Episode 1: Enter the Master and the Pupil!
The glorious master of Ansatsuken’s most revered, deadly techniques succumbed to the weakness of his own human ego. Defeated by Sagat’s crouching fierce punch, Akuma tried to leave Nairobi, Kenya by masking his own energy with the energy of the desert winds, but he still left behind a trail of human blood. Akuma, as powerful as he was, never made a transition to the invincible incarnation of a demon. But he was very well a demon in spirit, which is why this particular hunter set out looking for him.
Clad in red robes, her name was Baby Bonnie “Buletta” Hood. Buletta knew that Akuma’s soul was worth its weight in gold and diamonds, so she would make a profit of it once the Ansatsuken warrior kicked the bucket. But surviving the harsh African environment was difficult. Shamed by the Crouching Fierce’s broken priority, Akuma had chosen not to return to his amusement park island on the Garcia Foundation’s complementary losers’ jet, opting rather to avoid all contact with others and go through harsh meditation in the bitter sands of the Calamari deserts.
This, of course, pissed off Buletta. The few days she estimated this bounty…soul would set her back had turned into weeks. By the seventeenth day, Buletta’s food supply in her massive basket had dissolved into merely a banana and a chicken wing, and she knew that Smith and Wesson, the two giant men living in her basket weren’t going to share their food. Just about ready to give up and die, she stopped walking, defiantly stared at the scorching sun, extended her arms, and let herself collapse on a giant mound of sand. With her last bit of energy remaining, she said “I shouldn’t have gone on foot.” After all, a camel would’ve set her wallet back a little, and she would’ve had to feed it, and the bounties were coming short lately. Buletta’s stingy management of her money killed her in the end.
Or it would have if she had died right there. The giant mound of sand she had plopped herself on was replaced by a cool turf of grass. Grass all around her, and a nice, clear pool behind her. Buletta got up and realized that she had been dragged to an oasis. After further investigation of the area, she found her target meditating besides a palm tree, peacefully emitting a dark glow from his body. Excited, Buletta reached into her dress to pull out her gun…and realized it was not there. Akuma stopped glowing, and turned his head towards the bounty hunter.
Guns are for pussies. Akuma squinted his blood-red eyes into the girls mind, and she nodded her head.
Well, they get the job done, at least. … Hand em over sparky.
Akuma had just gone back to meditating, but bounced right back up.
Sparky? Goddamn…youre a dumb bitch. The comment only managed to piss off Buletta even more. She had the nerve to go up to him and bitch slap his pug face, but once she tried that, she was met by an immediate parry and, while she was briefly disoriented, was counter thrown. Why did you even try?
The girl was dizzy after the throw. Eschewing Akumas destruction for the moment, she was headed towards the oasis’ pool and was surprised to learn that the water…felt a lot like a hard mound of sand. The oasis around Buletta faded away and she was back where she had initially fell exhausted. Akuma rose and offered the girl an explanation.
“You can control everything in your mind and shit…but you have to be calm like the water, as smooth as the piss.” Akuma said, with an aura which made it sound like he could kick your ass with just a glance at you. Buletta got up and paid the illusion no heed. I can cloud your mind because…you are weak.
“That’s a nifty trick that you can conjure up, but I have two big mother fuckers in my basket who’re ready to bust not one, not two, but SIXTY-NINE caps in your ass. Now kindly relinquish your soul so I can get t3h mon3y … and get that ass job I always wanted!” Buletta had no shame. All she wanted was a nice ass.
“While you alone could never take my life…I am already tending the debilitating wounds of a warrior before you. All I wish now is to confront the great inevitable.” Akuma resumed meditation, while Buletta took out her basket and summoned Smith and Wesson to shoot Akuma. Somehow, their giant bullets were unable to pierce through Akuma’s big head, and they gave up. Akuma was undisturbed by the ruckus. Not wanting to give up, Buletta took out a mine and tossed it into Akuma’s lap. It exploded, but Akuma was not harmed. Irritated, Buletta took out a knife and tried to slit Akuma’s throat; the knife couldn’t even scratch the Ansatsuken master. Akuma’s meditation remained undisturbed.
You know…this would be a lot easier if you gave me my guns back. Buletta resigned, and laid upon the hot desert sands on her back. But, chyeah. Youre gonna die sooner and later! And that soul of yours? That demon heart that drives the infamous Akuma? That shits MINE!
…Kid, do you have a day job? Youre better off just working at K-Mart.
Soon the night fell and the heat had become more bearable than before. The energy Buletta had worn out during the day was finally coming back with the refreshment of the evening winds. She propped herself up. Akuma’s meditation period had finally ended, and stood up to the comparatively diminutive hunter.
“Stand back.” Akuma commanded sharply.
“Where do YOU come off telling me-” Buletta was interrupted by Akuma’s pimp slap.
“Stand the fuck back so I can educate you.” Buletta stepped back. “I will instruct you in the Satsui no Hadou. called the Satsui no Hadou. A bunch of mother fuckers like Ryu and Dan Hibiki think they know it, but they’re pussies and they fuck it up. So I leave it … to you.” Buletta’s jaw dropped.
“Uh, you wanna teach me…what?”
“I have spent the past few hours probing your very heart. It seems that your heart…is blacker than it appears to be. You… can be a ruthless warrior. You have more than enough disregard for human life necessary to pay respect towards the killing arts. You are tireless, and your mind is ripe for perfection. My time on this mortal coil is limited…so watch my movements intently. If you do not recall these techniques correctly the first time, you’ll fuck it up for everyone else who wants to know it.” Akuma began to extend his foot and his fist when Buletta asked a question.
“Uh, why the fuck would I want to know this stupid thing anyway? It’s of no value to me!”
Akuma responded to this question by taking off his belt and showing Buletta his ass. “The Satsui no Hadou also gives you…a nice ass.”
“OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH…OH SHIT!!!” Buletta could hardly contain herself
“Now…” Akuma found a mound of sand, sat on it, and took off his white briefs. “Give me a hand job.”
“…” Buletta had nothing more than a blank expression for a response.
“I’m serious. You want that ass, don’t you?” Insulted, Buletta took out a machine gun and shot Akuma in the nads; however, the bullets bounced off his sack. “Quickly, I can feel my soul slipping away from me. … And its not as if I’m asking you to suck it or anything, and you just need to use one hand. Chop chop.”
“Er…” Recalling that Akuma’s soul would command a high bounty, Buletta decided it would be best if she at least stuck with him and entertained the idea of becoming his pupil for his last days. She decided to toss aside a little dignity, for money and an ass. Buletta leaned towards Akuma’s crotch, hesitantly knelt down, and took out her right hand. “You got any soap? … And is that thing clean?”
“It’s hella clean. The bitches off those import car magazines said so themselves.” Akuma smirked, but Buletta got up in defiance.
“Shut the fuck up and get small. Think of your mom or something.” Buletta knelt down again, but saw no diminishment on Akuma’s part.
“Nuh uh. Satsui no Hadou cocks don’t get small, they get shin and/or evil. My bad.” Akuma wasn’t lying.
I WANNA KILL HIM DEAD! was the only thought echoed in Buletta’s head, but she did just as she was instructed; a hand job with one hand. However, this wasn’t what Akuma wanted.
“You fucked up already. No grasping. Just use friction on ONE side of the wang.”
I WANNA KILL HIM DEAD!!! was the new thought echoed in Buletta’s head, but she tried this ineffective ejaculation method on Akuma anyway. She wanted to kill Akuma, Akuma’s mom, Gouki (the alternate universe version of Akuma, who was a sophisticated librarian in the 18th century), Akuma’s dad, any remote family that Akuma has, hell, she didn’t stop there. She wanted to kill everyone with who looked like Akuma, had a name that rhymed with Akuma, had a name starting with A, hell, she wanted to kill Akuma’s pubic hair. But she was all too privy to the fact that nothing could kill this demon incarnate, besides the Crouching Fierce.
“If you’re smart, you’ll get your face out of my crosshairs right now.” Akuma grunted.
“Oh…oh…HELL NO!!!” Buletta leaped just in time to avoid Akuma’s fiery demon jizz, which hit a scorpion which became a fossil in a matter of seconds. She felt her right hand become sore, which would make it difficult if she were to stab someone per se. “I hope you ENJOYED that, you perverted PRICK!”
“Takes one to know one, natch. … I’m cold.” Akuma put his pants back on.
“Thanks to you my hand smells like your nutsack! You fascist dick! You … you … uh, you’re a pervert!” Normally, Buletta would say something along the lines of “die, monster! You don’t belong in this world!” However, Akuma was a monster who couldn’t be killed; thus, she was thin on the insults. “Your mama ain’t raise you right for SHIT!”
“Shut up. Now you have another exercise.” Akuma reached into his tattered gi and pulled a bottle of Pert Plus from under his armpit. “I have hella dandruff. Scrub this shit in my hair.”
“Am I nothing more than your maid?! Are you gonna ask me to shit for you next?!” The quality of her insults might’ve taken a sharp fall, but Buletta’s anger hadn’t subsided one bit.
“…that’s not a bad idea. Now take this-” Akuma tossed her the Pert Plus “-and scrub really hard by pushing two hands into my hair at the same time. Your hands must act in unity, as one. Push & pull, push & pull, it’s simple. Even my brother can do it.”
Buletta, confused, did as she was told.
“Oh. Yeah, my brother’s dead.”
“…oh, I get it now. Hey, fuck you, I can do anything a dead guy can.” Buletta didn’t quite follow her instructions and wound up kneading through both sides of Akuma’s head using both of her hands.
Buletta wasnt going to go out without an applause from the frightened masses around here. There was none, however. Shit again! Buletta went further as to even be drenched in hot saliva. Shit again!