I really need professional help. I’m tired of smiling and pretending to be happy. I’m tired of acting like shit is okay, when in reality I just want to put a bullet in my fucking skull and get it over with.
Not a single day passes by without me wanting to seriously harm myself. I just don’t feel good and the same shit happens every summer. I just get really fucking depressed to the point I don’t want to live anymore. I never really talk about it because let’s be honest: People have their own bullshit to worry about. No one cares. Bottom line, point blank period. The nurses, doctors and psychiatrists? They don’t give a fuck about you neither. They’re getting paid to do a JOB it’s just that their job is to pretend to give a fuck whether you live or die.
I beat myself up a lot because I find it impossible to actually love myself.
A lot of people say I’m a good person with a good heart, but deep down all I think they’re saying to me is: “You’re a sucker and we enjoy taking advantage of your kindess”. I seriously feel like I’ve reached the end of my rope. I really enjoy Street Fighter, it’s the only thing that keeps me sane. But I’ve recently hit a wall and it feels like I will never improve. I feel like I’ve just been exposed as the biggest fraud ever and my life is meaningless. There is literally one thing left that I enjoy and it’s a fucking crapshoot. Being shred to pieces with your own character is extremely demoralizing for me. I have huge emotional issues. Call me what you want, I don’t care. I’ve had enough of this bullshit called life.
It seems everything is just getting worse. I might as well end it. If word ever gets out that I’m deceased it will most likely be self-inflicted. Nobody wants me dead more than me. I suck at Street Fighter, I’m ugly as fuck, The only thing I’m good at academically is math, I’m poor, my right eye is missing, I have no value whatsoever. @worthless needs to let me have his fucking name. I’ve had enough.
Shout out to @Vhozon that’s my nigga. Shout out to @“DevilJin 01” that’s my nigga. Shout out to @twinblades that’s my nigga. Shout out to @million because bitches ain’t shit.
I’m about to be 25 years old and haven’t accomplished shit. That’s no one’s fault but my own. It honestly feels like it’s too late for me. I am more than likely better off dead. The world is cruel and I’m ready to say goodbye. I fucking hate this shit and I really just don’t have what it fucking takes to survive. It’s awful I can’t even control my emotions. I’m crying uncontrollably because I have no one to turn to. No one understands me or what it’s like to deal with a conflict with yourself that refuses to cease. You can’t even enjoy your life because you spend every day at war with yourself and the decisions you made in the past.
Then when you go outside you have to act like all that shit doesn’t even exist. You have to remain, cool, calm and calculated or else shit will hit the fan because keeping it real went wrong. I don’t hate anybody or anything. I just hate myself and wish someone would fucking kill me so I could at least TRY to bargain my way into heaven.
Life is so fucking awful. I genuinely feel like I don’t have a reason to live. I’m so done with this shit. I wish I could start over again…because things are bad, worse than bad. I’ve been on a downward spiral since 2014 and it just gets worse. I just want it to end.
Fuck
My
Life
I have one dollar left. I’m gonna throw it at a stripper.