You silly kids. Bauer doesn’t need to eat, because he feeds off kicking terrorist ass. Every terrorist he kills is like a prime rib dinner, with garlic mashed potatoes and a frosty brew to wash it down.
Anyway, BAUER POWER HOUR!
Stupid shit first. CITIZEN KANE is forced to admit to PRESIDENT SKIRT that thanks to his decision, EVIL SCREECH is dead, apparently at the hands of THE BAUER. FIRST BITCH gives him ICY GLARE OF THE SANDY VAGINA. Later, some press weasel tries to muscle up on CITIZEN KANE with his knowledge of the day’s events! CITIZEN KANE realizes that FIRST BITCH is behind it, but after confronting her she simply denies everything and ASHURA WARPS OUT. KANE brings the matter to SKIRT, but FIRST BITCH had her bases covering proving the leak didn’t come from the White House! KANE is forced to back down looking foolish…but we all know what’s up. FIRST BITCH is on some SERIOUS SHIN SHERRY SHIT (try saying that 5 times fast!). She’s jockeying to become the NEW DIRTIEST PLAYER IN THE GAME.
Meanwhile, back at BAYSIDE TECH, EVIL SLATER gets a call from MEDICINE MAN QUINN letting him know that EVIL SCREECH is dead but THE BAUER has survived! EVIL SLATER starts to get a little pussy-footed, so EVIL PRINCIPAL BELDING beats him over the head with a little “we’re right motherfucker!” PEP TALK.
At the FBI, MAN-CHLOE is pressuring DARIA-CHLOE over the fate of TRUE CHLOE. DARIA-CHLOE reveals that she’s in THE LOCK UP (note how MAN-CHLOE wasn’t even that surprised…doesn’t CHLOE get locked up at least once a season now?) and has him cool his heels in the conference room.
THE BAUER escapes from THE FEDS and thanks to some 24 DEUS EX MACHINA, happens to find a car with someone’s nice new Macbook just conveniently left inside! HOW CONVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEENT. [/Church Lady] He extends his PSYCHO PIMP FIELD and once again enlists SCARLETT to do his bidding to look up MEDICINE MAN QUINN. SCARLETT finds out that he worked for BAYSIDE TECH, and that RED FOREMAN had been investigating them. SCARLETT sends BAUER RED FOREMAN’S info. Just then, BUTTHURT comes and makes all friendly with THE SCARLETT, but afterwards realizes that she’s been in contact with THE BAUER! I don’t think BUTTHURT is plugged into the PSYCHO FORCE anymore, so either the BUTTHURT FORCE is really good at catching people in lies, or he could tell from the smell of SCARLETT’S WET PANTIES that she’d been in recent contact with THE PSYCHO ONE.
DARIA-CHLOE tries to unlock SCARLETT’S LOVE MAIL, but is unable to do so. Knowing that CHLOE would eat glass for THE PASSION OF THE PSYCHO, BUTTHURT and DARIA-CHLOE decide to tap MAN-CHLOE for the job. MAN-CHLOE initially resists, but BUTTHURT threatens to send his wifey UP DIS REEVER, and after looking at DARIA-CHLOE’S FLACCID CYBER PENIS, he decides to BITCH OUT (again!) and locate BAUER!
…You guys think CHLOE and MAN-CHLOE’s pillow talk is all about decrypting algorithms? I do.
Predictably, CHLOE is angered, telling MAN-CHLOE that she would gladly EAT GLASS if it were for THE PSYCHO ONE. MAN-CHLOE realizes he will probably spend tonight cracking passwords for THE BANG BUS on the couch!
THE BAUER goes to see RED FOREMAN, and tries to find the link between BAYSIDE TECH and THE CANDYMAN. Meanwhile, RED FOREMAN tries to play a little DR. PHIL on THE PSYCHO ONE. BAUER discovers that BAYSIDE TECH is going all RESIDENT EVIL with the biological weapons! Just then, the PO PO arrive, and RED FOREMAN starts playing a little GOOD FATHER, offering to help and protect BAUER. BAUER starts to feel a little ERIC FOREMAN-ISH and agrees to do it RED’s way…but the PO PO end up being MEDICINE MAN QUINN, who kills RED FOREMAN and chases after BAUER!
…BUTTHURT may have said it out of BUTTHURTEDNESS, but he did have a point - the life expectancy for TEAM PSYCHO members is incredibly short. RED’s whole 5 minutes sure isn’t going to help the median here.
MM QUINN chases BAUER to a construction site, following BAUER into a trailer, and then shooting it up. And that would have been an awfully genious plan…HAD BAUER NOT JACKED A FUCKING BULLDOZER. BAUER goes DEVASTATOR on the trailer, then jumps into B-GROOVE for a little fisticuffs with MM QUINN. MM QUINN does pretty well despite getting nailed by several PSYCHO FLYING SLAMS, but is eventually peaced out by Knife Attack juggled into ULTRA! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THEEEEEE ULTIMATE PSYCHO! BAUER WINS!
BAUER determines where the UMBRELLA WEAPONS are going to arrive, and puts out the call to DARTH ALMEIDA to reform OG TEAM PSYCHO and stop the REVERSE RESIDENT EVIL 5 from going down! Meanwhile, BUTTHURT arrives at the senator’s house to find him shot up, and immediately assumes that it was BAUER who did it! Things are gonna get a lot worse before they get better!
…You know though, out of all the wild and crazy terrorist plots we’ve seen over the years, I think the most unbelieveable part of the show is how people just don’t believe in BAUER. I mean, the very least they could do is read his file. “Oh look, we chased him for doing all these terrible things, but it turns out he was the only one who was right and he saved America. And hey, this happened 6 times before. But nah, we’re SURE of it this time, now he’s really gone bad!” I mean, honestly. If I were SKIRT, I’d just tell BAUER “do your thing, man” and go take a PRESIDENTAL NAP. Of course, we’d have to rename the series from “24” to like “5” or so…BUT WHAT A GLORIOUS 5 HOURS IT WOULD BE.
Anyway, will BAUER and DARTH ALMEIDA be able to save the very country that wants to imprison them? Will FIRST BITCH ever get all that sand outta her vagina? Which porn will MAN-CHLOE turn to to soothe his battered conscious? We’ll find out next week!
