 cent, plus Nickelback.
I wouldn’t even call this cheesy. This is actually a damn good one. 10/10 would tell at parties.
What’s the difference between Prison and Penn State University?
Spoiler
“In both places your gonna get fucked, but at least prison doesn’t charge you for it”
whats faster than the speed of light?
Spoiler
a jew with a coupon
Why do jews have big noses?
Spoiler
because air is free
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
Spoiler
He had locomotives.
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
Spoiler
Because he was too far out, man.
Did you hear about that new band, 999 Megabytes?
Spoiler
They haven’t gotten a gig yet.
I got a fucking million of these. :bring_it:
What do you call an Irish lady sitting on your front porch? Pattie O’Furniture
What do you call an Irish guy throwing himself at your front door? Rick O’Chet
Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two Jews found the same penny.
An egg and a piece of toast walk into a bar the bartender says get out we dont serve breakfast here
A man enters the confessional at his church.
“I come not for forgiveness father, but for advice.”
“Very well. What is on your mind, my child?”
“Well, father, I’m 48 years old. If I told you that in my 48 years on this earth I’ve only painted one house, would you call me Robert the Painter?”
“Well, no, probably not.” replied the priest.
“And father, if I told you that in my 48 years on this earth I’ve only caught one fish, would you call me Robert the Fisherman?”
“No, I suppose I wouldn’t.” replied the priest.
“And father, if I told you that in my 48 years on this earth I’ve only shot one duck, would you call me Robert the Hunter?”
“No, I wouldn’t.” said the priest.
“Then father, could you please tell me why, if you only fuck one goat…”