Seeing what happened to Samus in Other M reminds me of what happened to Terra in Dissidia. Yes I know what Pandora’s Box I just opened saying that; bring it on.
With that out of the way, now that Samus is one step closer to Peach and more in line with how Nintendo likes their females (i.e., subservient damsels), that means one Nintendo starlet has stepped up and claimed the mantle of most likable, heroic, proactive Nintendo female.
That’s right:
DIXIE KONG
The second Nintendo female of any import to have her own fucking game (Dixie Kong’s Double Trouble, for anyone not keeping score at home), Dixie Kong is now the manliest of Nintendo’s women.
Yeah, Dixie “cries.” Play-cries, only to get up and hair-float her way past obstacles neither DK nor Diddy dare traverse on their own.
Yeah, Dixie wears pink, but she also wears a mother-fucking beret, which as we all know from Mythbusters and that weird intro to Vampire Savior makes you 10x more badass. Plus Kirby’s pink, and he routinely kicks the crap out of Dedede and Meta Knight, all because –
Actually, fuck Dixie, let’s talk about motherfucking Kirby.
Anime notwithstanding, because it’s garbage, Kirby’s a lazy, hungry, slothful motherfucker. And you better not threaten his sedentary lifestyle, because if you do, he will FUCK. YOU. UP.
Look at Meta Knight’s Revenge. Meta Knight tried to make the people of Dream Land work. What does Kirby do? Hypocritically, ironically, and totally badassilly, he boards a Warp Star and attacks the Halberd, Meta Knight’s fucking battleship, head on.
And this shit is like the story of every Kirby game! “One day, Kirby was being a fucking hungry and lazy guy, until something threatened to ruin his laziness/hunger. Then, Kirby gets a cute little angry face and DESTROYS THE ENTIRE ARMY OF WHATEVER POOR SAP HAPPENS TO BE THE ANTAGONIST THIS TIME.”
Man, Kirby’s awesome. It’s too bad Masahiko Sakurai is such a fucking douche. And yeah, I’d tell him that to his face.
Epic Yarn is awesome. It’s too easy <-- that’s its one flaw. And it isn’t because of infinite health either. Lives systems are gay and don’t make games easier or harder.
Back to Dixie. Dixie officially has more testicular fortitude than Samus Aran. No, Dixie doesn’t give a shit what random Fire Emblem princess or whatever happened to seem all heroic: none of them had THEIR OWN FUCKING GAME. Two, actually, if you count Donkey Kong Land 3. And you should. THREE, if you consider the GBA version of DKC3 was a near-remake with new music and a totally new world to explore.
Seriously, Dixie’s the fucking man these days. How sad is that?
If she wasn’t a monkey I’d totally hit and/or fap to that. Yes monkeyhetero.
Dr. B’s Double Trouble involves him fighting an Infinity Gauntlet-powered Galactus and what to make for lunch. The game lasts thirty-six seconds; Dr. B just eats Galactus.