How did you get a hold on what you used to be?
Also, has anyone here ever considered using Nootropics to help handle their problems?
Throughout the remaining weeks of December, I began to realize that my insecurities were preventing me from seeing things how they really were and living outside of my head and establishing the connections that I want to have. Most importantly, I developed a better understanding of my toxic tendencies and behavior, and finally grasped that I would truly be alone if I didnāt cease in seeking validation and indulging in self-deprecation, as well as not being a positive influence to my friends in some way (despite what Iāve been told - to them, I have a heart of gold, to my great disbelief). I wanted to make a change and be more of a positive person.
[details=Spoiler]Ever since I started attending my new school in August, I was fine, but gradually became more tired, anxious, and irritable. Of course, I attended with a few friends, but I rarely see them, and the university itself is rather cliquish yet diverse. The campus life is what you make of it here, most students stick with others who they share an immediate common factor with - Muslim/Brown/Asian students sit with each other, as well as the black students, white students, and jocks. Of course, I love the diversity, but I will say that the overall environment isnāt very living - because itās an honor school heavy on the sciences, and a commuter school at that, no one really sticks around on campus, and some people seem really stuck up. Aside from that, I joined the TKD club, where eventually I grew anxious about failing my belt test, which I did pass (I am now a Yellow Belt). My studies were moderate and somewhat stressful, but I managed to survive my first semester. I just felt lonely every now and then. Around the time, my co-workers and managers criticizing my work performance didnāt help either.
Socially, my stability began to diminish. Back in October, I missed my best friendās birthday when he and a few other close friends got together at the last minute while a couple of others and I didnāt get the memo after waiting for his decision on what to do after dinner with his parents, which perturbed me. I got to him and others the next day on Halloween, but it just bugged me because I havenāt seen them in a while. In December, I somehow began to think I wasnāt connected to everyone as I thought I was, and that I was just a burdening outsider. It began to cripple me mentally enough to lash out about being alone and disposed off without a word. One night, my core group got together at random for a trip to the city, and I ranted and debuffed that it was not random, but ādeliberately exclusiveā; my best friend saw the post (and even liked it), and I explained to him that it was all hot air. When I asked if I was the āKarenā of the group, he denied before questioning what was going on with me. Two days later, I apologized, and after getting chewed out, he forgave me saying he loved me despite being annoyed by the behavior I exhibited (he believed I was above it). We talked a bit here and there, but eventually he would never respond to my messages and my sophomoric mindset grew rampant again and I told myself he cut me off, thus severing my ties with the others (of course, he was busy working full-time and probably dealing with promotion stuff). I would read into small, stupid things such as others replying to othersā messages in group chats except for me until later - it was getting worse and I began to hate myself for it.
Between the apology and the New Years, another friend was straight with me and said that everything was in my head - if I wanted to be a part of their life, then I make myself indispensible by calling/texting them myself and getting myself a car. He stated that I was indeed well-liked, but I refused to believe it. That same night, I didnāt realize I popped a blood vessell in my eye which didnāt heal until a week or so. A few days later, I went out with an old pair of friends and later a separate group of friends where I was the sole non-drinker and homosexual (out of four guys I was the only gay one), where I just felt out of place. I rejected a waitress for a jello shot and she looked at me as if I spat in her face, and she walked off while saying āthank youā in this terse, hurt voice. I wasnāt feeling the music either for it was very spasmodic, going from typical party music to country (which I loathe), and eventually I stepped off to another club where the music wasnāt as good as before. Witnessed two bar fights, left, came back with my group, was accidentally punched in the dick by this one chick who tried to hit someone else (I just glared at her), and snapchatted my drunk friend thirsting over this one chick while the other wanted to fight her because she said he wasnāt Russian (he was). Got home and basically broke down for no reason, telling myself to just down the sleeping pills I bought two weeks ago and just end it. I was losing myself to imaginary problems I incessantly engineered in my head, and tried to cut my therapist of 15+ years loose in belief that he should go assist someone that could actually be helped. It didnāt work, but it was more of an act of āmentalā self-harm.
Eventually, all of this fretting was for naught; I spent the New Years with my friends, and spoke with my friend to call and say Happy New Year. I tried to explain to him my behavior and audibly apologize to him, but he told me it was all water under the bridge. I didnāt deserve that forgiveness, but I received it. However, I began to tell myself that if he and my close friends wanted nothing to do with me, ultimately I would have to accept that.[/details]
TLDR: I became more of a drama queen than ever (hence the name Dramatix), but I finally want to be done with that lifestyle. Iām growing too old for it and I will end up alone when I donāt cease in behaving like a two-year old. I will say that I finally begin driving school next Monday, so Iāll finally have my license soon. I can possibly be a necessity to friends when we hang out, and most importantly, I can find a better job. At times, I really donāt believe Iām depressed (despite what my therapist has told me) and instead I see myself as a āwhiny, melodramatic shitbirdā, but I have to admit I felt it was in a dark place and that my disposition was not doing me any justice. I just donāt have the energy to brood and emit negative vibes anymore.
Barely saw this thread, no, iām not okay, iām pretty crazy. I think about some of the most insignificant shit due to OCD sometimes, and the list goes on.
You take everything with a grain of salt online in general, youāre going to get good advice and bad. You donāt need to be a professional to give good advice though, itās called life experience. Plenty of guys on here have it, you have guys in their late 30s on here as well as kids. People need to find strength in themselves to get past stuff and sometimes all it takes is a different perspective to start seeing things differently and have the pieces fall into place better.
Arenāt you that guy who made the picture wearing an outdoors jacket with barefeet? The troll? Referring to hindu gods and whatnot?
In any case I donāt want to start on you or derail the thread but your above post has a lot of misinformation. For one, damaged nerve cells donāt regenerate like regular human cells, like skin tissue or muscle. Secondly they donāt cause pain. Itās the tissue around the nerve endings that get affected in order to send a pain stimulus up the nerve ending. Thirdly, THC is not just a stimulant. Depending on the strain that you smoke, it can equally be depressant that puts you to sleep. Modern medicine has not researched this adequately to come to a statement like yours, you are only speaking from your own experience (that is, if youāre not trolling).
If you genuinely have issues then I hope you fix them, but donāt post stuff as if they are facts when only speaking from personal or emotional experience.
When the people in your life give you shit for never sharing your feelings, then react as if youāre launching a personal attack on them when you let them in on how miserable you are.
My ex would do that. Sheād complain that I didnāt talk and share stuff, and when I did, sheād get mad about some of the things Iād say. If anything thatās on them, thatās not your fault. Theyāre choosing to react that way.
Does it look like Iām āOKā?
rofl people in here lost their mindā¦ [details=Spoiler]just to gain it[/details]
Iāve been struggling recently. Losing my job unexpectedly has left with way too much free time and not a lot of positive stuff to do. Iāve been playing video games for like 10 hours a day and some days donāt get out of bed.
I barely eat and just want to sleep my life away. I havenāt done drugs in years but feel the pull.
I was in such a good space but some bad shit happened and now I feel stuck. I donāt want to talk to my family or friends because Iām embarrassed about being unemployed again. Feeling a bit useless right now.
Take long walks. Get some light exercise. Trick your body chemistry into altering your mood by getting some endorphins going.
Try to eat better. Try cooking yourself some real food if you arenāt in the habit of doing it already. Doesnāt have to be too fancy, just try some new things you think you might like.
If you have friends who actively go out and socialize, let them drag you along. Youāll be going through the motions of being social and it will feel artificial, but there is a real element to faking it until you make it.
Keep at that grind. Keep applying for new work, donāt stop looking. Make sure you are taking full advantage of unemployment too. That shit exists for a reason, we all pay into it and the whole point of it is to help lift us up when weāre catching bad breaks.
Take a shower every day. Not shitting you here, just being clean helps your self esteem.
Spend less time playing video games. Read some books. Doesnāt matter much what- itās a break from reality that also exercises your mind.
Id say a lot of people on this board suffer from:
Anti-Social personality disorder
Depression
Bi Polar
ADHD
High levels of estrogen in men
Not trying to rip on people just my observance.
And donāt worry, itās none of you guys posting here in this particular thread now. Just ignore this itās a truth joke mean for the trolls who follow my every move and giggle over chat software nobody uses Anymore.
came to the realization with myself over the weekend that iām pretty damn depressed. My friend and roommate of nearly 3 years passed away last month and Itās clear as day that i havnāt really processed all of the emotions from it.
Iām falling back into addictive behavior like smoking way more weed than i normally do, playing games for much longer and later hours than i used to and my sleep schedule is 100% fucked up because of it. Idk what i should do because my focus is slipping at work and I can tell that my bosses have noticed.
Anyone ever make a mistake and felt terrible about it, apologize for it, is forgiven, but still feels terrible about it. I always feel like never got what I got what I deserved and I canāt forgive myself, even years later. What exactly is that?
thats ok. crazy chicks are hot. and great in bed. trust me. i know from experience. i get most of my dates waiting outside of a all womenās asylum for the criminally insane.
After throwing myself at the job market and seeing how things work/are ran I kinda started to read into these conspiracy theories about the nwo and stuff. Given how American politics are right now and the news I read about Venezuela, south east Asia and some African countries, I canāt really see why is so far fetched for an elite to control all. I mean, I havenāt turned 100% tin foil hat, I donāt buy the ufo/reptilian crap but Iām a little depressed or I guess the word is disappointed at the world we live in.
Been struggling with depression for a while now.
Life feels very pointless nowadays, and Iām not sure if I want to continue.
Seek professional help, my friend. Donāt wait, just do it.
Anyway, been a while since I posted in here. The last time(s) I posted in here I was probably drunk and talking shit. Sorry if thatās the case. Was going through some shit for a while there.
Ive been doing a lot better. I donāt have a therapist anymore because, when my wife left, so did my insurance. Now I only have medicare and any therapist that takes that shit I have not hit it off with. I even got into arguments with a couple and left a couple in tears. I make it a bit more difficult to find a therapist as I prefer having a woman therapist. Ive tried several men and none of them clicked. I did sort of hit it off with one dude and I saw him for several months. Iām not entirely sure why I stopped seeing him but I think it had to do something with him talking about religion or some shit.
I still have the same psychiatrist. My car is kinda busted (I can only drive it short distances) and I havenāt had any way to go to his office. I did talk to him on the phone last month. I told him I didnāt want to take Trazadone (I take it for sleep mainly) anymore because it was giving me very bad, very vivid, nightmares. He asked if I was sure it was that and not the Prozac. I mean, Ive been on Trazadone for many years now and never had that problem so its kinda strange. I tested that shit several times. I would not take it for a few nights and I would sleep ok and not have any dreams or nightmaresā¦or at least I didnāt remember them when I woke up. Then I would take it after those few nights and the nightmares returned. Other than that nothing else changed with my meds. I told him I had started drinking again and he knew why and he wasnāt happy. I also told him that I stopped drinking. He was happy about that. I have an appointment to see him on the 28th.
Anyway, like I said, I started drinking again. I started that shit about 3 months after my wife left. I was mad depressed as it was but my roommate just made it worse. Guess who my roommate was? My mother-in-law. This bitch is 52 but is so fucked up that she seems like an 85 year old. Sheās all fucked up from being on like 14 different meds, mostly narcotics, the worst one being morphine. But she has a fucked up back, fucked up kneesā¦shit, fucked up everything. Anyway she was nasty. I mean like this bitch would only eat in her room and would let dishes and trash pile up for weeks. Then she would bag up her trash and set it right outside the garage door expecting me to take it the rest of the way. Which I did. She would pile her nasty dishes in the sink and leave them for me to clean. And I cleaned them. I had her move in directly after my wife left as I would not have been able to make rent otherwise. I was already unhappy and not in a good state and she just made it worse. Bitch constantly called the cops on me. They never did anything but tell her to stop calling them and always told me I should evict her. Every time the cops would come over I would ask about how I go about evicting her and I always got a different answer. I finally figured that shit out but it would cost a grip. I was stuck with her I thought.
Anyway, fast forward a bit. I woke on my moms driveway, drunk off my ass, with a cop kicking me and telling me to wake up. I got up and they handcuffed me and talked to my mom a bit. Then they asked if I wanted to go to jail or go to the hospital. I was dumb and chose to go to jail. Had to spend the night in the mental box, butt ass naked and shivering. They eventually let me out into the general seating area and I tried my best to crash on those chairs. I was released at like 6am, they gave me a bus pass so I could get somewheres. I had to walk about 3 miles to the county hospital to catch the bus. I just went to my house to see if I could get in. I couldnāt so I got into my car and drove over to my friends house. I moved in with him the next day.
Fast forward a tiny bit more. I kinda came to to a cop yelling at me to drop my weapon. I was sitting in my car with my music blasting and a knife in my hand, hanging out the window. I closed the knife and put it on the dash. The cop came over and took the knife and asked me to exit my vehicle. I did and he handcuffed me and put me in the back of his car. He went and looked around in my car then went and talked to his partner for a few minutes. He came back and pulled me out of the car and talked to me for a bit before asking me if I wanted to go to jail or if I wanted to go to the hospital. I was a bit wiser this timeā¦I chose to go to the hospital. Anyway, things kinda changed after that.
I went to see an old friend one night. I very old friend that I had not seen in a very long time. He wanted to have a few drinks with me. I went and had a few drinks with him. I decided that night that that would be the last time I drank. Havenāt had a drink since. Its been a month and 12 days. That may not seem like a lot to a normal person but anyone that knows an alcoholic or is one knows that that is a pretty good amount of time. I just quit cold turkey. I was sick for about 6 days. Iām also trying to stop taking Xanax. It really helps with my anxiety but I just donāt like the fact that I am addicted to it. If I go more than a day without any I get mad sick. I didnāt think I could see my psychiatrist anymore with my insurance so I didnāt call him for a couple/few weeks. I ran out of Xanax. I was mad sick for two weeks or so. It aint no shit to fuck around with, at least for me. I get meth head/heroin junky levels of sick when I stop takinā that shit. So Ive been weening myself off of it. My normal dose is 2mg three times a day. Iām down to .5mg twice a day.
Iām doing pretty good. I still cant talk to my youngest kids and that sucks but you know, I cant dwell on it. Ive started talking to my mom again. Wellā¦we donāt really talk we just text each other a bit. I do call my oldest daughter (she lives with my mom). I call her like once a week. Sheās 17 and I know she doesnāt want her dad calling her all the time. Its nice to talk to her though and we are building a good relationship. I wish I could go see her and go have lunch or dinner with her or just go do something with her. Kinda hard without a reliable car though.
Manā¦this shit is going beyond Jimmy1200 levels of posting so Iām gonna stop.
Seems like you threw your life away the moment you had your first kid
Soā¦for the pastā¦5 years or more I get pretty depressed around the holidays. You know, depressed more than normalā¦its kind of debilitating. It normally starts right around the beginning of November. I get really depressed because Iām not allowed at my moms on Thanksgiving and Christmas. My aunts (Cindy & Susan) dont like me and since they go to my moms on those holidays Iām not allowed over there on those days. Its very hard for me as Ive always been with my family on the holidays. So I sink into a very deep depression.
Anyhow, it has started early this year. Not only do I not get to spend the holidays with my mom and aunts and grandma and oldest daughterā¦now I dont get to see my youngest kids on the holidays. I think the severe depression started early this year because, well, its October and Halloween is coming up. I cant stop thinking about my young children. I wont get to see them or talk to them on Halloween. I wont get to see their smiling, excited, faces when they put on their costumes and get ready to go trick-or-treating. I wont get to see them or talk to them on Thanksgiving or Christmas. Its making me really, really, depressed. Its bad. Every night I start to feel bad around 6 or 7. It starts with a tingling in my hands and feet. Then I get cold and cant warm up. Then every part of my body starts to ache/hurt. Ive been falling asleep at 830 to 9 oāclock since the first day of this month.
I know its only 5 days into the month but I have a feeling that the extra severe depression is not going to stop. I try to keep busy but there really isnāt much to do around here. Iām lonely and I have nothing to do but sit around and think. I dont ever think of anything good. This is the bad time.
Edit - Yeah, its strange. My mental illnesses manifest in physical illness. Its always been that way. When I was younger it was mostly manifested in nausea. Now its nausea and flu like symptoms. It sucks.