Mermaids? Fact or Friction?

So apparently the net is in an uproar after Animal planet showed a mockumentary on Mermaids purporting to have actually found a body of one of these mythic creatures. Stupid ppl abroad who never pay attention to details and believe that the Texas chainsaw massacre actually happened are all abuzz talking about it on their respective facebook’s and twitter accounts. To make this even sadder is the fact that this airing is a RERUN of the original air date and people still can pay attention enough to realize it is a fictional account.

So with that being said I think the only thing that truly matters now in this situation is one simple question…

…would you do it?

and meet an untimely death?

Mermaid ejaculate would smell exactly like cod liver oil, I bet.

Nah son, what pedoviejo said.

Well…if I knew I was going to die soon, not her, but if it was a fine ass mermaid, then sure, but only if I pretty much knew I was going to die soon anyway.

Don’t know why but I always wanted to get slapped in the face by a mermaid’s fin. Guess I’m into S&M (Slave & Mermaid).

inb4 friction joke

Since when do niggas die from fucking mermaids?

More like sirens, but they are close enough. Look it up

Uh…where’s the vagina?

I never understood the allure of mermaids. Blowjob’s and titty fucks are great and all, but at the end of the day, you’re dealing with half a woman. Not only that, but their are a lot of other logistical issues to address.

If I caught a mermaid, I’d throw her right back (after taking some photos).

I’m no tribologist but


I don’t know if they are real or not, but I would fuck Ariel.

What I wish they were:


What they probably are:


Well, right off the bat, in terms of organs and anatomy, anyone who’s taken grade 6 biology would reasonably expect that we are completely physically incompatible, so all of that good stuff is immediately right out the window. Also, her body may feel absolutely FRIGID COLD like the ocean she came from. I’m sure her hair would look pretty dirty, too; sea water isn’t exactly renouned for its beautifying and styling properties. She might stink faintly of harbour garbage. Plus I would assume that we don’t speak any of the same languages as each other.

I think I speak for all sexually overenthusiastic men when I say that I’m firmly willing to look past all of that. Firmly.

But what if she only possesses an animal level of intelligence? Even if she is approachable (ie. docile and/or friendly), there are still a lot of details that need to be sorted out:

  • Would I feel comfortable feeding this animal live sea creatures just so that I can feel her titties? I feel as though this scenario presents multiple levels of questionability, primarily in terms of morals and empathy. Am I taking advantage of her, or is this a mutually beneficial exchange? Is it acceptable for me to sacrifice the lives of those tiny sea creatures only to fulfill my own pleasure and curiosity? Is that right?

  • Would I feel comfortable trying to get a blowjob from an animal that has just eaten live sea creatures? This scenario, too, I feel presents multiple levels of questionability, this time mainly in terms of safety and sanitation. Could I get an infection or a disease from this? What about mercury poisoning? Am I willing to run the risk of having my junk smell irrepressibly fishy for an indefinite period of time into the future, regardless of my increasingly painful attempts to scrub it off? And what if she thinks that my genitals ARE food? Even if she understands that they’re not for eating, will she react in an aggressive or defensive manner when I inevitably ejaculate? Would I be better served letting this happen inside her mouth or out?

And on that note, just how much slime is too much slime?? I’m sure her strange, aquatic physiology provides her some degree of active mucous secretion over most of the exterior surfaces on her body. Where does one draw the line between “conveniently pre-lubricated” and “really fucking gross”? “Slippery titjob” sounds awesome to me, but “soggy goopy mess” not as much.

And besides that, what if she’s flat?? Face aside, isn’t that the centerpiece feature of the whole entire deal? There is literally no possible ass that can make up for this. She has none. (You guys who say you love “whale tails” are in for a rude awakening when you get exactly what you wished for.) Maybe you like stomachs and arms and backs and stuff too, but you’re missing the two most important features that make mermaids mermaids. A mermaid with no breasts? That’s like a human without legs! Pffhfht.

It does beg the question: just how hot can a mermaid BE? If they’re only half human, can they score higher than a 5? I suppose this depends on how you’ve been weighting the top half versus the bottom half on human females, but it would be nice to have some kind of a male consensus here. If I saw a human 5 in the water and she asked me to join her, I’d jump in and get my dick wet. Should a mermaid be any different? I don’t know! I’m really not sure, here!!

It’s worth pointing out that the dumb-as-a-coral-reef caveat is probably the only way you would even WANT your relationship with a mermaid to go anywhere in that direction, because otherwise you have to navigate all of the challenges and confusion of interacting with human female intelligence, except there is no prize at the end of the tunnel… or, to speak more accurately, there is no prize tunnel.

Now I don’t want anyone reading this to get the wrong impression and think that I’m some kind of a pervert or something!!! It just changes the types of motivations that have to be involved here if there are no sexual incentives for one to pursue a deep and meaningful connection with an animal. If she was as smart as a normal, healthy human female then I guess it would be pretty cool to get to know her and whatnot and then you would have this fun buddy to hang out with who is always at the beach and just happens to be very good at swimming. I dunno, I mean, that sounds pretty neat to me. But it’s not sexy.

If she’s SMARTER than a human female then we probably have no chance at any of this anyway, and if you encounter one she may incapacitate you with her cruel mind-deadening rays and then lay her eggs into your mouth.

Anyway, I definitely feel like the ball would be in my court, because I’ve heard that mermaids love sea men.

I’m awesome

and I fuck dolphins

If you fuck them into cans, that’s where flaked tuna comes from!

Thread’s over, deadfrog won it.

Deadfrog is just a Ichthyophob and needs to hurry up and come out of the closet.

That being said, anything is better than being a dick rider and making comments about winning threads. This thread is not Charlie Sheen levels of fucked up yet, so NO it has not been won.

I’m genuinely afraid to see how fucked up a mermaid thread can become.

I think you mean “ichthyothrob.” As in “ichthyo-heartthrob.”

Fishes love me. :cool:

Watch for the killer speedboat to come roaring out of the bay where the yacht club is. That’ll be me, you willy-motored paddle-boy.

Not sure about a mermaid, but a fishman?

I do hear they can be curiously-attractive.