Sean, Shotopimps brand new assistant director of operations, found his bigger office and plush desk accommodating. He was decked out in a brand new yellow suit, and finally got himself a feathered cap. But, he looked visibly irate despite these luxuries, and pounded on his Ikea desk like a tobacco-deprived smoking addict. He would get to blow off some of his steam when Dan Hibiki and Skullomania appeared in front of him.
Dan: You wanted to see us, boss?
Skullo looked around the office, and was impressed by how large it was. It even had its own mini-refrigerator, and an HDTV flat screen on the wall to his right. Skullo smiled through his mask, and gave Sean a hearty thumbs up.
Sean: Hell YES. LOOK at these expenses!
Sean threw a wad of receipts he received as a result of Dans misuse of funds.
Sean: Explain to me just how the hell you bought your own planetarium?!
Dan: Uh…well…you see…its for pimping.
-Silence.-
Sean: … I would better damn hope it is!!!
Dan: Nah, really. Its some cool shit. I can hypnotize bitches with it. Sides, youve seen how my production has increased to over 200% since last month!
Sean: But 200% of your measly pimping isnt nearly enough to make up for your planetarium!
Dan: Well, if you add in some of the revenue my man Skullos been making…aint that right my man…
Sean: Skullo? And what exactly has Skullo been making? The papers dont show any increase at all!
Dan: You kidding? This boys got like, 1000% profits and shi-
Skullo placed his hand on Dans mouth, and waved his finger beside his head in that hes crazy type of fashion. But it was too late, and Sean already got a full picture of what was going on.
Sean: And I thought it was fishy that Skullo got himself a platinum cape. Hows about I cut you a little deal then, guys. Skullomania pays back the cash hes been withholding from Shotopimps, and that in turn covers Dans recent purchase. I forget this conversation ever happened; no harm, no foul.
Skullo sighed, and reluctantly shaked hands with Sean and Dan to the agreement.
Dan: You my boys! You SO my fuckin boys!
Sean: Now, shut the fuck up and get the millions of depraved perverts out there the finest quality pussy Shotopimps can offer.
With one wave of his hand, Sean initiated the trap door under Dan & Skullo, sending them through a chute. Meanwhile, Sean heard a knock on his door. His secretary Cammy jumped over the trap door, and landed onto his desk.
Cammy: I received the Street Fighter #1 Chun-Li powerfoil you requested, sir.
Sean: Good shit girl! This piece is HOT!
Cammy: You wont believe the number of people I had to kill on the street just to get this comic.
Sean: I know.
Sean rolled up the comic and shoved as much tobacco as he could into it. He lit one end of the rolled power foil and began to puff it up. Cammys face fell.
Cammy: Didnt I just tell you I had to kill on the street to get you that damn comic?!
Sean: I know. But I gotta smoke in style.
Sean turned his revolving chair to the majestic view of the city he received when he installed the new windows. This was not the Detroit of Shotopimps last year; now that the company was expanding, this branch had relocated to the city so nice they named it twice: New York, New York.
Skullo wasnt sure whether or not this constituted what was on the job description or not. He wasnt sure where and how Dan got himself the Pimpbus they were currently riding on, either. But his worries were quelled somewhat by the presence of the beautiful women surrounding him. Sitting next to him was Psylocke, Magnetos ex. She had a robust pair of lips. The pair of girls sitting behind him and giving him a much appreciated massage on his shoulders were none other than R. Mika, Zangiefs one-time boo, and Maki, the Bushin sister in law of Guy, the Nike ninja. Skullo would, for this time, leave the questions for later and enjoy the ride.
Dan was mounted on the bus drivers seat, his ass firmly planted on a soft foam donut. A soft voice was emitting quiet moans underneath the steering wheel.
Dan: Hey, girl…um, whyd you stop?
The girl in question was half of the life force of legendary ho Morrigan Aensland herself, Lilith.
Lilith: Um…you made my tongue cum.
Dan: Whoa. Tongues can do that?
Lilith: I dont think so. begins crying Did I do anything wrong?
Dan: Only thing you did wrong was stop sucking. And have you been taking those boob pills?
Lilith: To be honest, they kinda taste like…dog food.
Dan: Listen girl, if you dont take them pills, you aint gonna get promoted from sucking! If it werent for those cute eyes, youd be on permanent jerk patrol!
Lilith: Not so loud, please…the other girls can hear you!
Ah, but they have heard. Everything. Felicia, the anthropomorphic cat, was in bursting in tears, while Jill Valentine tried not to chuckle too loud. The Pimpbus was immersed in a wave of high pitched laughing.
Dan: Ah, geez girl. You need some pride. Get some balls or some shit.
Skullo chimed in at that moment, and faced Dan.
Dan: So you wanna know where were going, right? Remember that planetarium we bought?
Skullo: >_<
Dan: Um, I mean, you bought without you knowing? Were going there for my seminar.
Dan and Skullos women were put into seats inside the darkened planetarium. All was blackness, and the girls talked among themselves, wondering what was going on. Then, they heard the voice of their pimpmasta, in surround sound.
Dan: Look above yourselves. What you see is the universe; the cosmic awareness that is too profound for any ordinary human to ever grasp.
The roof of the planetarium transformed into a stunning recreation of the outside universe, and a warm light glowed from the holographic stars.
Dan: You ordinary mortals came to us because you were weak, and among the ordinary. But under our tutelage, you will become better than all who have wronged you and left you destitute! All that you desire in the universe will be yours as you ask for them! And they will be passed onto you, from our hands.
The girls were mesmerized by the booming voice of their pimpmasta, and the cosmic lightshow they were treated to. Oohs, and aahs, could be heard all around.
Dan: Obey us, and become goddesses among men! Learn the ways, of SAIKYO!!! … Er, hoing, my bad.
Hos: (in unison) WOO! DAN AND SKULLO, DAN AND SKULLO, DAN AND SKULLO!!!
Later that night, when the girls prowled the streets of the Brooklyn ghettos, Dan had a heart to heart with a troublesome ho of his, in the Pimpbus.
Dan: So…what youre telling me is…he kicked you out because you couldnt 69?!
Lilith: My mouth kind of…came again.
Dan: What the hell?! Skullo, tell me thats not possible!
Skullo: shrug
Dan: …who was the client?
Lilith: I think it was…Mr. Strider.
Dan: Aw, shit…which Strider? Hiryu?! Was Doom with him?!
Lilith: Who?
Dan: Doom, DOOM! Big metal guy in the green cloak!
Lilith: …I think he was. Maybe… Im not so sure.
Dan: Aw…aw, fuck me. Fuck me, you pissed off Strider/Doom! We gotta do something quick.
Lilith: Like, what?
Dan: You no longer represent the quality hos of Dan and Skullo and Shotopimps. It was nice working with you.
Lilith: Wait, but, dont I get a 2 weeks notice?!
Dan slapped her out of the Pimpbus, twice.
Dan: Theres your two weeks notice! Scram!
Dejected, the succubus ran away, her face streaming in tears. Skullo tapped on Dans shoulder, and looked at him gravely.
Dan: What, youre saying that one day Im gonna regret that? Youre just paranoid.
Later that night, when Dan and Skullo personally opened their love hotel at a red light district in Newark, New Jersey. Theyd been traveling back and forth between New Jersey and New York for some time; it makes for some great variety of locales. Dan found the Pimpbus very useful for this purpose.
Dan: So, who should we have showcased outside tonight?
Skullo pointed at R. Mika and Psylocke.
Dan: Good choices. You two get set up in the window, and Lilith-…damn, I wish that girl was here. Then wed have someone to scrub these dusty ass floors. Hey, MARROW!
The mutant woman with the bones in her back beckoned at her masters call.
Marrow: Yes sir?
Dan: Youve been promoted from masked gimp to custodian. Grow out your hair and maybe you can be a private dick sucker.
Marrow: Thank you, sir.
An hour would pass before a very special appointment would be arriving through the doors; Wolverine and Bonerine, or, the Zaza Twins as theyre known as. The Canadian midgets snarled, foaming at the mouth even; they wanted the lay the rod tonight. Dan, much like a waiter, handed the Zaza Twins their menus, filled with pictures and suggestions.
Bonerine: Heh heh, I like boobs.
Wolverine: You faggot, we want ass! ASS!
Bonerine: Ass? Youre a fartknocker. Boobs!
Wolverine: Ass!
Dan: Now now gentlemen, we have all the time in the world to argue about this.
Zaza Twins: …
Dan: …we can wait.
Nearly a half hour would pass until the Zaza Twins would make a compromise.
Bonerine: Fine…a girl with a big CHEST and a big ass.
Dan: I think we have one of those. Skullo! We got one of those?!
Skullo appeared from a room in the back. He nodded. Dan was about to lead the boys to their possible selection of women when the front door was flung open, and a large beast who barely fit inside the building dashed through. Dan and Skullo cringed, and the Zaza Twins were devoured by the goliath. His name…was Onslaught.
Onslaught: Sup bitches?
Dan: Oh…oh my shit…Onslaught, hey, howre you doing?
Onslaught: That bitch Abyss one-sided me like a few years ago, and I got locked up by DEA. But Im fully recovered and have paid my debt to society… just playing. But Im back in the game. I heard you fellas blew up big last year…
Dan: Word travels fast, huh?
Onslaught: Too fast. But tonight I want some … FLESH.
Dan: Holy shit, youre gonna eat somebody?!
Onslaught: No, I want a ho.
Dan: …oh, sure, sure. Uh, right this way, G.
Onslaught: IM INSULTED!
Dan and Skullo werent sure why Onslaught had his large spiked fists pointed directly at them. The pimps didnt know what was wrong; their finest women were on display tonight. The girls were scared out of their wits, and were shrieking throughout the ordeal.
Onslaught: All of these hos…are too BIG! You gotta have at least ONE girl whos as flat as a board!
Dan: WHAT?!
Onslaught: A girl who looks like a middle school cheerleader! A girl scout! And you know how I have that GOTHIC fetish.
Skullo: >_<
The pimps both realized…that this was the TRUE definition of irony.
