I’m not too sure what happened or how to explain this, but in the past days, I’ve become much more depressed and angry than I usually am. I’ve grown more irritable, jaded, and outright bitter, and nowadays I don’t even want to move or get out of bed. I tell myself to write/work on a creative writing portfolio/manuscript, practice singing or voice acting, or draw and gather the drawing and videos for my portfolio review at school, but I instead just distract myself with video games, YouTube videos, or actually trying to write a sentence before stopping out of frustration. Some days, I just want to “quit”.
Academically, I registered for classes late again and now I have to deal with a messed up schedule, but that’s my fault for waiting until the semester ended to know whether or not I needed to take a course. For some reason at school, I become very tense and anxious - I constantly think because I’m not officially a part of a program or that I’m not as intelligent nor set with a career path, I don’t belong there. I even isolate myself from classmates and basically everyone other than my club members - I go to class, find somewhere to be alone, go to practice, then home. I tell myself things like, “You’re too stupid to be here”, and that without a job or an education I have absolutely nothing going for myself nor to wake up to. If anything, I’m trying to hold myself to a higher standard to earn my degree and of course I don’t want to be there forever, but I remain in school to say I’m doing with my life. As an artist, I look at my old work and see nothing but sheets of mediocrity that somehow earned me an Associate’s. All I have under my belt are sketching and video-editing, and that isn’t much.
Socially, I did attempt dating again last August - the first guy ghosted me after the first date, the second was basically a cuddle session/hookup and rushed me out afterwards, and the last one was a guy who kept seeing other men yet would apologize to me while being conflicted with his bisexuality. He and I kept things casual but it was never going to work since he saw me as a friend and he had too much going on. All of it has made me bitter about romance and guarded all over again. Of course, I tell myself that I don’t want to date until I become a “finished project” since I feel being a “work in progress” isn’t acceptable, but I also don’t have the energy to even socialize with people on that level nor reinvent myself to be acceptable.
My therapist deemed me as “clinically depressed” and that I should go back to medication, but if anything I try to block out or ignore my depression. I tell myself that “employers, professors, and peers do not care that you’re depressed, that no one is going to save you, and you’re going to have to do it all on your own. No one cares.”
