Passing gas in bed and the health implications of it

[Dramatix]

The only thing I’m worried about when farting in bed is not getting the smell in my sheets. Lifting the covers never hurt.

[chadouken]

The only thing I’m worried about when farting in bed is not getting the smell in my sheets. Lifting the covers never hurt.

I’m not so much worried about the smell of a fart in the sheets, but I do have a notorious problem of sharting myself often. I thought this would go away since I quit drinking, but nope. I worry about shitting the bed- if my girlfriend woke up and there was a turd on the bed, I’d be in trouble. I have a general rule that if it itches when it dries, I know I’ve Gambled and Lost, and I better go clean myself up.

[AlanEdrick]

[makmak]

@BeGuiled

Farts, or flatulence if you want to be scientific, are made out of methane, and methane is a dangerous gas. If it binds with any amphetamines it can corrode your brain like acid. Amphetamines are a chemical in your brain, so brains and farts are a volatile mixture. If a fart gets into your brain you’ll get high and eventually end up with the IQ of someone who lives in a trailer park in Florida (which is the worst kind of trailer park). You don’t want to be a Meth-head do you? Keep those farts and brains separate.

Then again if you were short on money you could bottle the methane and probably make a fortune. I hear ‘meth’ is pretty profitable. You could use a tube system attached to your butt to collect it all. Don’t waste any of that gassy gold. But methane isn’t very dense so you’d need to put it under a lot of pressure, so get a hold of some scuba tanks. A lot of them have built in mouth hoses for easy huffing.

And if no one wants to buy your scuba farts just mix the tank in with the rest of the tanks a scuba diver uses. That would be a hilarious joke to make someone breath in your farts. Just make sure you put the fart tank on tank 2, that way when he’s deep under water and switches to tank 2 from tank 1 hilarity ensues. The only way that would be funnier is if you mixed helium in with your scuba farts. That way they’re a squeaky fart breather.

And he’ll have to take his corroded scuba fart brain to a trailer park in Florida. You win. Fuck that guy for sleeping with that girl you were stalking.

[Chairman_Mao]

The reason your asshole burned that much wasn’t because you farted under your blanket lol.

The acids from the jalapeno (or any really spicy food for that matter) don’t get fully neutralized during your digestion, so the mucous membranes of your asshole start to burn, just like your mouth did.
The pain from this acid burn usually feels so bad because your asshole isn’t used to it at all, unlike your mouth.

Well I think it’s pretty clear that the best course of action is to regularly insert jalapenos into your asshole. Set aside some time in your day (at least 10 minutes) and take the 2 week program, guaranteed to reduce the painful experiences after eating spicy foods. However, for optimal results you may want to consider investing in additional apparatus to increase the coverage (perhaps a large skewer?)

[pootnannies]

dutch oven

[ThePurpleBunny]

Thread seems complete now that a guy named pootnannies has posted.