Youtube Reviews
Beyond the Trailer
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Philly D and Steve
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Warning: This post will get really big when you click the spoiler warning.
[details=Spoiler]Part 2 of rant.
“…Father!” Wow, nice expository dialogue right there. Speaking of useless dialogue, here’s another one from our favorite blonde supposedly superwoman: So we see David talking to her while exploring the cave with the camera and all that, and then he cuts her off. So we cut to her and she says: “Son of a bitch…” Then the scene just lingers. And lingers. And we just hold on her face for an uncomfortably long time. Then just as we’re about to get up out of our seats to scream: “Why is this scene still going on?!” she says: “You cut me off.” Hey, no fucking shit lady! Why don’t you go do some more quarter push ups?
This was probably the first of many little things that gradually pulled me out of the movie. When she’s doing push ups at the start of the film, in stead of puking like the rest of the crew, you see her close up, from the front and she’s doing these deep push ups. Then we see her from the side and she’s barely going down a quarter of the way. Then we see her from the front and she’s going deep again. Not a big point, I know, but it adds up.
Actually, no, it’s not really a small point. When we first see her she is set up to be some kind of bad-ass, but how many action scenes does she have? She spends most of the film sitting on her ass, barking orders at people while occasionally burning defenseless ‘scientists’ to death. Then at the end when she dies a comical cartoon death, she’s running like a little girl.
That scene was so dumb, when the ship crashed and it starts to fall over and in your head you just go: “No… Don’t tell me you’re gonna run in a straight line trying to get away from it in stead of going sideways, or at least diagonally?” But they do! Both of them! And that same thing happens twice in a row! Then the only thing that saves Dr.Whatsherface are Buster Keaton antics!
More clichés:
How about that scene where Shaggy and Scooby get introduced to each other? You know, the two first guys to die. “Hi, I’m an awkward Philip Seymour Hoffman look-a-like, you wanna be my friend?” “Fuck off, I’m the crazy lone wild asshole! I’m only in it for the Scooby-snacks!” Never seen that before…
Then when they’re exploring the cave ship thing Scooby takes out his ‘pups’(if I heard that right) and he holws like a wolf, further solidifying his role as ‘the crazy one’. Also note that for a billion dollar investigation, they don’t seem to be very organized. No one else on the away team seems to know what the pups are, or what they do, except for Scooby.
When they find the decapitated Engineer, Scooby’s like: “Fuck this! I only like rocks!” Then he and Shaggy get lost. So he’s deployed his pups, but they only send information to the ship, not to him? Because if they did, he’d have a handy map of the place with him, but he gets lost so I guess they don’t. Also, if he likes rocks so much and he devotes his life to them and is capable enough to be selected for a billion dollar space mission, you’d think he’d have a keen eye for environments, but "it all looks the same to him."
At night the captain sees that one of the pups has located what seems to be a life-form. It could be a glitch, but in a place you know nothing about where you know people were running from something and one guy got his head cut off and got left behind, it might be a good idea to use caution. So in stead of putting someone on watch to monitor this life-form’s movements or whatever, he tells Shag and Scoob about the possible threat and adds something along the lines of: “Sweet dreams”. What an asshole!
So they run away in the opposite direction and end up at that room again, where the guy lost his head. So first of all, this actually gives them another chance to retrace their steps and at least make it to the entrance so they can be picked up immediately after the storm passes in stead of first having to be found. Second of all, this room was where they said “Zoinks!” and fucked off. Why the hell do they go into the room they were so afraid of before?
So even though the captain commands a space ship, he’s actually a down-to-earth guy(zing!); he has a Christmas tree and an accordion. This means that he’s likeable. Also, he supposedly gets to bang Charlize Theron after using one of the most awkward pick-up lines ever. This strategy may actually replace ‘negging’ in the near future.
This whole scene about him getting to dock his ship in her space station or something has no impact on anything else in the movie whatsoever. They don’t even act awkwardly around each other the next day like: “Man, maybe it wasn’t a good idea to have crazy space sex when we’re gonna be together on a relatively small ship for a long space mission.” It seems to just be there to add some light-hearted humor, possibly to show that she’s not a robot, which actually sucks because, as I said earlier, the mystery of her being an android or not may have been an interesting concept.
The bet.
So at the end of the movie, when the captain decides to crash into the Engineer’s ship to stop him from causing a possible new Alien vs Predator movie, we’re introduced to the two guys who made this bet about what kind of mission they’re on. Even though this bet had been brought up several times over the course of the movie, I say we’re introduced to them, because it was never quite clear who these guys were. First time they talk about the bet, they’re just sort of hanging out and looking out the window. The light from outside makes them appear almost completely as silhouettes which doesn’t help. They also manage to blend in seamlessly with the rest of the more forgettable characters.
To have characters place bets on what basically the plot of the movie’s gonna be is kind of a cliché in and of itself, but these guys don’t stop there! They’re also super gung ho about dying with they’re captain for no reason, like we’re suddenly in Independence Day or something. No signs of fear, just pure, unbridled space-patriotism!
Way before all that though, Shaggy and Scooby are dead. Good. They find Shaggy, who has basically been face-hugged, but this goes absolutely nowhere. Nothing bursts out of his chest and after they leave his corpse to go burn that sick guy he is never mentioned again.
Scooby however, just has to show up again, right at the ship’s front door. Or cargo bay or whatever. So he shows off some of his geology skills after all by perfectly estimating the distance at which he has to lay on the ground for the edge of the cargo door to come down right next to him.
By the way: “Hey, this guy has a strange disease which may actually be easily cured, who knows? Burn him!” "Hey, this guy who was thought to be dead is lying in a weird position outside. Hey may be dead and being used as bait, he may be also infected with that weird disease, we just don’t know! Open the biggest door on the ship and go check it out alone and unarmed expendable character!"
So some guy goes outside like a dumbass, looks down at Scooby lying in a weird position on the ground with a weird melted face and then turns his back to say: “Hey, check this out!” Because he’s not one of the ‘scientists’ I’m gonna assume he’s part of the security team. You know, that team that’s supposed to protect a billion dollar mission who instantly back off when someone says they don’t want to have guns around? He must have had some great training.
So Scooby’s a superpowered zombie for absolutely no reason other than to have another dumb action scene. He jumps around and bullets and fire can’t stop him while he’s ripping through the crew with ease. The guards literally say: “Let’s get out of here!” and seem to accidentally run him over. I’m not sure if it happened like this, because this scene is extremely confusing in a bad way. So shooting him in the heart does nothing, until you run him over. Then you can pump him full of lead, burn him, and never speak of him again.
Woman with a comical Scottish accent.
Speaking of people being infected with stuff, what was up with David’s plan of infecting Dr.Imnoscientistreally and to hopefully impregnate the main female lead? I say hopefully, because David had no way of knowing for sure they would have sex that night. In fact all that champagne might have given the guy whiskey-dick. Maybe he slipped some viagra into his glass as well.
If all Weyland was interested in was to meet the Engineers, why was it necessary to go through this whole song and dance to get an alien baby? Then after the main character aborts it and manages to run around the ship even though her abs are just being held together by some staples, David doesn’t give a shit about where the alien baby is and everyone just sort of forgets about it. "Oh hey there young lady, I see you’re not pregnant anymore and you’re covered in blood. Here, cover yourself with my lab coat while I go back to washing this old man’s disgusting feet in close up 3D. Enjoy your popcorn, audience! By the way, were you surprised when you found out that medical machine was for men only? You may think it was because you didn’t know Charlize Theron’s “Father!” was on board, but really it was just to add extra tension to the abortion scene, even if it only stopped you for like, 2 seconds.
I hope you remembered to lock up your little alien bastard by the way. Wouldn’t want one of those running loose on this ship!"
The alien baby does present a great mystery to this movie though: How the fuck did it grow so big?! It was tiny! It was locked inside a room, with no acces to food or water. What, did it drink the IV fluids which might be somewhere inside that operation machine?
Random thoughts at end of rant, running out of steam:
What were those red space suits? They looked pretty cool and you’d think that in what turned out to be just some dumb space action movie the main character would have put that on after the abortion while screaming: “Get away from me, bitches!” Those things were just there to cock-tease the audience, wtf.
What was up with that green, translucent egg thing that douche scientist stumbled upon? That was never mentioned again.
Sorry about the stupid names, but I really can’t remember any of these characters. I really don’t feel like looking them up on IMDb and I certainly don’t want to see this movie a second time.
Forget what I said earlier about this film not deserving to be picked apart, it does. The only reasons it’s getting so much attention seem to be because Ridley Scott’s name is attached to it and its connection to the Alien franchise. If it weren’t for those factors I cannot see how this would ever be seen as a good movie.
Sure, the visuals are nice, but they’re meaningless when the characters are this dumb.
Edited 'cause I remembered more stuff.
So the characters are constantly hypothesizing about the Engineer’s intentions, which is fine, but every theory they come up with, they present as fact. “They were making a weapon to destroy us!” “They changed their minds!” Etc. Now, you can argue that it’s up to the audience to make the final conclusions, but then why not have the characters present their theories as theories? Not as facts. This just makes them look extra dumb.
If they changed their minds for instance, wouldn’t you think they’d have told that Engineer they woke up at the end? Was he on stand-by in case they changed their minds again? Whatever the case, he didn’t look like he got the memo about not killing the humans. So even after seeing that guy’s reaction to humans, where he does the old I’m-gonna-make-it-look-like-I’m-gonna-caress-you-then-suddenly-rip-your-head-off, Stupidgirl still thinks her theory of them changing their minds holds up.
About the Engineers:
First off all, I hated their look. That’s my personal opinion, I know, but I just wasn’t convinced by the CGI. It looked superfake with their smooth skin and stuff, and it’s bad news for me when that’s the first thing you see in the movie.
Then if their DNA and our DNA is identical, literally identical, why do they look totally different? Did I fall asleep during biology class?
Then there’s the head. Why, or how did it blow up? When it blew, there was no black stuff coming out, so apparently that wasn’t it. The guy at the start of the movie turned black, so logically if the head exploded because of the black stuff, black stuff must have come out.
You may say that it’s because they were using some kind of science technique that was designed for humans, but we have identical DNA. If we can successfully test things on rats before testing them on ourselves, you’d think that something with DNA identical to us would be an even better test subject.
An even bigger mystery though, is why was this head exploding phenomenon completely abandoned?[/details]
:u: clicks spoiler
Gonna make a cup of tea and come back to read this
Theron’s character
[details=Spoiler]I still thought she was a robot up until she died, because if you remember David’s viral videos, he pretty much said he could be used as a sex bot.
But robot’s don’t run apparently, and David would have been able to calculate where exactly to go to avoid getting pancaked.[/details]
stuff
[details=Spoiler]Yeh I noticed the suit too, the whole last 10 minutes was so rushed they must of cut a bunch of stuff out. I’m still perplexed how such an advanced being failed to notice the giant squid locked inside the room banging away at the door. Alien was subtle in it’s innuendos, in Prometheus it’s so blatent. Like the squid vs engineer, yep that’s a vagina, those tentacles are the rapists arms, yep you’re gonna get deep throated. And here’s your unwanted child destroying your body.
lol when the machine said only for men, I thought OH SHIT THERON IS A DUDE!!
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After reading your post, the movie does seem like LOST the movie =/
I still enjoyed it
all a dream?
did we watch the same show?
It was either that or some other hamfisted attempt to reconcile loose ends in the show.
Nature doesn’t make straight lines.
Why didn’t the running chicks just, y’know… act natural.
Lost was great for the most part. To me, the show was more about the characters and their journey than the island’s mystery. This movie has the opposite problem, though, in that the characters are terribly written and forgettable.
Hah ha! My friend was yelling “Serpentine!” “Serpentine!” at the two running chicks scene.
Sagat’s lengthy review basically covered most of the plot holes especially the heavy and significant shit that went down that was forgotten or ignored in the very next scene.
This happened a lot in LOST, they would introduce other survivors then kill them off for no apparent reason e.g that couple that had that backstory about diamonds, but then got bitten by spiders which paralysed them, main cast believe they are dead and bury them just as they are waking up.
LOST had 6 seasons to develop characters, so what happens when you give the LOST writer 2hrs to do the same plus include a plot.
You guys are making this movie sound awful! ;_;
Take it from a bruv who hasnt seen any of the OG alien movies before, its a fairly good movie. There are some ??? points, but it was good. I have some slight grief with it, but its minor.
[details=Spoiler] I dont think Charlize’s character was a man. The Medipod was probably for David or Weyland.
Also I hate how they hyped up charlize but it was really rooney who was the main lead.[/details]
Yeah, DIAGONAL was that I was thinking that entire time. Completely unnecessary and illogical. Which can you run faster: 5 miles or 100 yards?
Go watch Alien right now.
Then Aliens soon after. Aliens has some 80s cheese (the little girl who plays the exact same role in the plot as pet cat in the first), but is still excellent.
Well, this bruv right here thought the movie was bad without even beginning to compare it to the previous movies, so I don’t know if that really has anything to do with it.
Movie was horrible
I liked two scenes, the surgery and the ending…
[details=Spoiler] the abortion and the rape scene
bro you sick [/details]
David+dates
Spoiler
I wasn’t paying attention but did they ever show the date of arrival?? I ask because I’m wondering did David lie by saying it’s been two years since leaving Earth. He could have visited the moon then turned the ship around to make it seem like they had just arrived
I don’t think so and I don’t think they did because of you know who showing up later
How is this movie bad? Can somebody please elaborate? It answered two of the most fundamental questions in the aliens series, while setting up a sequel which im not quite sure how they can pull it off. Not only that I enjoyed some of the armchair philosopher questions that where asked in the movie.
My problem with the movie? The ending felt like a the ending of a great TV pilot
Yeah with only two human characters…unless they’re hoping to introduce some engineer characters into it to make up for the lack of a human cast. I dunno, crafting a good sequel looks rough.
Unless they find more human characters when they reach the homeworld. Theres always been talk of alleged alien abductions after all.
Also a shame charlize theron’s character had to go out and so lame at that. Could have survived to add to the sequel, especially since she was 1 out of only 3 good characters in the movie.
Saw the movie last night.
I liked it! First of all, the cinematography and visuals were incredible. Watching a movie is one thing, but actually taking in what you see on the screen is an entirely different matter. Needless to say, Prometheus had me doing the latter. The actors all did a fine job, especially Michael Fassbender as David. As a prequel to the Alien saga, it manages to shed new light on the previous films. If a sequel gets greenlit, I’ll definitely be there.
Oh, and there’s some nice, gory violence as well. Speaking of which, during one particular scene, I actually looked around to confirm if what was happening onscreen was as horrific and uncomfortable as I thought it was. One guy stared at the floor until it was over, obviously unable to handle it; and there was a woman who was tightly curled up in her seat and her eyes wide open! As for me, aside from briefly scanning the other moviegoers for reactions, I couldn’t stop watching.
Anyone who saw the movie knows which part I’m talking about.