Hi.
I rap.
I wrote this one night,
the result of random inspiration.
Well, here goes.
_
Here is some water for the dead tree.
I see
your reflection in the dirty water scattered with leaves.
Shattered dreams and aspirations, your ideals in the big sky…
Passionate red- the canvas tattered as the bullets fly.
Multiple gunshots fill the block and I wonder why,
when did the world stop being that night?
Sleeping eternal, braced the earth, did it have to be like this?
Love on the forehead at gunpoint. This is tenderness?
But I never would have known, should I know, couldn’t know,
but damn…
does the click of the collateral truly drive it home.
wow…i like certain rap songs but damn dude what you wrote is insane. It seems really heartfelt and with the right beat i think it’d be a great rap maybe even a def jam type poetry. What ever you do with it good luck and keep writing :tup:
Hey man; I’m not actually into rap, I’m a poet. So I’m not sure how valuable my opinion will be to you. However… ther are bits I like and bits I dont like. Theres a lot of good imagery, and some nice, BITEY sounds (which I think would produce a good rythm). However, there’s also some empty shit. Like, the first and second line… they dont really pack a punch because youre using generic words like ‘Here is some’, ‘I see your’… You really dont need these words ( you wouldnt say them iif you were really caught up in the emotions, - like, f your event was happening as you wrote it). no reason you couldnt just say ‘Water for the dead tree’ - it says the same thing, and is stronger (as the first word is an image, rather than ‘here’) …
I also feel that there is just too much imagery in places. (I know rap ha a lot of loud shit in it, and is heavy, so that might be what you want, BUT) If you use heavy emotions and vivif imagery ALL THE TIME, any reader/listener will shut-off. They wont have the same connection. This is a two way street thought. In something like rap it seems you need all the harsh tones and loud imagery continuously… that will make people think its cool. So, if you want them to think COOL, then what youve done works. HOWEVEr, if you want someone to actually sit back and think ‘wow… never saw the wrld like that,’ or to be REALLY into what you are expressing, you have to introduce the to it… You spoke of TENDERNESS… SHOW IT… maybe there’s some imagry or (as its rap) sounds that can express that tenderness… personally, I didnt feel it. I enjoyed the piece, but I lost cncertration on what you were really trying to express, because you leapt from a generic word (here is some) to all that bloody stuff… that isnt natural, and if you dont develop the work naturally, inevitably youll lose the reader/listener at some point.
All in all; dont try and EXPLAIN your story (i know its a rap, but it still has a story - if you see my point) FEEL IT… if you feel what you are writing, as you are writing it, and dont think ‘well, that isnt proper english’ but just SPIT IT OUT… youll produce a much more emotional pice.