No, I can only live in the shadow of the majesty that was the original voodazz recaps. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed as hard in my life. The S2 thread was just…that was special. :sad:
But anyway, on that note, this week on the BAUER POWER HOUR…
PIMP DUBAKU is about to turn some small little Ohio town into RACOON CITY. “DON’T CALL ME HONEY” DARIA-CHLOE uses her H4X to find and warn SPOCK at the chemical plant that things are about to get hairy! With no time to even get his workers out of the building, SPOCK drops down into the WARP CORE to manually buy everyone some time!
Meanwhile, CTU PRIME locates DUBAKU’S PIMP PAD and prepares to infiltrate. BAUER senses SCARLETT’s potential, so despite the whole SHOT IN THE NECK, DEAD thing (which, as we all know, aint shit in the 24 world…), he re-activates her PSYCHO SYMBIOTE and SCARLETT flips back into CARNAGE. CTU PRIME activates TEAM PSYCHO: 4 MAN CELL with OTAKON CHLOE on backup!
PIMP DUBAKU taunts MUTOBO, telling him that he’s going to STRIDER-DOOM CHIP DAMAGE poor STORM to death unless MUTOBO calls his assist! MUTOBO knows his assist will then get AHVB RAPED, but he can’t affort to lose poor STORM. STORM, however, believes in the POWER OF THE BAUER, despite only having met the man for like 7 minutes.
STORM: I hate to tell you this honey, but I think this is the first time a white man’s ever made me get moist.
MUTOBO: …I should be angry about that, but honestly, that white man scares me, so I understand completely.
PIMP DUBAKU sees CTU PRIME inflitrating, and as STUPID WHITE GUY attempts to make the mistake that many other 24 villains make (“its only a handful of guys! We can take them!”) PIMP DUBAKU FLIPS OUT and prepares to get the hell out of dodge! Well, I guess its official now…BAUER > UNBRIDLED NEGRO STRENGTH.
As DUBAKU is preparing to head for the hills, DARTH TONY and SUB-ZERO BUCKY make a DYNAMIC ENTRY, while BAUER AND CARNAGE MAKE IT RAIN from above! When the dust settles, only CTU PRIME is left standing completely unharmed! …As usual. However, PIMP DUBAKU has managed to give them the slip, and using poor DR ROBOTNIK as bait, he uses SCRAMBLED EGG EXPLOSIVE TACTIC to scatter our heroes and make a MARWAN ESCAPE!
In another part of the story, FIRST PENIS manages to erect himself, but is again rendered completely and utterly flaccid by EVIL ERRAND BOY’S partner, BAD HAIR DAY. BAD HAIR DAY contacts PIMP DUBAKU, who orders FIRST PENIS be brought to him! PIMP DUBAKU has now secured a fairly powerful hostage! …But hold on, PIMP DUBAKU was in on this too?! Damn! Just what else is this dude controlling?
DUBAKU’S phone rings
Dubaku: Sup?
Henchman 1: Dubaku sir, I’m just reporting in from Wall Street. The collapse of the American economy is proceeding nicely.
Dubaku: Continue as planned.
DUBAKU’S phone rings
Dubaku: Sup?
Henchman 2: Sir Dubaku, just wanted to let you know that we’ve got Lindsay Lohan hooked on crack and made her a lesbian.
Dubaku: Excellent. Keep me informed.
DUBAKU’S phone rings
Dubaku: Sup?
Henchman 3: General Dubaku? Just checking in - the alternate costumes in SF4 will be paid DLC. We’ve succeeded on our end.
Dubaku: Allright, but stay sharp until the final phase of the plan.
Henchman 3: Will do sir. And, I just wanted to say, that whole Red Ring of Death thing - pure brillance.
With PIMP DUBAKU having to make a run for it, GOD H4X is cancelled and sleepy little Ohio town is saved! However, SPOCK paid the ultimate price, and for his heroism, DARIA-CHLOE will play a little Madison Avenue “Don’t Call Me Baby (Honey)” in his honor. PIMP DUBAKU himself manages to escape his PIMP PAD, take the ORDINARY TRAIN to ORDINARY APARTMENT, where ORDINARY GIRLFRIEND* offers to make him some ORDINARY LASAGNA later!
*I would bang the holy shit outta “ORDINARY” GIRLFRIEND. Yes I would.
With PIMP DUBAKU’s escape, CTU PRIME finds themselves a bit overwhelmed! BAUER recommends that CTU PRIME approach PRESIDENT SKIRT for help. SUB-ZERO BUCKY and DARTH TONY are reluctant, but SCARLETT and STORM, firmly in the grip of the BAUER EFFECT, are forced to support him, and MUTOBO has to follow along if he ever wants a shot at his wife’s panties again! SUB-ZERO BUCKY and DARTH TONY relent, and CTU PRIME prepares to meet up with PRESIDENT SKIRT. However, DARTH TONY backs out, citing that he’d be arrested on sight. BAUER agrees on the condition that DARTH TONY turn himself in afterwards…but I don’t know, I felt a STRONG SATSUI NO HADOU presence from TONY at the top of that stairwell! Remember Rule of 24 #3 - There is always an evil white dude behind the villainy of the day! Could it be that DARTH TONY is working for a HIGHER POWER? …Is DARTH TONY that HIGHER POWER?! There is a STRONG disturbance in the PSYCHO FORCE!
Will PRESIDENT SKIRT accept CTU PRIME? Does BOSS MOSS have enough time to get a MEMORIAL FAP off to his SCARLETT SCREENSAVER? Will ANGSTY MILO ever stop being a douchebag? Does DARIA-CHLOE have enough tissues for all the fluids her body has been excreting?! Perhaps we’ll find out next week!
