Let’s get this thread going again.
Here’s one which definitely won’t lead into a lame “is / isn’t shitty” bickerfest (seriously, maybe we should start a new thread or rename this one to “Obscure” - I’d be down to create the OP if other people think it’s a good idea / don’t mind).
M.U.S.C.L.E. for the NES. Based on the toys which nobody bought based on the awful cartoon which nobody watched. Or maybe the awful cartoon was based on the toys, who fucking knows.
Really the fighters are all carbon-copies of each other, with an infintely vast and deep movelist consisting of “jump”, “punch”, “jump punch”, “push opponent”, “bounce off ropes and jump punch opponent”, and “backdrop” - seriously, man, VF has nothing on the intense Yomi possibilities here.
What differentiates each character is their special/signature move that you can perform after collecting a flashing ball which is thrown when a fighter reaches 3/5ths life.
So, without further ado:
S Tier: Wars Man. Ridiculous fucking range, ridiculous fucking speed, no arc to worry about. If Wars Man gets the super ball, it’s GGPO.
A Tier: Terry Man. It’s a ground-based dash super, no need to really worry about arcs or anything. Just get lined up horizontally and mash A like a maniac.
B Tier: Buffalo Man. His special has a much better arc than Ramen Man’s, and is even better at runaway. It still requires some grasp of spacing to hit with, but it comes out fast enough to be spammed.
C+ Tier: Blocken. The only projectile special in the game, but it’s far from a Tiger Shot. You only get one shot on the screen at a time, and it travels at a pretty slow rate, and does shit for damage. On the bright side, it seems to be an inescapable lockdown up-close against the turnbuckle, hitting about 3-4 times before Special wears off.
C- Tier: Ramen Man. His special gives him decent runaway skills, but you have to be spaced very precisely to actually land the hit. Pretty fucking useless unless you just want to run away to tag out.
D Tier: M.U.S.C.L.E. Man, Ashura Man, Robin Mask. All three have specials which require you to be facing the opponent’s back. There’s no realistic chance in hell of pulling these off against another human being without grabbing their controller or punching them in the face in real life. Robin Mask’s doesn’t even seem to do that much damage, though I’m not intimately familiar with the way the game engine handles damage so it may well just do normal super damage. Whatever, doesn’t matter, you’ll never land it.
So there you have it. An S tier, an A tier, and a barely-competitive B tier. Everyone else is basically collecting special balls to keep the opponent from getting them, and since the balls are randomly thrown from either the top or bottom of the screen, it’s a 50-50 guessing game, except instead of “win” or “lose” it’s “get owned” or “tie”.
No mirror matches either, so one player is going to end up fucked no matter what. A M.U.S.C.L.E. tourney would be the most tedious thing in the world. Using terms like “lockdown” and “game engine” here is just giving the game a legitmacy it does not fucking deserve. I think I’ve played this game about as much as I can handle. The 1P mode isn’t that bad, if you’re high / really bored / have an old shitty NES and want to play a game where you won’t feel pissed if it suddenly starts flashing, but man, fuck 2P.