I should’ve been forthright about this.
I have been receiving sexual favors from a store manager of a Steak 'N Shake. My reviews have been tainted.
Proper Criteria would imo be:
Bun Quality: Basically, a crappy bun would be that wonderbread shit that you can find in any wal-mart. Think wendy’s or burger king or something like that. A good bun is good at holding itself together even under the stress of heavy toppings and actually tastes like good bread.
Five Guys is the bomb, just because the bread with random topping on it is good enough to eat by itself. I personally think Five Guys would be burger nirvana but the price tag is high.
Meat: Although I’m not good with the fat percentage stuff, a shitty burger is greasy and fat and gristle is interlocked in the ground beef. Processed burgers are an automatic disqualification for being good meat. King and McDs is what I call mystery meat. Wendy’s, while having fresh ground beef, uses poor quality and gristly meat. A good burger is a lean burger, but lean beef is expensive. Bread and meat are the most important part of a good burger. Everything else is secondary. I would fully expect Heart Attack Grill to use the shittiest meat possible because of their anti-health gimmick. I’m a huge food snob, so I pay attention to meat quality. And hopefully you will too.
Cheese: Well American cheese is american cheese i.e not cheese at all. Just as long as it’s not oily or pasty, it is passable. Not too much to discuss here. You have to be some kind of evil, cruel, capitalistic bastard to be able to mess up the sandwich with the cheese alone. Only the cheapest of American Cheese will be fail on a burger.
Toppings: Huge stickler for toppings. Obviously good toppings are unprocessed. It is just automatically known when things come in a jar and just get cooked, because the toppings will be holding far more water than they are supposed to and processed toppings are usually pickled.
Put a processed sauteed mushroom on my sandwich and I’ll beat the shit out of you. Lettuce is a nice alternate texture and must be crisp. That’s the magic behind lettuce despite being tasteless. In other words, wilted lettuce on a sandwich already bumps down the sandwich tier. Yes, nobody wants to eat lettuce if it matches the texture of the burger bread i.e soft. Because then it would not improve the sandwich.
Dill pickles add an alternate taste, the outer rind piece just absolutely cannot be tough. But that doesn’t happen much. Most places got the pickle ratio correct.
Cost Effectiveness: Everybody likes drinks and fries to compliment the meal so I’ll use 5-6 bucks for a baseline. I may bad-mouth Wendy’s, but you can get far more food for a lower price and a triple burger at that despite having bad quality meat and alright buns. It’s more feasible to eat there alot, versus eating Five Guys a few times if you like your burgers alot. Burger King is equally as expensive as a place like a Wendy’s is and uses that reconstituted meat bullshit that they just keep in hot water. F-Tier all the way all day. McDonald’s is cheap but the burger is barely meat there too. But it’s cost effective so it’s better than Burger King by a mile. The Fatburgers of the world are great, because they hit the good burger for a good price criteria.
If you want the best quality burger then price is no option, but we love burgers and being able to eat at a good place many is better than being able to eat at an amazing place a few times. That’s why we simply can’t pass off a gourmet burger joint as being the best, if there is a place that just barely misses the mark of the highest quality for a lower price.
Remember Chili’s super-thick-cut-bacon?
This might be the most important thread on the internet.
I had 5 guys two nights ago. A single patty burger, no fries, a small drink=8 fuckin bucks.
@crotchpuncha Next time you go there, just ball out, and treat that bitch like all you can eat. To do this successfully, keep 25 bucks on you.
Was the food good, and dude you really should’ve got the double. Those prices are absurd, but since nobody does what they do, they just charge what they want.
Thread is back.
5 Guys is overrated unless its a gang bang.
Whataburger runs the SouthWest.
Nobody likes California so In-&-Out can choke on it.
Guacamole is still hella good on burgers.
Discuss.
How the hell have I not tried this yet?
There’s still much to learn, young one.
cilantro slaw and blue cheese on a burger is gdlk
I recently tried a place that had these roasted garlic cloves and I don’t even know what the fuck kind of seasoning, but it was amazing.
That’s a good dog damn question.
That’s my go to if a joint has it. Usually spicy wit tortilla strips.
You have your gay orgy but leave my burger place alone.
We don’t have anything else here. But I can get an Angry Whopper (RIP) there - Dbl /w cheese + japalapenos, bacon, mayo, BBQ, lettuce, onion. GOD DAMN.
Five Guys sucks asshole. It’s even more overrated than In-N-Out.
Fried egg on hamburgers is the future. More places need to start offering this. 
McDonald’s in Japan has burgers with that egg patty looking thing they put on McMuffins but never tried it though.
Going to Denny’s for burgers isn’t the most intuitive thing, but the Grand Slam burger (eggs, bacon, hash browns and a cheese sauce) is damn great. I’m not sure that it works in the same way with scrambled eggs; would just seem weird.
Gotta laugh at all the broke motherfuckers in here salivating over garbage ass, dog food quality burgers, on a shitty ass bun that’s probably not even toasted and more likely soggy.
if you ever find yourself in gainesville Florida, save up your pennies and head over to blue gill.
Get the blue gill burger, half prime beef half pork shoulder, juicy as fuck. Comes on a toasted kaiser bun with Crispy ass real bacon, melty gooey pimento cheese, greens(not the trash iceberg you’re used to), and pickled onions.
Get cultured, you swine.
Shut the fuck up.
I would gif the hell out of this but this computer about as much RAM as the average Floridian.
I had a feeling this sjw trash would be here to scold me about burger shaming. Predictable.
As for the Florida comments, it’s an Internet fad that’s played out and I can find just as many oddball articles from every state in the country with a quick google search. Irrelevant to burger quality discussion.
Florida Burger tiers:
God Tier: Junk Burger at McGuire’s
It’s the epitome of Florida between two buns. If you don’t like it, you clearly have no taste buds
D Tier: Everything else in Florida