*You’re putting too much unnecessary pressure on yourself and seeing things through a self defeatist filter. If he’s your friend, a real friend, he understands what you’re going through on some level and is doing his best to understand you and your situation. If he was to leave don’t even sweat it, people come in and out of your life regularly. They either add, subtract, divide or multiply, very rarely do they have a neutral effect on your well being.
I think you need to take one thing at a time. Here’s my suggestions (I’m not accredited, nor have I ever personally dealt with depression or suicidal thoughts but give me the benefit of the doubt on this) but make a few lists:
- On one list put down all of the activities you’re currently doing and determine how intrinsically important it is to you on a scale of 1 to 10. Next to that column/number evaluate on a scale of 1 to 10 how much happiness it gives you. The latter is going to be shaped in some way by your current situation but that is okay since it’s about building self awareness on a different level.
1a) Write out a list of your skills, talents, job experience, hobbies and interests. Very important, i’ll come back to this point at a latter date should you follow some of what I’ve said.
-
Make a list of different life areas that are important to you. Relationships (friends, family, romantic), professional (current job, dream job, skillset), Academics (aspirations, books you want to read), Hobbies (games etc), Finance (paying bills, building better credit, lowering monthly expenditures etc), physical upkeep (working out, domestic cleaning, hygiene) and whatever other categories that may be important to you like religion. Afterwards, write down things you could do to in that life area. For example let’s say you put “Maintain good relationship with friend” on there as being important, write out a way in how you could do that, like say going out to lunch with him once a week.
-
This is probably the most important part: Do something positive! Seriously, getting into positive activities is incredibly important for people who are dealing with difficult life circumstances. Give something positive back into the world, volunteer, donate blood/clothes, give a shelter animal a temporary home for a weekend, exercise, share your expertise (drawing in your case) by teaching a novice something about drawing technique, creativity or other realms in your field. It’s very easy for one bad thought or one bad day to spin out of control and have precious brain space so go out and do something that makes you feel good.
-
A followup to the last point; do something new. It’s easy to get into a routine and not notice how you perpetuate a cycle of thoughts and/or actions. Break it by doing something new, it doesn’t have to be big or substantial but you should try something new. When going back home go by a different route, try drawing in a style you don’t like.
Some of the reasoning behind these things will make themselves obvious to you once you start doing them. Once you’re done with items 1-2 things should start to crystallize but come back and i’ll tell you about the next steps after that. *