I have a bunch of people who have to be in my office for an extended period of time, this upcoming Wednesday/Thursday, and I want to be a complete asshole to them. What are some of the stinkiest basic foods or meals (while still being edible and delicious to me), and some foods that will make me fart uncontrollably while making it more deadly than a holocaust gas chamber?
I’m planning some simple things, like a couple pounds of chili, several dozen hard boiled eggs, a brick of blue cheese, and chocolate milk…but I sadly drew a blank there.
Not an option, for several reasons. Most importantly, Canada’s Thanksgiving is this Monday, and in order to qualify for stat holiday pay, you can’t be absent for the shift before or after a holiday (to prevent people from just abusing the system and calling in sick before a long weekend and basically getting a free holiday, with pay). Also I get to play games at work almost whenever I want, and I have my dad is one of the top bosses where I work so my reputation is pretty much shot anyways.
And I enjoy being a fucking asshole.
I have to train some annoying girl’s on how to use Open Office instead of Microsoft Office, and their whining pissed me off enough that I demand appropriate compensation. Plus I enjoy being a fucking asshole.
I don’t want to deal with my companies insane HR dept, so there goes sexual harassment, but there is no fucking way any court of law could charge me for turning my office into Auschwitz 2.0 for a couple of days.
@Rockbogart I also downloaded all of the old Black Phillip stuff, to play while we “work”
Surströmming (pronounced [sʉ̌ːrstrœmːɪŋ], Swedish for “soured herring”), is fermented Baltic sea herring and is a staple of traditional northern Swedish cuisine since at least the 16th century. Just enough salt is used to prevent the raw fish from rotting (chemical decomposition). A fermentation process (which converts sugar to acids, gases, and alcohol) of at least six months gives the lightly-salted fish its characteristic strong smell and somewhat acidulous taste.
When opened, the contents release a strong and sometimes overwhelming odour; the dish is ordinarily eaten outdoors. According to a Japanese study, a newly opened can of surströmming has one of the most putrid food smells in the world, even more so than similarly fermented fish dishes such as the Korean Hongeohoe or Japanese Kusaya.
I think these may be right up your ally, although im not sure about the possible profound sadness they may cause not only those around you but yourself.
Here is a prime example of the possible outcome.
"It was my first deployment and I had been missing a lot of stuff from the states. I could get gummi bears at the PX here but not sugar free, and with the army weight regulations I try to keep my snacking healthy. Thus, when I saw a 5 lb bag of sugar free gummies I couldn’t help but putting the order in. The gummies shipped in a varily fast manner and I was relieved to notice that non of the gummies appeared to have melted or been damaged in anyway. When I got the bag I was somewhat shocked, seeing for the first time how much 5 lbs of gummie bears actually is. I knew there would be no way for me to consume them all alone. Luckily, we had a range later that week. I stashed the gummies in my wall locker until the range.
On the day of the range, we all sat under some camo nets we had put up to protect us from the sun as we waited our turn too qualify. During this time, I broke out the gummies. Everyone was stoked. We all sat around chatting as we ate delicious soft squishy gummies washed down with Rawdatain water. So far, the range had been going smoothly. Soon it was my turn to fire. I was given range 3 and I immediately got into prone as this range starts off from the prone supported position. I adjusted my sand bags and that’s when I realized something wasn’t right.
It start with just a gurgle and then a grimacing pain. I could hear the range control over the loud speaker “Firers Prepare to fire-Lock and Load your weapons” GURGLE- the noise was terrible the pain was horrifric. I tried to focus on the target by my vision started to blur and sweat poured into my shooting eye. All the while, “Firers place your selector switch from safe to semi”. I could not longer feel my hands they had gone numb. I realized at that moment I had to go and I me GO. An then, “Firers, at this time you may fire your weapons”. I didn’t move my switch from saftey; even if my hands weren’t numb, I wouldn’t have trusted myself with a loaded weapon. Now, I had another problem. The range was hot! I heard firing around all around me. I weakly fumbled with my weapon and placed it in a safe position. The range safety came up to me. “Soldier, is there something wrong”. The look I gave must have gave said it all. The safety waved his paddle and the call was made. “Seize fire! Seize fire! Seize FIRE!” I was up and looking for relief. Perhaps the other Soldiers stopped firing, buy my colon had just begun. I made rush to the porta johns to find they were all filled up. Of course, I had shared those gummies with at least 10 other troops. The noises coming out of those porta pots will cause PTSD for many years to come. I thought for a second about finding a place out of sight. However, it was futile, I was in the desert you could see for miles all around. Then I remember the nationals had a porta pot and likely no one else knew it was there. It was under the range control tower surrounded by a small fence.
I rushed, as quickly as possible in my condition, clenching my cheeks and praying to every god I had ever heard of. I made it and found it was unoccupied. I opened the door to find, in my dismay, an Eastern Toilet. I began to take all my gear off in a hurry. Whilst, small amounts of air slipped past my cheeks with a liquid like feel. “Oh gods!” I thought. I clenched tighter ripping my boots off I could tell I would need all my clothing off as this was likely to cause to cause an immense back splash.Finally, disrobed, I allowed the releaseeee.it was a clumpy tidal wave of destruction. The smell was nothing of this world. I tried not to vomit as my anus took on a will of it own expeling this sickness from my system. After, I looked down in horrior at the Eastern Toilet realizing there was no way that this was going to drain properly. I accepted defeat at my attempt to clean up the terrible smelly gummie soil and washed myself up with some baby wipes I so mercifully had in my ACU pocket. I put my clothes on and stumbled out of the toilet. As I walked, one of the natives walked by me. I tried to warn him, but he didn’t understand. I only heard him cry out “Allah” as he slammed the door walking away from the porta pot looking at me with fear. The eyes telling it all. He couldn’t understand how that could have come out of a human being without killing them.
In the end, 10 troops were given saline solution for dehydration from the terrible gummies. Our unit swore a vow of secrecy to never speak of this experience again with one another because of the back flashes that some still have."
you can also give profound sadness to everyone around you, maybe just the girls so your toilet is free for you to obliterate and they suffer waiting for the others to finish. Good luck
Cabbage. Stuff makes you brew up a fart louder than a shotgun going off.
Or if you want to make the bathroom and unpleasant place to be in: eat two bags of asparagus the night prior, and unleash the firehose of bile into the urinals and toilets.
