FINALLY caught up on the return of the BAUER POWER HOUR! S6 was a letdown, but S7 is up to a great start so far! I can’t possibly cover 4 hours of PSYCHO BAUER ACTION in one post, so just the highlights…
Episode opens strong with BAUER ascending to yet another form, I DON’T GIVE A FUCK BAUER. IDGAF BAUER is laying a verbal BEASTING all over REDD FOREMAN when SCARLETT jumps in with a save! When BAUER entered the FBI, you could see BOSS MOSS questioning the fortitude of his own sack, and DARIA-CHLOE gets her panties wet and she doesn?t even know why.
SCARLETT explains that they need BAUER?s help in stopping a domestic terrorist?but not just any terrorist?none other than TONY ALMEIDA! Yes, not only is he not dead, now he?s EEEEEEEEEEBIL! BAUER, like the rest of us, doesn?t believe it at first, but in the face of convincing evidence he?s forced to investigate. BOSS MOSS doesn?t like the idea of working with BAUER, but SCARLETT tells him that true PSYCHO POWER can only be countered by more PSYCHO POWER, something neither she or BOSS MOSS possesses. Yet. BAUER flips back into PSYCHO MODE and off they go!
At BAUER about to go BICSHANK REDEPMTION on SCARFACE?s eyes! The pen is indeed mightier than the sword! While watching this, SCARLETT feels an unusual tingling in her loins and unprecedented moistness in her panties. Yes, the Kate Warner Effect? is now in play!
Meanwhile, DARTH TONY, having kidnapped DR. ROBOTNIK, manages to create GOD H4X. Say it aint so, Tony!
BAUER uses his finely-tuned PSYCHO SENSE to locate the SENTRY SNIPER, and SCARLETT in the full grip of the Kate Warner Effect? is forced to go along! They eventunally find DARTH TONY, and after a brief battle between PSYCHO BAUER and DARTH TONY (which destroyed two neighboring galaxies due to the waves of badassedry being let off!), DARTH TONY falls and is taken into custody!
SCARLETT, now ready to happily take as much BAUER SEED as her ovaries can hold, convinces BOSS MOSS to let PSYCHO BAUER interrogate DARTH TONY! After a classic TABLE FLIP MANEUVER, DARTH TONY spills a code. BAUER gives it a call…and its none other than BUCKY! BUCKY explains that DARTH TONY is undercover, and they need to get him back in play or else its GAME OVER AMERICA. BAUER knows that SCARLETT has been charmed by the PSYCHO POWER and would do anything he asks, but BUCKY tells BAUER to keep her out of it. So while SCARLETT is again asking for as much BAUER SEED as she can take, BAUER is forced to choke her out with the GENTLE FIST OF SLEEPINESS.
Little did he know, as he did this, a small part of his PSYCHO SYMBIOTE spawned off him and latched onto SCARLETT!
In an epic reunion not seen since S4, PSYCHO BAUER and DARTH TONY go GRAND THEFT TERRORIST on the FBI! Meanwhile, DARIA-CHLOE and CHLOE have an epic computer battle! DARIA-CHLOE casts firewall! CHLOE defends with ROUTER H4X! DARIA-CHLOE uses IP PING! CHLOE counters with GAME GENIE! Then both women strip off their clothes, throw hot oil over each other, and wrestle each other down to the ground! …Okay, that didn’t really happen, but you can bet good money some computer geeks were jizzing all over the screen at the battle of the cyber babes.
BUCKY takes PSYCHO BAUER back to THE LAIR, aka CTU PRIME. There we get another fateful reunion - BUCKY, DARTH TONY, THE CHLOE (still as awkward as ever - and still wetting her panties over the sight of BAUER), and BAUER! BUCKY explains that by the end of a season, all CTU red shirts are dead by bomb/poison gas/gunshots to the head, so this time around they kept it to the principal cast to save time and money. He also explains that there’s corruption so deep…so, so deep, even Barry White couldn’t hit the center of it with his love. PSYCHO BAUER hears DESTINY CALLING so he joins CTU PRIME to help bring down evil government corruption!
Meanwhile, we learn how DARTH TONY was literally KRATOS’ed OUT OF HELL. Tony did give in to the wiles of the DARK SIDE…but now he seeks redemption as AKAKIN CUERVOGOLDDRINKER. Also, BUCKY’s hair is now 100% white. But this is only to reflect how STONE COLD ICE he’s become since we’ve last seen him.
Back at the FBI, SCARLETT is beating herself up for letting BAUER get away without getting massive doses of BAUER SEED spread across her face first. She goes to the hospital to interrogate SENTRY SNIPER, and finds that the good 'ol legal way just isn’t working! That little bit of PSYCHO SYMBIOTE that BAUER left on her fires up, and SCARLETT is transformed into CARNAGE as she goes all Bauer on SENTRY SNIPER! A sexy version of The Psycho One? Say it aint so!
God I love this show.
