I need to vent.
At first I planned on making a new thread, but as the night went on I figured this was the best place to put this:
There’s nothing worse than realizing flaws about yourself. This all goes back to eighth grade for me when I was told by what I thought was a good friend of mine that I complained way too much. I had to step back and look at myself and reassess my current place in life. At the time it made me angry what she said. We fell out of touch and I haven’t talked to her since then though I wish I could talk to her and thank her for what she did for me. After that I took the chance to change who I was and she’s the sole reason I am the person I am today.
This has been dwelling within me for some time now and I think it has had enough time to gestate and formulate itself into something worth posting.
I’ve always been a good writer. I got it from my father. He is an amazingly accomplished writer considering he only does it as a hobby. He has no dreams of having a best-selling book, he just likes to write. He writes for fun and has won several short story contests with his work. He is part of a critique group online where he critiques other people’s writing and in return has his writing critiqued by those people. He takes their criticisms and uses it as a springboard for improving his own writing. I’ve always looked up to him as a writer. Every time I read one of his stories I am blown away by the style and form he uses and never feel like my own writing is anywhere near as good as his.
Last week I had a long discussion with an acquaintance of mine at school who plays music and writes poetry. His brother is a freshman at the Berkley college of music in Boston and is the most accomplished bass player at the school despite only picking up the bass one year ago. The guy I was talking to feels the same way about his brother’s music that I do about my father’s writing. He knows he’s a talented musician but he doesn’t feel like he lives up to his little brother’s level of play.
Because of this neither of us like to submit our work to the person we look up to in fear of the criticism it will bring on. He doesn’t like showing his brother his music because he knows his brother will tear it apart and I don’t like showing my father my writing because I know he will tear it down.
But they do this because they know it will make us better at what we love to do. By tearing us down we can be built up again better than before. By tearing apart every last piece of my writing my father is just helping me improve the little things that could make a good piece great. I want to be a better writer but I’m not willing to submit to the things that will make that happen in fear that the things that I’ve worked so hard on will be shut down and shut out.
This mentality has carried over to my Street Fighter play.
I’m not a bad player. My execution in the training room is spot on and the fundamentals are there. I’m past the point that the average player is at. I’m in the community and I’m part of the scene. I’m around some of the best players in the world on a regular basis and I’m willing to put in the work to get better, but I need to defeat the demons inside me before I can take the next step.
I want to get better at Street Fighter. It kills me to not be respected as a player in this community when I’ve put in so much time and effort to get to where I am now. Street Fighter IV is the first fighting game I’ve ever cared about truly getting better at and Street Fighter II was my first fighting game ever as a child. My fighting game roots are in this series and because of that I have a special connection with it.
I’ve only played one other game on a competitive level and that is Warcraft 3. I would say I’m at about the same level of play as I am in Street Fighter. I’m not skilled enough to roll with the best, but I’m above and beyond the average player.
But my fear of criticism is holding me back. It isn’t a conscious thing. I don’t deliberately ignore critiques on my gameplay, but it’s something that just happens. Tonight it hit me as I was driving back down to Olympia from Seattle: I take criticism very poorly considering I want to improve.
Dugg has been one of my chief coaches in Street Fighter IV. He watches me play and while I’m playing or after I finish he goes over what I did wrong and what I need to do.
“You need to be more patient” he says. “I know, I know” I respond.
“Block more, block low” he says. “I know, I know” I respond.
“More flamekick mixups, less jumping, wait after your feints” he says. “I know, I know” I respond.
Again, it’s not a conscious thing. I really do appreciate his coaching and I’m really glad he’s there to keep me in check and keep me focused on what I need to be doing, but by saying “I know, I know” I am just deflecting the criticism. I find myself making the same mistakes game after game. I’m not getting any more patient and I’m not blocking enough and I’m not taking his advice to heart. I do know that I need to be more patient and I do know I need to block more and I do know I need to jump less. I’ve watched enough videos and done enough research on these forums to know exactly what I need to do, I just don’t do it. Why not?
It all goes back to my fear of criticisms in my writing. I don’t like to think I’m doing something wrong. It’s just part of my personality. I unconsciously put the advice to the back of my mind and continue doing what I’m doing whether it be the right thing or the wrong thing. I don’t read my teacher’s notes on my papers because I don’t like being told I’m doing something wrong and I don’t practice the advice in game because I don’t like to think I’m a poor player.
I know I’m not the best player and I know I’m not the best writer, but if I want to improve myself from here on out I need to take a step back and take a good look at myself. I need to take people’s advice and put it into practice. When someone says I need to be more patient I need to take my next match, win or lose, and play patiently. If I’m jumping too much, I need to consciously jump less in my next match and realize when I make mistakes and improve myself by not making the same mistake twice. I’ve asked Jeff to critique my Viper next time I see him at a session and I’m afraid that I won’t take his advice seriously even though I know it will be better for me if I do.
Until I break this subconscious mindset I won’t be able to improve myself any further than where I am now and that scares me more than any critique.