First Chapter of a pre-alpha FanFic

I’d like you guys to give me some honest feedback. I’m thinking about continuing this, but i want to know if anyone likes the feel of it first. I posted it a while back on herv, but that thread has been long dead and gone… enjoy.

Muay Thai: Defeated

hey now, this is my first EVER attempt at a story like this, criticize as much as you’d like! oh yeah, and if you take it seriously i’m sure you’ll have ?'s
Muay Thai: Defeated
It was seven o’clock when the the cool winds of the night began to chill the temperature down from the extreme heat of the day. For the people of Bangkok, this chilly wind was a more than welcome day from the heat of the day, but for Sagat, it was somewhat of a curse. Sagat had been laying down on the same spot for over three hours.
Yes, it had been three hours since the might of the Shoryuken had destroyed his body, pride, and will to live. The boy named Ryu had swept the floor with every one of his opponents in the tournament until he faced Sagat. In a fight that had been unanimously dominated by the champ, Ryu used what seemed like a last resort attack-the rising dragon punch. However, Sagat felt the fury of the attack, and saw the power behind the kid’s eyes and he knew that the attack was nowhere near a lucky shot.
Regardless of such power, Sagat had been defeated with one attack by a seventeen year old nobody: there was no more to it. And so he laid there, refusing the help that the fight referee had offered him and pushing away the paramedics until there was no one else there to look at him, to watch him die. Sagat knew he would die, but he also knew that an entre life of training would cause that death to be long and painful, and not quick as he hoped. Through the numbness of his half-sleep Sagat was once again conscious of himself, and unfortunately, conscious of the unbearable pain of his wound. A pain that had been made even more unbearable due to the sharp winds. The sand and dried grass were blowing wild thanks to this wind, and this was a sight that he did welcome as a last sight.
However, his thouths soon shifted back to how exactly he had obtained the two-foot-long wound that had nearly divided his torso in two. The sound created by the impact had been more akin to steel cracking concrete than of flesh and bone craking and breaking. It’s impact strong enough to knock down a large tree and certainly capable of killing just about any normal man. Needless to say, Sagat was not a normal man, but the fact that he was still alive was a shock even for him.
The blow had not managed to kill him (at least not yet) but it had managed to kill his spirit, which was the reason why he had layed there, refusing to move, even though he knew the doctors would have stopped the bleeding, disinfected the wound, and probably drug him to sleep.
At this point, there was nobody roaming around the streets, and the God of Muay Thai had been left alone - the entire city knew he had chosen to die, and they would respect his decision.
However, there was someone who did not respect the former champ’s decision to die in peace, and had decided to crash his one-man party. That man was the drug lord named Bison, a sinister man with sickening amounts of ‘evil’ power, and the leader or a small (but rapidly growing) organization named Shadaloo. Bison telleported himself a few inches above Sagat’s chest and watched the fallen warrior’s entire body shiver with pain.
Immediately, Sagat made an excrusiating effor to give voice to his thoughs: "Are you…are you the volture that comes to pick at my bones?"
Bison gave a small chuckle, but said nothing.
“What do you…” coughs “want with me…Bison”
“Muhahahaha! I see you haven’t lost it yet, my boy. I came to rescue you from sure death. If you die now, both of us will lose very valueable opportunities. No revenge on the kid for Sagat, no support from the Thai for Shadaloo.” Bison shook his head in mock dissapointment.
This last sentence had a much greater effect on the dying Sagat than Bison had hoped. Sagat had not even considered avenging his defeat, and although Bison had offered him a job in his new organization before, this was also the first time that he realized that his country would most likely benefit from hosting Shadaloo HQ for a number of reasons: in other words, he began to contemplate the possible future for Bison’s organization, Thailand, and himself. The very thought of revenge upon Ryu gave him the will to live and rise again, but his attempt was met by a deeper kind of pain from the wound.
Bison realized what he had done, and he decided to teleport away from Sagat. However, Two new faces entered Sagat’s visual horizon: a thin, tall man with long brown hair and a rathe ugly hockey mask covering his face, and a black man wearing a tight blue outfit and leather gloves. These men were Vega and Balrog; the newest members of the Shadaloo team and head bodyguards to Bison.
Once again, Sagat attempted to rise, but his body just woudln’t move this time. He tried to form words, but not much was coming out. He felt the bless of unconsciousness taking him away little by little . “Take me…away…” he managed to mumble before his mouth was filled with blood and his mind saw nothing more. Vega proceded to wipe the former champ’s mouth with a handkerchief as Balrog picked him up off the floor.

*fight scene coming up

part 2 of chapter one.

As the warriors walked toward Bison’s ship, they were met by a brash, young warrior named Adon. Adon had a fame in Thailand nearly as great as Sagat’s himself (most likely due to the fact that he had been trained by Sagat), and as soon as he had heard of his fate after the match, he had decided to finish him off to securely take his place. However, by the time he had arrived Bison and his men were already approaching the fallen warrior and so he decided to watch and wait. Adon and Bison had never met, but they knew of each other; Bison had not cared about him before and he didn’t care about him now. On the other hand, Adon had come here to kill Sagat, and although he knew he was no match for the three warriors, he was willing to get his job done.
“Mr. Bison, such a pleasure to finally meet you.” Adon’s voice was rather annoying, and it irritated Bison even more than the interruption itself, but he knew that Adon would not have bothered him without a damn good reason.
“Adon, we have no business with you, but i assure you we will keep you informed on Sagat’s wellbeing.” These words made Adon’s blood boil, but he swallowed his pride for the moment and decided to speak up again.
“Yes, I realize that you will take Sagat away now, but I also realize that he might not make it, and as his former student, I’d like to offer him something”
"Make it quick!"
As Adon walked toward Balrog, his eyes met Vega’s and he felt an animosity that was quite unwelcome, and somewhat scary , even for him. When Adon was about 5 feet away from Sagat, he proceeded to remove the golden halo he wore over his brow, with the apparent intention to put it around Sagat’s head.
“What a disgusting waste of my time! Hurry it up,will you boy?” Adon had to swallow hard at this one, but he was so close to his target, that he payed little attention to Bison. At last, Adon was within striking distance from the unconscious Sagat. He rose his right elbow with the golden halo in his hand, and he brought it down toward Sagat’s jugular with lighting speed and the strenght to match it. Balrog’s face was filled with shock, for he had seen the attack coming, but he had been in no possition to do anything about it. Bison was also shocked that anyone would dare make such a move in his presence.
Adon was somewhat displeased because his attack had not cause the bone-cracking sound he had longed for, but he didn’t give it a second thought and decided to run for his life. However, even before he had taken a step back, he realized just why his blow had made no such sound. He had stuck a hand,Vega’s hand to be exact. Vega had somehow managed to intercept the blow with his open palm without even being noticed by Adon. The soreness of Vega’s right hand was evidence of the danger that Adon represented and the hatred he felt for Sagat.
At this point, both warriors looked into each other’s eyes, and Vega saw a hatred and a fury that perhaps surpassed his own, which was a very pleasing sight for the Spanish assasin. This man would die in a rage.
Bison was beyond furious…“Vega! Finish that little bastard off!” But even before the order, both warriors had assumed their fighting possitions and took a step back. At the same time, the stil dumbfounded Balrog followed his boss toward the ship.
Adon realized he wouldn’t get too far if he ran from Vega, but he was infinitely gratefull that the other two men had gone to the ship. Vega was the first to make a move and he attempted a shin kick that had no effect on the Muay Thai warrior whatsoever, and in return received a backfist right at the chin. Vega instinctively stepped back, and altough a little dissoriented from the punch, saw the next attack coming. Adon followed his backfist with a high kick aimed at his opponent’s chest, but instead met Vega’s guard. Vega immediately threw out a punch with his left had, where he had a rather unorthodox looking claw-like weapon. The blow missed Adon by about two inches to the left of his torso, and Adon attempted a counterattack with a rising knee attack. Vega, however, easily sidestepped the attack, grabbed Adon by the sides, and used his upward momentum to drive him up over his head, and then slammed him down on his back against the ground with a German suplex. Vega did not bother to look back at his opponent and simply walked away toward the ship, which was ready for departure by now. Yet, not two steps away from the supposedly fallen warrior he felt a VERY painful side kick. Before he would turn around, Vega felt a back elbow in his lower spine, and he let out a shriek of pain that dissoriented Adon. Guided by instinct, Vega made a 180 degree spin to the left and rose his leg in order to kick Adon away. Adon was able to block the attack but it still managed to drive him back a few steps, which was all Vega needed.
With lighting speed, Vega made an unbelievably high backward jump, rising about ten feet up in the air, and landing right were he intended to; the right wing of the air ship, which was about 15 feet from Adon. Then, with the same ease, he launched himself back in the air, exept this time he was going directly toward Adon. His trajectory was so horizontal that he appeared to be flying. Adon had little time to think of a counterattack, and he chose the Tiger Tooth, making a high jump with his right leg raised up, with an ar-like downward trajectory, and hoped to hit the oncoming Vega. However, he greatly underestimated Vega’s speed and felt Vega’s weapon go deep into his right shoulder before his attack would hit. In an unbelievable show of elasticity and speed, Vega’s entire body made a flip and in an instant, his legs were locked on the still airborne Adon. Before landing, Vega managed to drive Adon’s head into the ground, and unlike last time, he followed his attack with a bolley of punches and claw stikes to Adon’s midsection.
As Vega readied himself to land the last blow to Adon’s heart, Adon was still very much conscious and was able to push Vega off of him. A bloody mess, the Muay Thai warrior rose once again, which took the breath out of Vega, who thought he should be dead by now. As fate would have it though, this match would not be finished this night. Balrog came to the gates of the jet "Vega! We gotta bounce! The pigs are here!"
Vega could barely make out what the American boxer was saying, but he knew he had seconds left to finish off his opponent. Unfortunately for him, Adon had taken advantage of the distraction and once again attempted to punch Vega in the face with a sharp left hook. Vega managed to somehow block the attack with both hands, but the punch was so strong that his guard gave in. The strenght of the punch was so great that it managed to knock off both Vega’s claw (as he broke his guard) and his mask. Vega fell to the ground about tree feet away from Adon.
At this time, Balrog ran out of the ship, picked Vega off the floor with one hand, and forced him to run back to the ship. Adon was ready to follow them but the loud sirens of police cuisers were rapidly approaching them, and he then understood why the Shadaloo warriors were running away, and so he let them go.
By the time the INTERPOL agents (led by officer Li) reached Adon, the Shadaloo jet had been gone for a full thirty seconds, during which time Adon had picked up his golden halo and in a rage, had stepped on both Vega’s mask and claw, bending them beyond repair. Officer Li stepped out of his behicle and asked Adon if he had any clue were the Shadaloo team was going, to which Adon replied. “I dont know, but if you hope to capture any of those four fuckers alive, you better get to them before me!”

end of chapter 1

has anyone read this?

Feedback anyone?

Also, where else can i post this to get some opinions?

I like it a lot man. Its very detailed. If I was you I’d try to work on your format a bit and clean up your spelling a bit. Try a line space before and after each dialogue. But I liked it overall.

It was a very good read. Please write more!