Because this isn’t a shitty game even if it looks like one. And like I keep saying, it takes no effort to learn, so you can be ultra-serious about SF4 or Tekken or whatever and still have fun with this. Seriously, have you ever actually played this game with other people?
Oh yeah, and breaking down obscure games has been my thing for years.
Anyway…
I might be able to pull off another quick character guide tomorrow. Probably Sam since he’s garbage and there wouldn’t be much to talk about. 
On that note, Lobelia, here is my personal tier list:
TOP:
Lau - Solid normals, tons of safe chip damage (blocked anything into qcf+HP or super). His damage potential is so-so on crouching midscreen opponents, and his throws don’t lead to anything at midscreen, but in any other situation he can score 50-75% easily.
Thorsten - Low short has huge range for how fast it is, and low HK is a great footsie normal. Gets decent damage from his throw at midscreen, and huge damage from it near the corner. Low short x2 leads into something like 60-70% without super, and a guaranteed 100% with it. The latter is really what puts him up here since meter is pretty easy to come by in this game.
Chairman Jackie - Overall best mixup in the game. Low short leads to a meterless combo much like Thorsten’s, he has the best throw (55% or so at midscreen, up to 70% in the corner), and he has an overhead that can link to dashing low short. His super doesn’t scare you the way Thorsten’s does, but it’s still one of the best thanks to its safety and huge chip damage.
Drunk Jackie - The closest thing to a “complex” character this game has. His projectile is great for two reasons: This game is almost completely ground-based, and even if the opponent hits you the jug will still trade in your favor. He also has the game’s best overhead - faster than Chairman Jackie’s and links to dashing short-fierce XX rising tackle. And up close his qcf+LK is a hard-to-block crossup that leads to a little extra juggle damage. His throw is the worst and his overall damage potential is lacking compared to the others in this tier, but the jugs give him real space control in a game that has very little of that. That combined with his mixup is good enough to keep him up here IMO.
MID:
Yeung - She’s got a legit keepaway game and a nice overhead in qcf+LP, but she deals less damage than anybody except maybe M.Lion. One of her main problems is this game’s engine (read: the dashes), which makes it easy to bait and punish whiffs; I’d take Drunk Jackie’s jugs over zoning normals. The other issue is a glitch that allows over half the cast to perform OTG infinites only on her.
Dragonball Jackie - Boring but not bad. The one move that keeps him competitive is the flame kick, which beats the low short/throw mixup that so many characters live and die by; apparently it may not be safe against everyone, though, so be careful. Also, his command grab is good as per yourmother’s post above…that’s about it for interesting things to say.
Kim-Maree - She & M.Lion are the characters I know the least about, and BBH would be able to add a lot more here than I can. Basically, though the game makes her out to be the grappler, she’s actually better off zoning with her great set of normals. This gameplan seems to present some of the same issues it does with Yeung, though she can’t be OTGed forever so that’s a plus. And her d/f+HP throw is better than her command grabs, one of the best throws in the game period. If you can mash hard and never get tired, she’s not a bad one!
BOTTOM:
Sam - See, he could easily be mid-tier since the damage is there, but they forgot to make any of his B&B’s hit crouching people. His rekka kicks, his canned combos, even his super all whiff! And since he doesn’t have a good overhead or a scary throw at midscreen, there isn’t much of a reason for the opponent to stand up and risk losing half his life. Thus, the best ol’ Sam can do for the most part is low short->low jab xx qcf+LP. That’s Yeung-esque, and he has none of her good things.
M.Lion - The one character who may have even worse combos than Yeung. His projectiles aren’t as good for space control as Drunk Jackie’s, and I think they have worse startup. Jab psycho crusher doesn’t knock down at all, and it’s extremely hard to make the fierce version do so. His slide is almost if not always unsafe. His super is actually not bad, though I still don’t know how to make shit fall from the sky (the one good thing about it). He may have more potential than I suggest here, but there are just too many flaws for him to rise up to mid-tier even.
