First post ever…or in a while, just for that one. Best in thread.
Where does a pig astronaut travel to?
SNOUTERSPACE.
What’s a pig baseball player’s favorite position.
SNOUTFIELDER.
What’s a pig’s favorite dance?
HAMMER TIME.
What’s a pig’s favorite Shakespeare play?
I dunno, depends on the pig’s opinion, I guess.
probably not the first person to put these two together but it popped into my mind while looking at some youtube vids:
what’s bill o’reilly’s favorite pitch?
the knuckleball
I heard this from a friend at school today:
What happens when you have too much phone sex?
You get hearing AIDS.
I’ve posted this one a while back, but I’m going to say it again because it’s that good.
How do you turn soup gold?
You put in twenty four CARROTS!
do not get
How do you make an Idiot Laugh on Sunday?
Answer
Tell him a Joke on Monday!
ok lets hope i say this right and dont screw it up, i read this off of someones text message.
2 guys and a girl decide to go on a boat trip, while on the boat trip the boat fucks up and they get stranded on a deserted island. since theres nothing to do the on the island, the decide to just fuck to pass the time. girl would fuck the 2 guys sometimes together or one at a time. finally the girl becomes disgusted at her self for what shes been doing so she decides to kill herself. the 2 guys still stay on the island for a while but as time went by they started doing things that should be done. something that is very very looked down upon. finally after a couple years they decided to bury the body…
get it? yes? no? man i probably messed it up :sad:
Necrophilia. It’s very obvious, you didn’t mess it up.
i heard this when i watched “the pursuit of happyness” earlier today. this is the last joke the kid told will smith. :lol:
The meat of this joke lies in the misdirection. You kinda gave away the ending with your obvious storytelling. You gotta set it up to make the audience think that the 2 guys went gay for each other. The burial at the end is the twist that gives the audience pause before the eruption of laughter/groaning.
The way my friend did it was like this:
“With 2 guys and only one girl on the island, you know…things happen. One thing leads to another, and yep, you guessed it, (describe sex acts here)”
and after you’ve established that the girl died,
“So the 2 guys were like ‘DAMN! What do we do now???’ and then they look at each other. You know, 2 guys all alone on an island, one thing leads to another, and yeah…” at this point, you don’t say anything and let the audience draw the conclusion you’ve lead them to (gay sex)
then, after addressing the guys’ guilt over their acts, you set up the twist! hope that helps :woot:
alright so there’s an italian, a german, and a chinese guy stranded on an island. they come up with a plan in a week that the italian will build a boat, the german guy will make a map, and the chinese guy will get the supplies.
a week passes and the italian has made the boat, the german has the map, but the chinese guys is nowhere to be found.
then out of nowhere the chinese man comes out and yells, “SURPLISE!”
Why did the unemployed businessman settle for a job at the pizza parlor?
He kneaded the dough.
Why did he stay working at the pizza place for so long?
The bread was good.
God that was awful.
What did the casket say to the other casket?
“Is that you coffin?”
here’s a really cheesy joke:
what do you call cheese that’s not yours?
nacho cheese.
A cat and a dog were playing poker. Which one won?
The cat won; it he was a cheetah.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms!”
-oh sh*t!
A white guy, asian guy, black guy fall into a chasm. There’s no way out.
But there’s a monster there who does know the way out. He says to them, “Pull out your wangs. If I touch yours with my magma hand and it melts, you’ve got no chance.”
He touches the white guys wang. It melts. He touches the asian guys wang. It melts. He then touches the black guys wang. “What? Your wang didn’t melt!” The monster says. Then the black says, “Chocolate melts in your mouth, not in your hands.”
heres one, not sure if its been said but:
a blind man goes into a furniture store with his eye seeing dog, the employee looks at him and thinks “weird…” then the blind man grabs the dog’s leash and starts spinning the dog around in the air, the employee runs up to him and says “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” the blind guy goes “just looking around…”
hehe…
hahaha that was to good
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink,
the neutron asks “How much?”
the bartender replies “For you? No charge.”
Mmmm, how cheesily delightful. :wonder:
I’ll give it a go too. ahem
What did the UFO catcher say to the stuffed animal?
“I have got to get a grip on you.”